Sexless Marriage Advise Please

[lonelywife1987]

Hi all,

This is my first post on here and im really hoping for some advise or help. I have been with my husband for 7 years and married for 2 and a half. We have never had a super frequent sex life, around once a week, but this has dramatically changed for the worse. Apologies for the essay but so you have all the information and can hopefully help me please do read all.

I met my husband when i was 9 years old (now 28), he was my brothers friend. We didnt see eachother for years and then when i was 21 we met again and both were attracted to eachother. After checking my brother was OK with his friend dating his sister (!) we started dating. When we first started dating, we both lived with our parents and therefore having sex was limited to when we had the house to ourselves, we still managed at least once a week, usually more. After we moved in together we both agreed that the sex would get more frequent which is what we said we both wanted. However somehow even having all the time/space in the world our sex life has massively reduced. My husband doesnt have a super stressful job, he is happy to just sit and watch tv at night and is relaxed by the time we go to bed, but he just never is in the mood for sex. It has even gotten to the point now that we barely even touch. I get a peck on the lips in the morning before he leaves for work, and one again when he gets home. Lastly i will get a peck on the lips when we go to sleep. Apart from these 3 kisses i get no cuddles, no handholding, and certainly nothing more leading to sex. We roughly have sex once every 4/5 months and this is always after i bring it up, never him. I also usually need to wear sexy underwear etc in order to not get yet another rejection, and as this is a necessity to get a yes from him it makes me feel like me alone isnt enough for him.

He says he still fancies me, i still make an effort and believe i still look nice as i have received attention from other men, but he never tries to touch me and therefore its just words from him. I feel unloved, lonely, rejected and very unhappy in my marriage. He is very aware of my feelings as i always try to keep communication lines open (cant fix what he doesnt know), and he always says he loves me etc and has been promising things will change for years, but nothing ever changes. We even went on a 2 week beach vacation to help us relax and have a kind of 2nd honeymoon (first honeymoon wasnt very romantic and we didnt have sex when we got married for over a week), but in that 2 weeks we didnt have any more intimacy than we do any other time. No more kissing/touching and zero sex.

I told him on that 2nd honeymoon that i was getting very unhappy with our marriage and so when we got back he agreed to try sex therapy, we went for a few sessions but the tasks we were given to try at home he was very half hearted with and clearly didnt want to try so we stopped going as it was very expensive for something not helping us.

I am at the end of my tether, sex isnt the only thing in a marriage but i feel like i have a housemate not a husband, i feel unwanted and have had enough of being unhappy. I have had some seriously unhappy times previously in my life and therefore dont want to go back down that route so things have to change.

Outside of our sex life my husband is a great guy, we get on very well and he is my best friend. All the effect from our sex life though has erroded away at how i feel and i no longer am 'in love' with him, i love him now as a friend which isnt what i want from a marriage. I am seriously considering divorce but wanted to see what outsiders might think or suggest before i go down that route.

Please help, i am willing to try anything to get back my sex life and my marriage.

Thank you.

[Tucco]

Hi there,
your post touched a cord with me as I was in a similar situation when I was married, my then wife was exactly how you describe your husband so your description of feeling unwanted etc really hit home.
In my situation the lack of sex meant that I eventually would start to nag, this would lead to resentment and then no sex, a vicious circle.
I did try everything else but nothing ever changed for years! My ex would never agree to therapy but hats off to you for trying.
Obviously in the end we divorced and I am now very happily remarried.
At 28 you have to decide if this is an issue you could live with for possible 60 plus years!
The best of luck.

[Mrconfused74]

Apart from lingerie what else have you tried? Massage, suggest watching a soft core porn film, maybe a weekend away?
Have you considered taking the initiative, maybe giving him oral unexpectedly, sometimes it's not what we say but what we do that can make the difference. I've been in exactly the same place, and eventually just stopped asking, instead suggested other things. One thing that may help us to write it down, rather than talking which might be pushing him away, write down your feelings and let him read it. Could it be a medical reason? Is he getting it elsewhere? Has his sex drive always been lower than yours?
If nothing changes then you need to consider your future. Can you live in a sexless marriage? I'm guessing not, it's a big part of a marriage like you saying you don't have intimacy then you may as well just be friends. Don't just give up though, if you love him then you owe it to yourself to try.

[lonelywife1987]

Thanks both for your replies. We actually did a weekend away a couple of weeks back which didn't help. I suggested giving oral but as usual he wasn't in the mood. I suggested last night about visiting the doctor in case it was medical but he just said I must think he was broken... he's always said porn does nothing for him so I haven't tried that. He also is not the type to go elsewhere so I guess unless it's medical it's just he has a near zero sex drive

[Mrconfused74]

In that case you probably need to be more aggressive, tell him you can't live in a sex less marriage, and if he doesn't at least go to get help then you have no option but to leave. You've already said you can't live that way so he needs to face the truth.

[Tarantula]

Could he be homosexual?

Just throwing it out there. I just started seeing a man who told me that his FATHER recently came out as being gay, after decades of marriage and two kids!

[snail]

if he doesn't at least go to get help then you have no option but to leave.

I don't know - that comment "You must think I'm broken" suggests to me he doesn't see any problem with how he is, and has a deep resistance to the idea of being different. The lack of genuine commitment to sex therapy also suggests that. I don't think there is any kind of help that he would be willing to get, or rather, I don't think there is any kind of change he would be genuinely willing to make in his long-term behaviour.

his FATHER recently came out as being gay, after decades of marriage and two kids!

On that note, do you want children? Most people do. If so, how will that ever happen?

[Mrconfused74]

if he doesn't at least go to get help then you have no option but to leave.

I don't know - that comment "You must think I'm broken" suggests to me he doesn't see any problem with how he is, and has a deep resistance to the idea of being different. The lack of genuine commitment to sex therapy also suggests that. I don't think there is any kind of help that he would be willing to get, or rather, I don't think there is any kind of change he would be genuinely willing to make in his long-term.

So in that case, if he's unwilling to do anything and doesn't think there is anything wrong, what would you suggest the OP does? If she wants children a it right to hope that she gets pregnant by him, on the occasions they do have sex? Or does she accept the marriage as it is and be unhappy, or does she give him an ultimatum?
It's not fair for anyone to be in a marriage without intimacy,you may aswell live with a friend.