Struggling

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captainf
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Struggling

Post by captainf » Wed May 25, 2011 1:33 am

Hey everyone,

I know most of you know about the break up I went through back in January and how she eventually cut me out of her life when her and the guy she left me for officially got together, but I am struggling abit. I have accepted that the relationship is over and I am sad that she didn't remain friends with me but at the same time this has all left me feeling very bad.

I dont know where to begin to be honest. After we broke up I was so mixed and so upset because it all happened so suddenly and I was literally taken by surprise. I thought I had pretty much weathered it all and was starting to move on from it all recently. I was feeling abit happier within myself but over the past few weeks my eczema has played up on numerous occasions. This evening its really bad and i'm going to the doctors tomorrow. It got me thinking that recently I havent been as happy as I thought I was. Infact, inside I have felt fairly anxious because I don't think i'm dealing with some worries that was created after the break up.

She was so in to me and was always talking of a future and how one day she wanted to marry me. I loved the idea of us having a future. I really loved the fact that someone saw a future with me and that it was a long term one. No one has ever talked about a long term future like that before so I was so happy. The thing is, after she left it got me feeling rather worried - if someone else in the future mentions a long term future, how can I be definite and trust in them that they wont do the same and run off so suddenly? I just felt so at ease and relax with my ex that I am just worried I won't feel that relaxed with anyone else as i'll be on edge.

Also I do really want to settle down really. I am 27 in a few weeks and I would love to have someone to build a future with. Thing is, at the moment i'm trying to control my eczema again as its been playing up lately (mainly around my waist, stomach and lower back) and its worrying me that no one will like me. I mean, eczema is high maintenance and to be honest with you I could see why a woman wouldnt want to be with someone with eczema. I am not saying that in a self pittying way, I am just being honest. It can affect ones mood, sex drive etc.

I think that once I regain control of my eczema again I will feel alot better. I am exhausted because I havent had a good nights sleep for a few nights and I just feel anxious. I really want to feel love again and I want to feel loved in return again too, but I just wish I could find someone who really would commit to a long term future with me.
Remember how the runway lights looked one night long ago when you were lost and found your way, and how-you still dont know?

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brendo
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Re: Struggling

Post by brendo » Wed May 25, 2011 2:35 am

I wanted to comment but I don't know how to say what I'm thinking without sounding like a fruit cake. Anyway, here goes:

Breakups do take quite awhile to get over and its only been five months so give yourself more time.
if someone else in the future mentions a long term future, how can I be definite and trust in them that they wont do the same and run off so suddenly?
The answer to this is that you can never be 100% certain that the next person in your life will stick to such a promise either. Its little comfort I know but it is the truth. We can never place our self worth in our relationships with other people, only in our relationship with ourselves. Of course it would be fantastic to meet the woman of your dreams in the future and I'm sure that this will be the likely outcome, but what if that doesn't happen? What then? How can you have self value if you seem to look for it only in the length of time a partner is willing to stay with you?

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you maybe to need to focus on yourself right now and not the next potential relationship. You're 26, you've plenty of young years ahead of you and loads of time yet to find that significant other so why not spend a few months thinking of yourself for now? Find your own worth in yourself. Learn what it is that makes you such a great guy and try to stop focusing on your negative attributes. Your eczema is not the biggest of issues, hundreds of thousands of people have terrible skin and acne problems throughout adulthood, myself included.

Have you tried meditative music to help you sleep - I find its a great relaxant when I'm anxious at night time.
Apologies for the self-help jargon, I tried to keep it to a minimum though!
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” -Albert Einstein

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Wint
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Re: Struggling

Post by Wint » Wed May 25, 2011 11:36 am

Absolutely, you need to try and be confident in yourself before moving on to another partner. Otherwise, you'll just end up leaning on them for emotional support, expecting them to put your mind at rest over issues that you and only you should be coming to terms with. My ex - who I was in the midst of a reconciliation with up until last Friday and is pregnant with a child that may or may not be mine - told me roughly five days ago that she's not been as attracted to me for the last eight months, which suggests to me that almost half of our 18 month relationship was pretty much a sham. I too feel concerned about trusting another regarding long term commitment, but that's simply because I'm not over my ex yet and don't trust her with regards to this issue. It simply proves however, that she isn't good enough for me, just as your ex wasn't good enough for you. If she could run off with someone else in the way that she did to you, who's to say that she won't do it to the lad that she ran off with too?! Hence...

1) You're first step is to try and start doing things which you enjoy to relieve your stress and cheer you up. Go out with your mates, take up a new hobby you've always wanted to etc. This should help you to de-stress and, with luck, also help keep your eczema at bay, and thus give your self esteem a boost.

2) Secondly, and although this might not be an opinion shared by all men but I know it works for me, get with another girl, asap lol. It's only a quick fix, but it's a very good way to make you feel confident about yourself again, proving that you are most definitely attractive to the fairer sex. It's not a rule of thumb, but most girls (although obviously not all) sleep with a lad for one simple fact: they're attracted to them. Again, this doesn't apply to all blokes, but I know I've often in the past had a one night stand, just for the sex and the fact it's boosted my confidence :)

3) Thirdly and finally, you have to stop doing anything that reminds you of her. Remove objects that remind you of your old relationship from your direct line of sight, stop going to places that conjure memories etc This is a new start for you, a positive thing, and a chance to one day meet a girl who will rock your world and treat you like a king. In a true relationship, as partners you celebrate who one another are, speak no lies etc etc The harsh but true fact is, no matter how she made you feel, your ex wasn't right for you, but someone out there is. Get over your ex first, enjoy your life as a single man, as at 26, you're hardly past it :)

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Re: Struggling

Post by machine » Wed May 25, 2011 8:03 pm

Aloe Vera Juice is very good for eczema (amongst other things like asthma). Forever Living Products is the most potent. I'snt eczema also stress related?

There is only one absolute in this life and that is we will all die. Why wreck a potentially good thing because of a past experience?

Whats for you wont go past you.

Your also still young.

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Re: Struggling

Post by captainf » Thu May 26, 2011 12:11 am

Thankyou kindly to everyone who has replied.
I actually feel abit happier tonight. I went to the docs and got some antibiotics and a steriod cream which is helping, so I am feeling abit better but it will be a few days until im back to normal.

Oh no, I would never get into a relationship while I have baggage from a previous relationship. Before I met my ex last year I had been single for 4yrs. I had been single that long because I just wanted to be happy within myself and, as you say, not base my happiness on someone else.
I think I just generally miss my ex, the little things like when she would notice a slight change in my mood and want to help, or just getting a text or a hug from her. She showed me alot of love and affection and I do miss that from her because she was a good girlfriend, until she left for that other guy (they had a short lived thing together before I had met her)

I am just focusing on myself now. I had hoped she would be my friend but unfortunately she decided not to be which is sad as we were close. I think that I just have days when I miss her and think back to how happy we both were before her friend became single and confessed his apparent feelings for her. I am starting to do my own thing now. Although I must addmit that I could never have a casual thing with anyone. I know Wint mentioned finding a girl asap but I would prefer to be on my own until I find the right person to have something longer lasting with. I enjoy the settled life when I have a partner - snuggling up indoors on a cold winters evening with a DVD while the wind and rain comes down outside, or being out by a lake in the summer and enjoying a picnic etc I love that sort of thing with a girlfriend. I will get to do that again, im sure, but just not yet.
Once my skin is settled in a few days i'll go back to jogging along the canal and continue building the model C47 dakota I started a while back.
I was supposed to do some flying this week too but didnt get to due to my eczema so hopefully i'll get to do that in the near future. I opted out this week as obviously my mind wouldnt be focused on flying the plane fully while I was in discomfort.

Overall I think I just feel abit let down by my ex. We were so good together and she walked away. I guess you are all right though, I will find someone else in time who will make me happy like that again and thats something I can lookforward to. I guess i'll have up and down days for a while but hopefully I will fully move on in time. I think if she had remained my friend I would of been happier but as she cut me off as soon as they got together officially, I just feel its ashame. Nothing I can do about that and I accept that. I also accept that I will have good and bad days for a while to come.
Remember how the runway lights looked one night long ago when you were lost and found your way, and how-you still dont know?

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Re: Struggling

Post by Nail Queen » Thu May 26, 2011 1:03 am

Hi
I am by no means a relationship expert but I do think that some relationships however good they seem are just not meant to last. There's no denying that you were both good for each other and it is very sad she has chosen not to remain friends, maybe in time this will change. It's no crime in missing her in fact I'd say it's normal but in time you will heal and definately find someone new. You come across in your forum posts as a truly kind and sensitive guy so any girl would be lucky to have you, anyone who lets your eczema get in the way of a relationship is probably not worth your time. Get yourself into a good skin care routine so even when your anxious or stressed your flair ups should be less severe.
Look after yourself :-)
In the words of Don Mclean......
They were not listening, They're not listening still, Perhaps they never will!

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Re: Struggling

Post by captainf » Thu May 26, 2011 2:26 am

Hey :)

It does appear to be true that some good relationships are not meant to be which is very sad. I do hope that one day she can be my friend but I guess that shes probably forgotten all about me by now. She has her boyfriend and they spend alot of time together so I would imagine I dont even cross her mind. This is the outlook I must have because the chances are she probably won't ever want to be friends and so I have to be prepared for her never making contact again.
I guess you are quite right, any decent woman would see past my eczema and love me for me.
I do generally lookafter my skin well (shower daily, moisturise etc) but I think my stress levels lately probably caused it to play up and become a little infected, hence the need for antibiotics and steroid cream. Hopefully all will be well within a few days :)

Thankyou kindly for your compliments :) I do my best to be as kind and considerate as possible.
Remember how the runway lights looked one night long ago when you were lost and found your way, and how-you still dont know?

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Re: Struggling

Post by get1 » Fri May 27, 2011 9:31 pm

eczema can be exacerbated by low mood and anxiety. you sound like a decent,kind person. someone will love you for that. eczema is not a fault, neither is being fat, thin, depressed or having one leg. eczema is part of you and makes you what you are and you are as noted above. i hope that makes sense.

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Re: Struggling

Post by captainf » Mon May 30, 2011 12:10 am

Thankyou kindly. You are quite right that eczema is generally provoked by stress and anxiety and I was feeling alot of stress and anxiety of late however the past few days I have been feeling more relaxed and trying to keep myself calm and not worry too much about the future.
My eczema has improved alot with the antibiotics and hopefully it will continue to improve. I'm doing my best to relax and take my mind off of worries that I have no control over :)
Remember how the runway lights looked one night long ago when you were lost and found your way, and how-you still dont know?

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Re: Struggling

Post by Liquidius » Mon May 30, 2011 5:33 pm

Hey,

Just read this post, and thought I'd throw in my two cents, for what it's worth (even though much of what I'm going to say has already been said!).

You're a lovely person CF, anyone who knows you would say that, and any woman worth anything would see straight past the Eczema and not care.

I know it's hard when you split up with someone, especially when they then decide to run off with someone else and cut contact (have been in the exact same situation as before). It takes a while, but eventually you'll realise that she wasn't the person you were supposed to be with, and that you deserve to be treated much better. You'll find that lady at some point in the future; I'm sure of it. For the time being, just focus on being you, and being happy with who you are in your own skin. :)

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Re: Struggling

Post by captainf » Mon May 30, 2011 9:46 pm

Hey :)

Thankyou very much for your kind words and support, Liquidius :) That really does mean alot to me :)

Thankyou. I guess you are quite right in what you say. I think that I just thought I had someone who was going to be there long term, the way she seemed so attatched to me and talking about a long term future made me feel very happy and secure, having that so suddenly taken away with like a big kick in the balls really. I guess thats what has been taking me a while to overcome and now I am starting to realise that maybe there will be someone out there that will see a long term future with me eventually and accept my eczema too.

I guess time is the key :)
Remember how the runway lights looked one night long ago when you were lost and found your way, and how-you still dont know?

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