What is wrong with me??

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Happyandhopeful
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Re: What is wrong with me??

Post by Happyandhopeful » Sun Sep 02, 2012 10:36 pm

Thanks all for your replies, even though I saw this message by accident I can understand what you are all saying. And you are right I should let it go. There just seem to be so many issues I have to let go of and stop putting all the blame on myself.

Roll on the day when all this is a distant memory and I can move on. :(

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Re: What is wrong with me??

Post by Bel Bel » Tue Sep 04, 2012 3:53 pm

Just remember things are quite simplistic to teenagers but he will grow up and realise people don't have affairs fro no reason
He will start to realise realtionships aren't as cut and dry as he thinks
Hang in there
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Re: What is wrong with me??

Post by Happyandhopeful » Wed Sep 12, 2012 12:55 am

Just popping in to give an update on my progress. Things seem to be more amicable with my husband and he hasn't brought up any nasty comments recently. I had my first day at college yesterday and really enjoyed it, my husband looked after our son while I was there. Met some lovely people on my course and am excited about my future. It's going to be hard work but well worth it. I have left a 3 week gap between seeing my counsellor, feeling I am making progress and getting more confident in myself. I really am starting to feel that I can let go of the little things.

I decided a week ago that I would get on with my life and not rely on my husband for anything, especially childcare and that he would need me before I needed him, and I was right. Since then I think the penny has dropped with him too and he seems to be trying harder to get along.

Thanks Bel Bel I know I'm not one to just have an affair for the sake of it and I am a good person, just felt a bit worthless for a while. Not anymore though [-X

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Re: What is wrong with me??

Post by Bel Bel » Wed Sep 12, 2012 3:09 pm

So lovely to hear you have turned a huge corner.
Thanks for letting us know
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Happyandhopeful
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Re: What is wrong with me??

Post by Happyandhopeful » Thu Sep 27, 2012 11:23 pm

Things have been better lately and the calls from my husband had gone right down to probably once a week instead of every couple of days. But things feel as though they have gone downhill today. He has rang about something every day this week and I started to get worried he was going to kill himself at one stage. So on to today....

It was always going to be a difficult day for me anyway as my niece & nephew celebrated their 18th birthday today, and as they are on my husbands side of the family i knew I couldn't go after what happened at the last family do. So my husband took our two boys. I was ok & kept myself busy as me & my mum spent some time together. So when my husband dropped him back he joked by saying has he gone now and who have you had here then, as i didn't hear the intercom straight away. He said he was joking and i didn't bite back. But what hurts is when he had gone my son said 'did you have anyone here while I was gone mum' so I asked if he meant a man and he said yes. I asked if his dad had been saying things to him and he said yes. So I told him when there is a man in my life you will be the first to know about it. But it's so hard because I want my son to enjoy spending time with his dad, but how do I deal with this.

Also it's my son's birthday in a few weeks and my son came home tonight and said he is going to have a birthday party at his dads house as it is bigger. I'm okay about it, but feel my husband has planted this in his mind as he hasn't asked to have a party, he just wanted us all to go out for a meal. I don't want to miss his party, but feel I should leave all the preparation up to my husband as it sounds as though it was his idea.

I wanted my son to see more of his dad as I thought it would be good for both of them, but it was easier for me when my husband didn't want to know. Do I just grin and bear this, as I feel I am taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back.

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Re: What is wrong with me??

Post by Nonsuch » Fri Sep 28, 2012 2:36 pm

I don't agree. You are not 'one step forward, two steps back'. You are actually handing the situation very well. You didn't bite back when he tried to provoke you. You kept your dignity. Good for you. =D>

It is okay that you didn't go to the 18th birthday party. These are your husbands relations, not yours, and by not going to the party, you are beginning to move on. That's good.

You didn't lose your cool when you husband (sort of) threatened to do himself in. Good response. :-"

Your husband wants to give your son a party - that's great. I hope he spends a lot of cash and makes your son feel really special. Your son needs to know your husband cares about him. He's his Dad. You and your son can always go out for a Birthday meal by yourselves at another time. It will give you a chance to spend that quality time with your son that says, "I love you, I value you". And your son gets two treats. Good stuff.

You were honest with your son by saying that if there was a new man in your life that he would be the first to know. You struck the right note there. Also good.

Don't worry about anything that your husband might say to your son. Your son will believe the evidence of his own eyes i.e. that your are honest with him, are reliable and consistent. If you can be all of the above with your son, he will take your husbands remarks with a large pinch of salt - and probably see them for the mean-spirited comments they are.

So, all in all, things are actually going well for you. You just need to change your thinking about it. As they say in the advert, 'It's all good'! :lol:

Nx

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Re: What is wrong with me??

Post by Ticktock » Fri Sep 28, 2012 4:24 pm

I agree with non-such you are dealing with his attempted provocations really well, what he is trying to do is to isolate you from other people, he plays the reasonable husband while you play the unstable wife. I think we can take his recent good behaviour as a lull in the war he is conducting against you, in fact if I were you I would still seek an alternative babysitter for the college course, reducing his hold over your day to day life is going to be the best strategy in the long term.

All you can do is be honest with your son, but also be honest with your husband, if he is out of order (as he certainly was this time) tell him you will go to the next family event to protect your son, yes it will be uncomfortable but his best interest is to drive you away so everyone only hears his side of the story, if you explained to his family what he had told your sons I don't think they would be happy at all...

Don't get drawn in to his cries of helplessness, if he really wanted you back he would have apologised as any normal person would, but this is all about either getting you to come back without him having to apologise or to intimidate you so much you don't take the next step and separate properly. Either way leaving things the way you are is just a recipe for being used as a target.

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Re: What is wrong with me??

Post by Happyandhopeful » Sat Sep 29, 2012 12:48 am

That's lovely Nonsuch, I didn't realise how far I had come and you're right. Sometimes you need someone else to point it out for you. I suppose I just get afraid as it feels as though my 14 year old is being slowly pulled away from me and I fear that the same will happen with my 8 year old. My husband just has this way of making everyone feel sorry for him, or being afraid to say anything at all (all depending what mood he is in).

Yesterday when my son came back home it felt as though things had changed, but today all is good and we have had the most amazing evening and some lovely cuddles.
Ticktock wrote:Don't get drawn in to his cries of helplessness, if he really wanted you back he would have apologised as any normal person would, but this is all about either getting you to come back without him having to apologise or to intimidate you so much you don't take the next step and separate properly. Either way leaving things the way you are is just a recipe for being used as a target.
You just made me think there Ticktock as I can't remember him ever apologising, all his tactics seem to be to make me feel guilty or feel sorry for him. And both seem to catch me off guard when I have a low day.

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Re: What is wrong with me??

Post by Ticktock » Sat Sep 29, 2012 7:14 am

I wondered if that would be the case, surprising how that an inability to admit you are wrong and say sorry is a common factor in a lot of abusive men, it can be for a variety of reasons, for example in case I know of it is because the individual has a weak ego and apologising is seen as inflicting almost a physical injury on themselves, in another it is a toxic mixture of young male pride and cultural misogyny, and in others it is mental illness pure and simple.

The other side is a need for people to forget their wrongdoing almost immediately and reacting with anger if reminded.

Your boys will recognise what their dad is in the long term, in fact if your husband doesn't tone down the attacks on you they may come to dread the visits to him. My wife was in a similar situation with her ex and in the long term her boys would just visit him once a year if that as it always became a case of interrogation about what my wife was doing then demands to prove loyalty by going along with what he said. When he found out years after the fact that she was married and happy with someone else and they had forgotten to mention it I think it killed his controlling side stone dead!

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Re: What is wrong with me??

Post by Happyandhopeful » Wed Oct 03, 2012 10:38 am

I know it is still early days for me regarding the split, but today I feel really down :(

I see my 14 year old about 2/3 nights a week and up until the last week or so he would ring me if he needed anything such as food or money. But lately he doesn't even seem to do that, so yesterday I thought I would like to see him and asked him if he was up to anything after school, he said he was out with his mates. My husband rang me again this morning about financial issues and taking our 8 year old son out. So I mentioned to my husband that our 14 year old son doesn't seem to be bothered about seeing me and only comes over to stay because he has to. My husband told me that he has more or less said that he's not bothered if he comes over or not. But he also mentioned that they don't talk either, all he gets is the odd grunt here and there and seems to escape into his own world with his mates. He thinks it's just my son's reaction to the split as family is very important to him.

So I don't know whether to keep pushing him and trying to see him on the days he is not over, or just enjoy the times he does come over and try to plan enjoyable things to do when he is there. It's so hard sometimes. :cry:

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Re: What is wrong with me??

Post by RagDoll » Wed Oct 03, 2012 11:07 am

To be fair a lot of your son's attitude could be put down to nothing more than his age - when I was 14 all I wanted to do was hang around with my mates and I probably wouldn't have admitted to wanting to spend anytime with my parents either.

It would be more worrying if he was a different person with your husband, but it sounds like he doesn't get much out of him either so I think it's mostly just typical teenager type behaviour. I can't say if your separation has exacerbated his behaviour, I am just trying to say don't take it too much to heart - my parents are in a long, happy marriage and I still went on like an idiot in my teens!!

I would suggest that you stick with the days you have plans with your son and try and make them as fun as possible. Even though your son won't admit it, I am sure he does look forward to spending time with you.
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Re: What is wrong with me??

Post by Bel Bel » Wed Oct 03, 2012 12:37 pm

I agree with ragdoll about him juts being a normal teen.
Doe he have mates where you live?If not then don't push him to come over as he may well be bored there and resent having to be taking away from his social life. I think as long as you are seeing him a least once a week that's fine.
Again I can only reiterate what I said in another post, go to citizens advice about getting your finances separated so your husband doesn't need to keep calling.
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Re: What is wrong with me??

Post by Happyandhopeful » Thu Oct 04, 2012 8:39 pm

When I think about what you've all said i know you are right, he is a typical teenager and didn't really have much to say when I was with my husband. What I think is happening is the time I have to think it all over allows me to blow it out of proportion, and being more sensitive at the moment doesn't help.

I will enjoy the times we do have together and be there if he needs me.

Bel Bel I will be looking at a way to get our finances separated - I understand it has to be done.

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Re: What is wrong with me??

Post by Happyandhopeful » Sat Oct 06, 2012 10:27 am

Nonsuch wrote:Hi Unhappy,
I have been following your thread with interest. I suggest you read a book called, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It's the 'user's manual' to understanding the minds of manipulative and controlling men. If you feel you're being 'played', then you probably are. Your counsellors comment about you being emotionally abused during your marriage sounds spot on. I think reading the book will open your eyes. After that, there will be no going back. Also know that you are not alone.
Nonsuch x
Nonsuch I ordered this book the other day and it arrived yesterday. I can't put it down and cannot believe what has been happening over the years. Two parts have stuck out so far and describe a lot of abuse that has been going on, he is manipulative and plays the victim. I think these are two of the hardest ones to prove because as Lundy explains you end up feeling that you are imagining these things or are going crazy. That is probably why I have ended up tracking every movement he makes, especially on the computer and phone records because I had to prove to myself I wasn't going mad. But it also kept me focused on him over the years and not on myself. Even since i have left he has still been doing this and really I still haven't been fully concentrating on me. :roll:

Must go and read on.....

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Re: What is wrong with me??

Post by Nonsuch » Sat Oct 06, 2012 11:30 pm

Hi Unhappy, I'm so glad you are finding it useful. I remember reading it myself quite a few years ago now, and so much of it rang true for me at that time. Knowledge is power and, after you finish the book, you will have so many tools to deal with his behaviour - and you'll be able to spot the 'red flags' in any future prospective partner too. So you'll be well protected!
Nx

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