Do I leave him tonight?

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miaow
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Do I leave him tonight?

Post by miaow » Tue Nov 20, 2012 10:27 am

I've made previous posts on here about the other half. Main problem is after 6 years together, and over 3 years living together I want to get married. He says he does but never actually proposes. We have just been on a romantic break and I said we could get engaged here and he said 'yeah hmmmm' and I said jovially you have to ask me but he didn't. We carried on with the weekend away and now I'm home I feel like asking for a break. We have a house together and dogs but I don't know if I'm jumping out of the firepan into the fire by either moving out for a few days/a week, or by saying I've had enough and that he is never going to propose so I have to get on with my life and stop wasting time with someone who doesn't want the same things as me.
i know no one can tell me if I am doing the right thing or not but has anyone been in a similar situation and regretted what they did? He is due home at 5pm so it's decision time for me.

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RagDoll
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Re: Do I leave him tonight?

Post by RagDoll » Tue Nov 20, 2012 1:36 pm

My first question is why do you need to make this decision today? You've been together for 6 years, so give yourself time to consider everything - don't make a rash decision, or do something just to try and provoke a reaction.

I know you said that he keeps saying he wants to get married, but never asks, but have you had a proper conversation with him about marriage? Marriage means different things to everyone - it could be that he doesn't think marriage is imporant and that he doesn't want to get married to anyone... or he could he unsure about marrying you (sorry). What you need to understand is his point of view on the whole subject - not just why he hasn't asked you yet.

I do understand your frustration having invested 6 years in the relationship and if it turns out he is dead against marriage and it's very important to you, you might have to go your separate ways, but I would suggest you sit down and talk about this properly and then decide what to do.
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miaow
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Re: Do I leave him tonight?

Post by miaow » Tue Nov 20, 2012 1:57 pm

I suppose it's just come to a head with me. We talked about marriage early on and said it's both what we want long term. With him it is always a case of why do today what you can put off until tomorrow. For past 2 years I've kept thinking by the end of this year ..... but it never happens. Birthdays, Christmas's, anniversaries all come and go. I think it's just dawned on me that he keeps saying he will propose but is never going to actually do it. The weekend away was perfect opportunity and when we spoke about it he kept quiet so he'd had perfect opportunity and didn't want to do it. Guess I've realised I'm tired of waiting and it's starting to get me down :(

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Re: Do I leave him tonight?

Post by mattmxl » Tue Nov 20, 2012 2:41 pm

Why don't YOU just ask HIM to marry YOU?! I believe that's allowed! If he says yes, problem solved. If he says no, problem equally solved!

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Re: Do I leave him tonight?

Post by ILoveChristmas » Wed Nov 21, 2012 1:17 pm

mattmxl wrote:Why don't YOU just ask HIM to marry YOU?!
Being a man I can only guess, but I'd say a lot of women look forward to the prospect of the love of their life getting down on one knee and proposing. Doing it the other way round ruins that dream doesn't it, and in any case it would be very hard to get away from the thought that he only said yes because of the pressure of the moment.


Miaow, I think you need to sit him down with no distractions and make it perfectly clear to him what you expect and that it is having a very serious impact on your view of the relationship. I don't think you need to tell him that you've thought about leaving at the moment though, that might complicate the issue and raise other questions that detract from the true issue.

If he tells you that he is serious about wanting to get engaged a commit to you then I think you need to press him for a time-frame in which it's going to happen. It would be nice to retain an element of surprise to the whole thing so I wouldn't nail him down to a date and time, but you do need to know that it's going to happen in, say, the next 6 months or so.

It would be good to understand what his true reasons are for not proposing sooner. I'm not sure I believe that it's because he just puts it off because he can, I think he's probably nervous about it, but why? We can only guess, but you could probably find out if you were gentle enough about it.

One thing though, I'd suggest being fairly gentle in your approach. I'm sure with all the frustration that's building up inside you it would be easy to get a little heated, but I think that would do more hard than good.
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Re: Do I leave him tonight?

Post by rufio89 » Wed Nov 21, 2012 5:18 pm

Did you talk to him Miaow?

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Re: Do I leave him tonight?

Post by mattmxl » Thu Nov 22, 2012 9:03 am

ILoveChristmas wrote:
mattmxl wrote:Why don't YOU just ask HIM to marry YOU?!
Being a man I can only guess, but I'd say a lot of women look forward to the prospect of the love of their life getting down on one knee and proposing. Doing it the other way round ruins that dream doesn't it, and in any case it would be very hard to get away from the thought that he only said yes because of the pressure of the moment.
Well it really sounds like she's living the dream at the moment doesn't it?! From the way I see it, she doesn't have anything to lose. And you're telling me women don't say yes in the pressure of the moment and then get cold feet? I mean we're different, men and women, but we're not THAT different.

She'll be closer to finding out if her dream is to become a reality if she asks herself. Sounds like he isn't going to do it for her!

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Re: Do I leave him tonight?

Post by Tarantula » Thu Nov 22, 2012 4:02 pm

Is it bad that I agree with mattmxl on this one? :P

Well, sort of.

Having not read/remembered previous posts miaow, I don't understand why you'd be willing to throw away a 6 year relationship because he won't sign it in blood.

Then again I think marraige is a bit of a money-making sham. There's nothing you can get out of a marraige that you can't get out of a longterm relationship. Bells and whistles. It's just an identity label I think.

Having said that, I'll probably conform to it in the end. Because it'll probably matter to the other person.

I think you should just ask him where he stands on getting married. You deserve to know. And it ain't exactly three dates in.

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Re: Do I leave him tonight?

Post by mattmxl » Thu Nov 22, 2012 11:25 pm

Broken_Chord wrote:Is it bad that I agree with mattmxl on this one? :P
Nah, not at all! It's because you know I'm right, there's nothing bad about that!

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Re: Do I leave him tonight?

Post by highlandcow » Fri Nov 23, 2012 7:40 am

For what it's worth I agree with you too Mattmxl.

I don't think you should leave him if he doesn't propose. Surely the important thing is to have a healthy loving relationship....does it REALLY matter if you're married or not? Most people would love a committed relationship like that.
If you were to leave him, what's the gaurentee that you'll find someone that you clearly love and respect enough to stay with for another 6 years?

Push him on it, and you could risk ruining it. By all means talk to him, find out where you stand, but go easy.
You don't want to push him away.
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Re: Do I leave him tonight?

Post by Tarantula » Fri Nov 23, 2012 2:33 pm

mattmxl wrote:
Broken_Chord wrote:Is it bad that I agree with mattmxl on this one? :P
Nah, not at all! It's because you know I'm right, there's nothing bad about that!
Yes, yes you are right. Alert the media. Tee-hee. :P

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