Should I give up on my marriage?

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One of the Crowd
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Re: Should I give up on my marriage?

Post by johnay » Mon Feb 22, 2016 7:14 pm

I think it's amazing your husband has stayed within this marriage if I am honest. You have ended intimacy in your marriage because he isn't as attractive to you and he tries to please everyone in all types of social situations. You admit to crying through intimacy in the last month's of it taking place. I could cry for your husband when I read that and can't help but feel how much of a blow all that must have been to his self esteem. He must have been devastated . He seems to have an appeasing personality and I've heard many women wanting a guy that isn't aggressive and good to get on with anyone. He stopped the sex when you said no as well.. He sounds like a good guy who seriously deserves to be happy and you aren't making him happy at all from what you are saying. Kids need to know that a good relationship is one where intimacy and sex are an important and healthy part of a good marriage.. All of you deserve so much better and I think you should seriously sort all of this out or move on. This pretend marriage is a sham and unhealthy emotionally for all of you.

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Permanent Fixture
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Re: Should I give up on my marriage?

Post by Tarantula » Mon Feb 22, 2016 8:16 pm

I agree that writing a letter is a good way to go. It gives you the chance to get it all out on paper without fear of interruption or having to deal with their immediate response whilst you're saying it.

You gotta take the stopper out and unblock whatever blocked up, repressed issues have been going on. Of course he isn't happy either - how could he be? But he also hasn't chosen to leave you, opting instead to stay in a miserable situation. I think deep down somewhere you're both the same people who made that commitment years ago.

What efforts have you made so far? Out of the hat here, have you:

- Communicated clearly and in a non-confrontational way
- Gone to couples counselling
- Read every book on making marriage last
- Got real with yourself as to why intimacy has become a seemingly traumatic issue for you - you didn't answer when I asked if that was triggering... is there something buried deep down that needs to come out, around this issue? I was abused in childhood and I can see how that could affect someone's ability to be intimate later in life, so I'm throwing it out there just in case. If it is something like that, then whatever you do, don't end the marriage as that is definitely not the problem, and you need to seek support for yourself first.
- Thought deeply about what HIS needs are, and tried to meet them, suspending for a moment your own needs, to see if he responds and reciprocates? Have you put him first?

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