Problems with wife

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Problems with wife

Post by brokensilver86 » Sat Nov 21, 2015 12:05 pm

Me and my wife have been together for four years and married for one. We earn a fair bit of money between us but recently ive been getting annoyed with her spending. It total, she has spent over 4500 pounds on shoes, bags and dresses. The thing is, i feel that now that we are married that she uses me as a tool to aid in getting these things.
She has always been very glam woman but I feel spending 500 pounds on shoes and bags at a time is really getting silly. Its true it is her money to spend and not coming from our joint account, but our profession isnt the most stable. Anyway, 2 days ago she spent at least another 500 pounds on another bag, i choose not to say anything. But it was like she almost wanted a rise out of me, pushing for my thoughts. I told her i wasnt happy, we have plans to do things round the house and our dream of a holiday home.
I woke up today to a phone call (she works abroad) to tell me she had cancelled my holiday to visit her for her birthday and wants a divorce, she said that every time i speak with her she feels sick and cant stand being around me.
This is all because i questioned her spending. I understand its her money, but then she wants so much more that we need to save and put money away for that and i feel she is letting me down. And as for the bags, dresses and shoes. Its not like she doesnt get them, i buy them for birthdays, christmas and surprises. I just feel she abuses it.
I moved to another part of the country with this woman and feel that all she does is take advantage of me because she knows i have no place close to go, i feel isolated and the only people close by to talk to are her parents, who for the first time, actually agree that maybe its getting excessive.

Any Advice greatly appricated

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Re: Problems with wife

Post by David020549 » Sat Nov 21, 2015 6:04 pm

Regretably it seems you have teamed up with a spendaholic, if she wants a divorce let her go but it will still probably cost you. No doubt there will be tales of the emotional abuse that you put her through and the efforts that she put into the marriage. You don't mention kids, she has well paid work and can support herself, even so may still make a substantial claim on your assets, maybe not half but enough to hurt a lot.

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Re: Problems with wife

Post by johnay » Sat Nov 21, 2015 6:43 pm

Disagreeing about money can be a very hard thing to deal with in a relationship. I think that you have every reason however to feel agrieved specially if you have made joint plans for the future. It doesnt matter though how much you both earn as a couple when it comes to making sure that you spend within both your means and that you at least save something if you are big earners and are in rather precarious jobs.
As for your wife's behaviour when you have questioned her spending, it seems completely over the top. From what you have said you have given up quite a bit to move and build a new life with this woman. She should acknowledge this and not try to manipulate you for her own selfish wants.. If she is saying she wants a divorce after only one year of marriage then you appear to maybe have a large problem. If she is serious then maybe now is the time to run....if you think she is bluffing then call her bluff back and go along with her divorce plans. . It strikes me that she may well be bluffing as you state that her parents have eventually acknowledged that her behaviour is out of order. She may well have shown off like this with her family in the past... I feel that if you just back down and go running after her begging for forgiveness then she has you exactly where she wants you... If you want to be under her thumb and manipulated when she doesnt get her own way then you are storing up huge problems for your future together.
If she is bluffing i would be tempted initially to ignore her for a while.. She will eventually contact you and if she is bluffing i would be tempted to say that you both need to agree on a number of ground rules for your marriage to work well and you need to state kindly and firmly that you are not prepared to accept this sort of behaviour. She is not a child and now needs to behave like a responsible adult.. If shes not prepared to be more self controlled then maybe you should agree with her that you need to part. Keep it all very polite and give her no reason at all to suggest that your behaviour is at fault here..

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Re: Problems with wife

Post by Tarantula » Mon Nov 23, 2015 5:38 pm

She sounds like a bit of a narcissist to me, putting her selfish spending ahead of your agreed plans for future investments, and then attacking you quite harshly for questioning her on it.

That is, if it really is as black and white as you say. It seems she has also managed to have you moving across the country for her and thus isolating yourself from your own support network.

Hmmm. I say, give her a big fat smile and an 'okay darling, let's get divorced!' and see how quickly her balls shrivel up. I mean, she won't be expecting that. She'll be expecting you to pander. Do not pander.

For her to be so flippant, well, there are obviously serious underlying issues and I would say a lack of respect for you is one of them. She's spending to overcompensate on something she's not getting.

'Be like water, my friend.' Try your best not to resist her ridiculous calls for divorce and just go along with it. Probably she will re-evaluate once she sees that you won't give in to her tantrum. Or, she means business about divorcing you in which case you're free to find someone who will treat you with more respect.

However, I imagine that you haven't presented us with a full picture of what's been going on.

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