Confused about what to do..

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man-alive
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Re: Confused about what to do..

Post by man-alive » Mon Oct 01, 2012 9:35 pm

Perhaps I phrased that wrong. She didn't say she would end it if I wanted to work things out. She said she would end it. And was hoping I wanted to continue our relationship.
She did say that she had no real feelings for him. And that it was just physical.

She has expressed some frustration with my sexual performance in the past. I guess I should have paid more attention to that, and dealt with it. I put it off. Obviously, I
made a mistake there.
I am trying to make up my mind whether to give this another shot. I do still want to be with her. (sad as that may sound)

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highlandcow
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Re: Confused about what to do..

Post by highlandcow » Mon Oct 01, 2012 9:44 pm

man-alive wrote:I do still want to be with her. (sad as that may sound)
It's not sad at all. When you love someone, you'll want to save it.

I hope that you can find some way of working through it.
Go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say:
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Re: Confused about what to do..

Post by Happyandhopeful » Tue Oct 02, 2012 1:14 am

When I first read your post I was really hoping you were wrong and your girlfriend was not having an affair. :(

But now it is out in the open I hope you can both work things out. Whatever happens you both need to talk openly and not be scared of saying the wrong thing to each other.

Keep strong and I hope you make the right decision.

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Re: Confused about what to do..

Post by rufio89 » Tue Oct 02, 2012 9:13 am

Noone can help you make this decision but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry things have worked out this way and I hope you find a way through it (whatever you decide). It can be tough to regain trust if someone has been unfaithful but if you love them I think it can be done.

Good luck, we're all thinking of you xxx

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Re: Confused about what to do..

Post by RagDoll » Tue Oct 02, 2012 9:22 am

I think as someone else said, you really need to decide whether you can make it work in conjunction with your girlfriend. There are obviously underlying issues/problems and whether you can move past this depends on whether they can be worked on and resolved.

Of course, it also depends on how you feel and whether you are willing to forgive her, and feel you can re-build the trust etc. If you will always hold it against her/be resentful etc. it won't work but it might be the type of thing that you don't know until you try.

It all depends on how you feel - if you feel the relationship is worth saving, and of course, whether she thinks the same.
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Re: Confused about what to do..

Post by Nonsuch » Tue Oct 02, 2012 11:05 am

I think, re-reading your opening post, that the seeds of this relationship's demise were already there before she met this other chap. You mentioned the length of your relationship and her sex drive being lower than it was before. This tells me that the relationship was already going off the boil, all it took was someone else to step in and take advantage of the cracks already there. These are the signs that a relationship has run its course. It's no-ones 'fault' - it just happens. The real problem is that neither of you felt able to honestly discuss the issues in your relationship before it came to this. But with the decreased sex drive, well the signs were there already, weren't they? :roll:

The positive thing is that you are now both being honest with each other right now. If you can honestly say you can move on from this and forgive and forget, AND if she can honestly say that she wants to be with you to the exclusion of all others (doesn't seem likely though, or she wouldn't have had the affair), then give it a go. However, if someone cheated on me, I personally would not give them another chance. Not out of anger, more out of self-preservation, because, even if she never, ever cheats on you again, it will always be 'there'. Better to move on and find someone faithful. Just my opinion.

man-alive
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Re: Confused about what to do..

Post by man-alive » Tue Oct 02, 2012 5:16 pm

Thanks for the advice so far. I value each point of view. I have been doing some thinking, and have yet to come to a decision.
Honestly, I do want to continue the relationship. I still have to do some thinking before I decide fully, though.
Please do keep offering your opinions, it has been a great help so far.

There are some underlying issues, that have been there for some time, particular our sexual relationship. I guess I preferred to
ignore them before - which has probably played a part in what has happened. I think "Nonsuch" pointed this out and was probably
right in that observation.
I know it may be difficult to sort these sexual problems out. As it now seems clear she was a lot more dissatisfied with our sex life
than i thought she was. And I also will have to ask her what he was offering that was better than what i offer (that might not be
easy to listen to).

I do think I can forgive her for what happened. It wont be easy though. I do feel a bit angry when I think of what she was doing, but
I think I can get over that, and I wont use it against her - I'm not the type of person to do that. Strangely enough, the one thing that
bothers me more than anything else is that she was allowing him to ejaculate inside her. I know its a crude thing to mention, but it
does bother me.

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Re: Confused about what to do..

Post by man-alive » Tue Oct 02, 2012 6:06 pm

Also, I am still confused as to why our relationship was better than ever, while this affair was going on. Seems to be a contradiction.
I'm wondering how to keep the relationship as good as it has been for three months from now on.

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Re: Confused about what to do..

Post by Nonsuch » Tue Oct 02, 2012 6:46 pm

Why would you want to ask her what he could offer that you can't? Why would you put yourself through that? What do you hope to achieve? It would be torture. You are inviting her to compare you both and give her verdict. She probably won't be able to explain it anyway. The one thing he could offer is that he was a new experience. That's all. We are all pretty much made the same, we have the same bits and bobs, we use them in much the same ways (ok, with variations, but you know what I mean). It sounds like she was looking for excitement, nothing more. She said there weren't feelings involved, just sex. So, it was the newness of the experience that she wanted.

As for the improved state of your own relationship during her affair, it is well documented that people having affairs have an increased sex drive fuelled by the excitement of the affair, they pay more attention to themselves and more attention to their partner. Whether paying more attention to their partner is out of guilt or just the excitement of the affair spilling over into 'real life', I'm not sure.

You have to also face the fact that her having the affair may really have been a way of bringing about the end of her relationship with you. You implied that she was leaving the decision with you about whether to continue your relationship or not. However, in having the affair, she may have forced your hand so that it's you who ends it, rather than her.

As for the ejaculation - try not to get bogged down in the details. You will just increase your pain. The affair happened, that's enough to be going on with.

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Re: Confused about what to do..

Post by Bel Bel » Wed Oct 03, 2012 12:50 pm

Would you be willing to go to a realtionship counsellor and a sexual counsellor
You admitted you neglected to deal with the problems before. SHe should have just said I am unhappy and am leaving unless you sort this but she didn't so that suggests to me she does love you but found it difficult to overcome this issue. An affair was an easy option. As nonsuch said the cracks were ther so it was easily manipulated.
I think if you can resolve the sexual issues with professional help and can have conseeling to learn to communicate better you do ahve a chance to trun this round if you both really want to. It sounds like she is willing to.
If not the relationship conselling may at lkeast help you part more amicably and learn from the mistakes you both made so you don't carry them into any future realtionships
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Re: Confused about what to do..

Post by man-alive » Wed Oct 03, 2012 5:12 pm

I haven't been thinking much about counselling. Still trying to get my mind clear and to figure out how to re-start things with her.
She is still staying at her parents' house, but we have been texting, and will probably meet up this weekend to discuss things
face to face.
But perhaps sexual counselling might help, as it seems to be the biggest problem in our relationship.
Still trying to come to terms with the knowledge that she's been seeing someone else for three months..

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Re: Confused about what to do..

Post by highlandcow » Wed Oct 03, 2012 8:00 pm

man-alive wrote: Strangely enough, the one thing that bothers me more than anything else is that she was allowing him to ejaculate inside her. I know its a crude thing to mention, but it does bother me.
That's totally understandable. Try not to dwell on it too much, or you'll drive yourself crazy.
man-alive wrote:Still trying to come to terms with the knowledge that she's been seeing someone else for three months..
And you will be for some time. Perfectly normal. It will take a long time to get used to that, but if you work at it, it'll become easier to deal with.

I would look into the counselling though. It's worth doing if you want to save it.
Go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say:
'It's good to be alive!'"

- Billy Connolly

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Re: Confused about what to do..

Post by snail » Wed Oct 03, 2012 10:15 pm

man-alive wrote:Still trying to come to terms with the knowledge that she's been seeing someone else for three months..
Coming to terms with it will take as long as it takes. There's no need to rush it, or think that you have to do anything at all at the moment.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

Najwa Zebian

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Re: Confused about what to do..

Post by rufio89 » Thu Oct 04, 2012 9:19 am

I agree with the others, especially about not rushing.

I think everything you're feeling is totally normal, try not to think too much about the details though, you'll just drive yourself crazy. What happened happened and you cant change that by torturing yourself over it.

Stay strong :grouphug:

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