Confused is not the word.

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Mrconfused74
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Confused is not the word.

Post by Mrconfused74 » Fri Sep 20, 2019 4:34 pm

Ok not sure if this belongs in here but I’ll give it a go. And try and keep it short.

So I’ve been single a while now and whilst met a few ladies for coffee it’s not gone anywhere. Then I meet someone, we hit it off straight away, she tells me she’s separated two kids 6 and 11, and we fall for each other big time, now the twist, she’s still living with her partner and I guess that happens sometimes due to finances etc, however the kids don’t know, as a result she’s very reluctant to leave becuase of how it will affect them. Now I said I’d wait, I have done for almost a year and she still can’t commit. Now having separated myself with kids I knownits not easy, in all intense purpose the marriage is over they agreed it was. Yes I know we are having an affair, and if it was just that I’d stop it, but it’s not.
Twist 2 second lady, is separated ( I know where are all the single ladies ) wants to be with me, well at least see how things go, we talk a lot, meet occasionally, no physical contact as yet just a hug. Both are lovely the first is amazing, the other really nice but have known her less time. My question is if someone wants to be with you to the point they break down when you suggest stopping till they leave, would they not leave?? I know I did wrong continuing when I found out the truth but by then we were infatuated with each other. I know about she’s cheating on him so could on me, I just feel torn.

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Re: Confused is not the word.

Post by reckoner » Mon Sep 23, 2019 12:16 pm

Mrconfused74 wrote:
Fri Sep 20, 2019 4:34 pm
My question is if someone wants to be with you to the point they break down when you suggest stopping till they leave, would they not leave??
No, I don't think so, I'm afraid I think that's a misreading. She is currently in a situation that is comfortable for her and the kids, with you on the side. She doesn't want to give up either you or her current living situation. I don't think she wants to be with you as much as she wants things to carry on as they are, that's why she breaks down when you threaten to stop seeing her until she leaves. The situation has already been going on for nearly a year, so leaving is clearly a huge demand for her, and if she hasn't done it yet, I doubt she will. I think this will be as good as it gets.

You're not fully committed to this relationship either, you have a second woman who appears to be a back up. I suppose it's understandable but it doesn't seem like a happy or rewarding situation so I think it's time to call it quits with the first woman. It will also show you once and for all whether she cares enough about you to move herself and the kids. My prediction is another breakdown, attempts to win you back, but she won't actually leave her 'ex'.

Mrconfused74
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Re: Confused is not the word.

Post by Mrconfused74 » Tue Apr 28, 2020 7:48 pm

So I’ve not been here for a while but an update, I took the advice of reckoner and said I needed to end it with First Lady. She said she didn’t want that and said she would leave this was September, as time went on she said it would need to be after xmas cause of the kids. Again this didn’t happen, no matter how much she said she hated being at home, how her OH didn’t want the things she did, or wanted to do anything with her. Always moaning about seeing her friends even to the extent on NYE he was sat at the bar and argued that she should’ve found him for midnight when he knew where she was. She went away with friends cause he didn’t want too, all the while telling me she wished id have gone. Now with lockdown there’s another reason not too. So it’s been 5 months and nothing. Second lady decided to try one last time with her OH although she says it was to show others she made the effort, again lockdown has prevented her moving on. I think the 1st is content with how things are, she gets the security of home, doesn’t hurt the kids and still gets what’s she’s missing at home with me. But still always says what can she do at the moment?? I suppose all I can do is see, and if nothing changes after lockdown, I’ll have to move on. Maybe from both but I’ve been single now 2 years, I know they say all good things come to those who wait but perhaps this isn’t the case.

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Re: Confused is not the word.

Post by reckoner » Wed Apr 29, 2020 7:37 pm

So: First Lady's husband still expects a New Year kiss from her; she would have gone on holiday with him if he'd wanted to (she says she wishes you'd gone with her, but not enough to have actually asked you); he still wants her to prioritise him over her friends; she hasn't told the kids she's 'separated'. I think it's important to clarify that, contrary to how you described her in your original post, First Lady is not separated at all. Her marriage may be bad but it is far from over. Lockdown is just the latest excuse.

You say the lockdown has also stopped Second Lady from moving on, but that also sounds like an excuse for her preferring to give her partner another shot than try with you.

"I suppose all I can do is see, and if nothing changes after lockdown, I'll have to move on."

It seems lockdown is also an excuse for you to not move on.

This all leads me to wonder why you are so content to be a clear second choice, and to accept such thin excuses for it. It makes me wonder if you ultimately prefer to leave the decision making about your own life to others. For example, you'll go with First Lady if she decides to leave her husband; you'll go with Second Lady if First Lady decides to stay with her family and Second Lady decides to leave her partner. You're just hanging around in the background waiting for their relationships and families to break up so you can take a piece of what's left.

To be frank, I'm not surprised they're not choosing you. Maybe you think you're being patient or understanding but actually you've only deprioritised yourself. Imagine you're in customer service dealing with two complaints. One customer is demanding action be taken immediately, the other is saying "Oh don't worry, you can deal with me whenever you get a chance." Who are you going to deal with first?

By allowing them to feed you whatever scraps of a relationship they have left over, you're encouraging them to continue that way. It's not an effective strategy, nor an attractive quality.

Yes it's true that after a certain age it gets difficult, perhaps impossible, to find people that don't have the same kind of baggage that you yourself have (exes, kids and so on). But that's not a reason to be satisfied with second (or third!) place, or to depend on other people's unhappiness for your happiness.

Have higher standards for both yourself and others. Prioritise yourself by building a life you can happily live single - it's the best way I know to attract someone who wants to prioritise you. I honestly don't believe that accepting less is worth it.

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Re: Confused is not the word.

Post by Tarantula » Mon May 11, 2020 1:38 pm

Reckoner dropping them truth bombs.

Sorry to be the hysterical woman from the Simpsons, but will somebody please think of the children?? I mean, what kind of example are you all modelling for your kids' future relationships. All this sleeping around, drinking, on/off, lies, low status behaviour... it's just nonsense.

You only like first lady because she's the best you can get. You're not willing to do the inner work necessary to stop accepting the scraps of other men. And yes, since she's cheating, I don't mind referring to her as scraps. I mean, doesn't it bother you that after your meetings, she goes home and sleeps with another man - who she then has the audacity to complain about to you? Is it maybe time to raise the bar?

Same goes for second lady. They're both trash, and you are part of the ecosystem of trash because you're buying the lies that they're selling. Where a self-respecting man would leave, you carry on. Why is that?

Appreciate that you won't want to answer that question now, on here, to me, when I'm giving you so much fire. But answer it in your own mind, at least. And be honest. When did your self-esteem get so low?

Kick 'em both out your life and never accept the stale, mouldy, half-eaten bap from another relationship again. Or waste another year. Your choice.

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