Should I rock the boat?

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beesknees123
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Should I rock the boat?

Post by beesknees123 » Thu Oct 11, 2012 7:22 pm

Hi,

I just need a bit of advice. I've been with my current boyfriend for around 2 and a half years. At the start if was more of a fling cuz I was had just broken up with my husband. After about 6 months we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend.

His background was complicated he was engaged to someone and she called it off a good few months before we met (hence the reason we took it slow, we were both damaged goods)

Now at the start of our relationship his ex fiance would text him on and off, which made me uncomfortable. He would tell me how much he hated her, but turns out the were texting alot. he told me it was just sorting out all their bills, house etc from when they were together. When we became exlusive I asked if he would be able to cease contact, which he did and since then we have been gloriously happy.

HOWEVER recently hes been very busy at work and I haven't felt that closeness with him, which led to me being a little insecure. Basically he left his ipad lying around and I couldn't resist, so I looked.

I saw emails to his ex that dated about a year & a half ago, not emails organising house stuff It was emails telling him what was going on with him, asking about her and saying he was looking forward to seeing her when she gets back (she moved back to usa for a bit) not necessarily lovey dovey emails. The main theme to these emails was hope, hope that he still had a chance with her even though it's not written, its just emails from a lovesick guy trying to be friends with a woman that practically left him at the altar.

Now I have mixed feelings, I know there have been no emails since then (texts etc I don't know about) but part of me thinks that he was lying to me at the start of our relationship, he was with me but obviously trying to keep things sweet with her in the hope they might rekindle something when she came home?

The other part of me thinks just leave it, if you bring it up now it'll just be a whole big mess and he obviously isn't in contact with her now!

Lately he is being very precious with his phone (well i think he is) never really leaving it lying around, I don't know if its me reading to much into these emails and thinking now things are happening when they are not?

Should I just leave it and move on or should I mention it to him?

Any advice would be grateful!

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highlandcow
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Re: Should I rock the boat?

Post by highlandcow » Thu Oct 11, 2012 9:11 pm

That's a difficult one. On the one hand you want answers but on the other, he's not going to thank you for looking at his iPad. [-X
beesknees123 wrote:The main theme to these emails was hope, hope that he still had a chance with her even though it's not written, its just emails from a lovesick guy trying to be friends with a woman that practically left him at the altar.
It's difficult really because it sounds like he hasn't said anything "incriminating" but you might just be reading things into it. How do you think he'd react if you asked him straight out if he's been in contact with her?
beesknees123 wrote:HOWEVER recently hes been very busy at work and I haven't felt that closeness with him, which led to me being a little insecure.
This strikes me as the main problem really. OK, so he's busy at work, but what about a date night in the week or doing something different at the weekends to get the closeness back?
Go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say:
'It's good to be alive!'"

- Billy Connolly

beesknees123
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Re: Should I rock the boat?

Post by beesknees123 » Fri Oct 12, 2012 1:21 pm

Well he's a chef and works pretty much from 9am -10pm everyday but Sunday. Getting time together is difficult but usually I don't mind when we're together it feels like I'm the only person in the world he wants to spend any time with.

Lately it feels as if he isn't fussed, he hasn't said or done anything. It's not something I can put my finger on. Part of me think I need 5mins alone with his phone to make sure NOTHING is happening! But then that's not healthy either!

If I mentioned it to him I'm pretty sure he was be angry, I have had moments of insecurity throughout our relationship and keep comparing myself to her. He was madly head over heels in love with her when she called it off and I keep think she's the one that has gotten away and he has "settled" for me.

If I brought her up again I'm sure he'll be raging but my intuition is telling me something isn't quite right. Do I put it down to my own insecurities and just get over it or should I subtly bring it up and risk him going mad and maybe breaking his trust in me for snooping?!?

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Re: Should I rock the boat?

Post by RagDoll » Fri Oct 12, 2012 1:44 pm

This is such a tough one. In a way I think the messages he was sending her were incriminating - not that he said anything that was out and out wrong, but he obviously lied to you about the frequency and content of these messages. If I understand correctly, at the point of him sending these messages you'd been together for a year? If he'd only just broken up with her I'd be much more forgiving.

I agree with Highland with regard to the worst thing is the fact you feel that something isn't right between you. If you could honestly say your relationship was better than ever and you were both happy I would perhaps say you should leave the past in the past.

Of course, whatever you're picking up on at the mo could be absolutely nothing to do with his ex - could it be work stress/financial worries/anything else? Perhaps you'd be best testing the waters with that first - just say you've noticed that he seems a bit distant with you and ask him if everything is ok? You never know, he might tell you something which can account for his change in behaviour?

I do, however, get the feeling that your mind won't be at rest until you check his phone/ask him about it and that really could open up a can of worms. I suppose it depends whether you think you can turn a blind eye and just leave it in the past.
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beesknees123
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Re: Should I rock the boat?

Post by beesknees123 » Fri Oct 12, 2012 3:06 pm

Thanks for the response guys, I think I will brooch the subject with him. We're spending the day together on Sunday, I'll try to do it then and let you know..

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