Relationship help

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Just Landed
Just Landed
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Relationship help

Post by Honey01 »

Just need something advice. So I’ve been with my partner for 3 years now it’s safe to say we’ve had our fair share of issues. I become dependent on alcohol so it caused a lot of damage arguments etc. I decided our relationship couldn’t continue like this and for my own health I quit. I am 5 months sober now. The issue we have is my partner has just bought his own house. (Has been his goal since we met) and he wants me to move in with him however I’m at a time where I am ready for marriage and children and he isn’t. He said he’s happy to try end of this year as for marriage he’s not too fussed about it and doesn’t feel we are at that stage. I’m freaking out because I feel why should I move in when he’s stalling and I’ve pressured him so much that I don’t even want it now as if he was to propose I feel it wouldn’t be genuine. He feels how can things progress if I won’t move in? Which I understand but why should I not get a ring before? We have lived together during 1st lockdown but I moved out because we argued. I have def pulled back a lot and have seen him less and I have said maybe it’s best we seperate as clearly in different timelines. Should I jist totally make a go of it move in and be positive trusting it will happen or just accept we are not on same page but could be in time? I feel single and alone 🥲 he’s under so much pressure with the new house etc that I’ve just said let’s split but he doesn’t want too. Please nice support only. all the good memories outweigh the bad abs we’ve each made mistakes lost a lot of trust and love. We haven’t seen each other for over a week and still arguing!
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Re: Relationship help

Post by reckoner »

I think the critical piece of information here is that he has bought a house. This is a valuable asset, worth hundreds of thousands of pounds, I assume. If he marries you, you will have a legal claim on this valuable asset should you split up, without you having contributed a penny.

The risk is all his should the marriage go wrong. But you are refusing to move in for both of you to feel confident that you can live together happily and therefore be confident that the marriage will work.

I share his view that you should live together first before deciding to get married. But before that, I think you need to find out if marriage is as important to him as it is to you; don't leave it to luck or guesswork.

You need an open, honest conversation about it with him, without pressure, so he can tell you how he really feels and how he defines the right "stage" of a relationship for marriage.
Just Landed
Just Landed
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Re: Relationship help

Post by Kcor »

I agree with the comment above, but as a sometimes excessive drinker and toxic relationship veteran I have something to add. You say you argue a lot and that during first lockdown you lived together and it didn't work, but by the same token you have great memories and a lot of love between you. It sounds to me like you need some air!
Would your boyfriend agree to the two of you taking a month apart? Even though initially you might feel lonely and a bit un anchored, the distance would definitely help you see more clearly what you want.
Learn to live alone a bit, enjoy that first quiet coffee in the morning, see some friends, make plans with yourself, a pizza and a film! I'm aware this sounds idealistic but it would help your mind to just wind down a bit.
I imagine the first months of sobriety are a delicate time and even though it's outstanding that you've done it, it puts a strain on a relationship if you've done it "for him". You might need some time to work all of that out.
Finally, you don't mention your age but perhaps your biological clock is pushing you to stay in a relationship that's not great just because it's all established and "there's no time!".
Take some time to love yourself and dissolve the issues that trigger arguments between the two of you.
I'd rather see a confident, beautiful woman consciously working through her issues than babies in an unhappy home.
Lots and lots of love, I hope it all works out for you!
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