I've slept with someone else while on a break!

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G2002
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I've slept with someone else while on a break!

Post by G2002 » Fri Nov 08, 2019 5:03 pm

Hi guys,
Im new here so please be gentle 😀
Ok so ive been in a very on/off "relationship" with this guy for 6 months now. Met him back in April and we hit it off straight away. Things progressed really quickly. He was my first sexual experience too (Im 18, hes 19). So obviously I was hooked. Things were going great for about 6 weeks..and I mean really great. Then I woke up one morning to a text- he had dumped me. No warning, nothing. Just said he didn't want a relationship even though I was a fantastic girl etc. I was crushed!!
2 days later he said he had made a huge mistake and wanted me back. Of course I said yes, I was in love.
Again things were going great for a couple of weeks then boom! He ends it again! This time with a different excuse. And so the pattern continues and stupid me kept going back over and over. At one point Im pretty sure i was just a late night booty call to him though as I wouldn't see him until Sarurday night after a night out...
But then I find out he had been messaging and asking to meet other girls while we were together. Yep I know I should have run for the hills because I called him out on them all and he admitted it but promised it would never happen again....it did though. He never met any of the girls but did message them. Theres at least 6 to my knowledge. Tip of the iceberg??
Anyway back in September we ended for good after my best friend told me had messaged her saying he had always wanted her! I called him.out on it, he said he had just done it to p*** me off but I don't believe him.
I tried so hard to move on. Went out with the girls, got a tattoo (something he would never let me have), got my hair done etc. I wasnt contacting him but would see him regularly on nights out. He would act sooo jealous when he saw me even stood next to another guy. Even got 2 of his friends to warn guys off me and one time his friends started a fight. He had "conveniently" scuttled off home.
My parents dont like him. My Mum thinks hes rude and disrespectful. In the 6 months I was in a "relationship" with him, he came to my house ONCE! And even then it felt forced. All the other times I had to go to him. He lives 7 miles away which is 2 buses or my Mum had to take me.
My friends don't like him because of how hes treated me. But I still love him.
However about 3/4 weeks ago I ended up sleeping with someone else. Both me and my ex know this guy...really well. He is quite close to my ex 🙈. I kinda liked him before I met my ex. We would sometimes flirt but nothing more.
I don't know how we ended up sleeping together, it just sort of happened. He likes me and I like him but thr circumstances aren't ideal enough to tell each other. We agreed to keep quiet about our rendezvous. We exchanged a couple of messages and that was that. I would see him out on a weekend and would catch him looking my way and we would make eye contact. And I got really mad when I saw him flirting with another girl.
Last week for Halloween I went to a party and then we ended up going out. This guy was out too and we ended up kissing. I was stuck for a taxi home so Mum ended up picking me up. He got a lift home too. We were holding hands and joking about, real chemistry between us which my Mum picked up on too...my Mum is ALWAYS right about stuff even though Im always in denial which is sooo scary.
So this Monday he messaged me, told me someone had told him they knew about his little secret (me and him). He didnt know the person but they claimed they knew my ex. Of course he denied it and it got left at that. But he wanted to come pick me up because he wanted to see me to get our stories straight (could have done that in messages) so I agreed he could pick me up after Id done at work. Low and behold, who calls me declaring his love? Yep My EX!! Coincidence? Hes telling me he loves me so much blah blah blah. He facetimed me and wouldn't let me get off the phone. But the other guy was picking me up so I had to get my Mum to shout me to say we were going out.
The other guy came, We talked, and I wanted to admit that I liked him but I couldn't. He asked if my ex had been in touch and I told him that coincidentally yes he had. He told me he was taking another girl out for food tonight and i felt a twang of jealousy. He looked equally as gutted when I told him my ex had been in touch. Funnily enough he never mentioned the mysterious guy who had told him he knew about me and him. Was it just an excuse to see me??
I regret not telling him that I like him because now Im blocked on everything. Hes done it so hes not seeing my name and face all over.
My ex wants me back bad. But im on the fence. Yes I have been to see him and he seems like hes changed but Im not sure. Hes being TOO nice.
Does he know ive slept with this other guy but keeping it from me because he wants to reel me in just to completely humiliate me at a later date? Eg is he going to publicly announce in front of everyone that he knows about it? Or does he not know and his feelings are genuine?
Should I tell him about the other guy?
Will the other guy tell him seeing as hes close to him? Hes said multiple times that he doesnt give a rubbish about my ex so hes got literally nothing to lose if he does tell him.
I know i deserve better than my ex.
I also know that what I did was too close to home. I don't regret it but I do at the same time. Im worried that guilt will get the better of me at some point and it will come pouring out.
I didnt do it out of revenge...although it seems like i did.
Help!!!!

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Tarantula
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Re: I've slept with someone else while on a break!

Post by Tarantula » Sun Nov 10, 2019 1:53 pm

Hi there

Whoa, breathe, lady! You remind me of me when I was your age... ten years ago, lol.

With that in mind, here are my thoughts:

- Watch the alcohol. You don't mention it but I assume when you're going out, you're getting drunk and all that which is fine, having fun, it's okay... so long as you're not making decisions that you'd never consider sober. For example, 'I don't know how we ended up sleeping together, it just sort of happened' - these are the situations you kind of should know. You should know how sex happened. Make sure you're doing things for the right reasons, i.e because you really want to, and not out of pressure or even boredom or anything like that. Be cool! I've personally stopped drinking altogether in the last two years, which is pretty black and white... but a great decision for me. I am so much more in control of myself now and feel I am standing on a bedrock of self-respect rather than waking up the next morning wondering if I did or said something stupid or just, like, not ideal. By the way, I was never addicted to alcohol; I used to drink socially like most 20somethings and at some point got fed up of it.

- About this boyfriend of yours, I mean you know what anyone will think... he's not really your boyfriend, it wasn't a serious relationship, though I totally get that it FELT serious to you... you think he's exciting and cool and stuff, but trust me, guys like that are ten-a-penny. He's really not so special or unique, it's just the significance you're giving him. You're hooked on the drama, which is also part of the being-18, going out, doing the bar scene, experimenting with alcohol etc thing... just don't let it get any more serious than that. You're probably learning a lot about yourself right now. Learn the lessons, and if you only have to go through it once then you'll be doing better than I did. :p You say you deserve better, well, act accordingly. You know what I'm talking about. You say your ex wants you back bad... he just wants to know you still an option, and he can do whatever he wants, give it the 'oh baby I didn't mean it' treatment and you'll go back to him. Don't do it. Put a stop to that nonsense right now. He is 100% still involved with other girls and he won't change that for you. It's a numbers game to him.

- About sleeping with the other guy - relax, you've done nothing wrong. You weren't even with the first guy at the time, so if he finds out, let him, and let the chips fall where they may. No one has leverage over you about this. You don't owe him an explanation - the guy's a cheat. Methinks it's time to move on from the both of them and refocus your attention onto the things that really matter - your education, career, friendships, hobbies. Listen to mum.

G2002
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Re: I've slept with someone else while on a break!

Post by G2002 » Mon Nov 11, 2019 10:22 am

Hi!
Thank you sooo much for your reply..
I totally get where you're coming from and agree with almost everything you have said.

I do need to listen to my Mum more and I know I do...shes scarily accurate when she says stuff but it makes me want to do the opposite of what she says which is probably a typical teenager thing.

I am still in love with my ex and I have been going to see him. My Mum is aware and although shes not overly happy about it, she said shes fed up with arguing with me and doesn't want to lose our fantastic Mum/Daughter relationship. And it is fantastic, most of the time anyway.

Now onto the ex...I want to believe hes changed and so far hes showing it BUT hes got a lot of work to do before I fully trust him. The sad thing is, hes a good guy! Hes grounded, hes got goals, he saves money, Doesn't do drugs, doesn't go out all the time, works hard. Thats what attracted me to him in the first place. So if you met him you wouldn't think he was your typical slimy f***boy. BUT hes what my Mum calls an "accidental" f***boy. By that I think she means that he doesn't know/think that hes doing anything wrong when hes messaging these other girls etc because most of his friendship circle do it so he just goes along with them without thinking of the consequences. Like he didnt intend to but as Mum always says, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Unlucky for him though because Ive not been this completely oblivious "girlfriend" and have found him out and called him out on it.

My Mum said the reason he kept doing it was because I kept forgiving him so he thought it was ok to do it over and over. Shes right again.

The thing thats worrying me though at the moment and my Mum has said the same...hes out of work at the moment so he HAS got time for me. (One of his biggest excuses when he kept ending it or cancelling our plans was because he didn't have time but then Id find out he was sat in the pub at 6pm Constantly on his phone messaging some girl- I had my spies out- but telling me he hadnt done at work til 7pm!)He works for a company and they've just been turned down for a contract working away so hes no work now until after Christmas. So hes taken up his boxing again, something hes been passionate about since he was small, and hoping to turn pro but he does his training through the day while Im at work so it can free his evenings up for us (his words).

Sure, hes got plenty of time for me NOW but what about when he starts work again? Somethings going to have to go and Im worried that after all his promises lately, it will be me...again. And when he isnt training during the day, he could be doing anything and I wouldn't even know. Unless someone grasses him up. Again.

Also, this other girl has cropped up. Yeah we weren't together, and I can't exactly talk after what I did can I?, but they were commenting on each others insta and fb pics, shes added him to her private snapchat story, and then messaged me asking if we are getting back together and loads of other cryptic messages like telling me she can't wait to see me when I go out but I barely know her and shes not in my friendship group...so im really bamboozled by this. He swears there was nothing going on but im not certain. And now shes trying to be my friend....

As for the alcohol and going out..I made myself sound like some drunken alcoholic mess 😂. Im not honestly. I don't go out every weekend (I did when I was single) but I never ever get to a point where Im sooo drunk that I can't remember things or I lose self control. I see other girls like that in the pub and it makes me sad to think that they get allow themselves to get in such a state.

The guy I slept with, well I know how it happened, at the time I didnt know WHY but I do now. Its because I wanted it to. There, Ive said it. Hes absolutely gorgeous, theres HUGE chemistry between us, always has been but until recently we had never acted on it. And its not just sexual either. We actually get on sooo well. Another thing my Mum was right about 🙈. He likes me, I like him but its not the right time. It would have been really awkard. If things go south with the "ex" again, Im going to be kicking myself that I didnt tell him how I felt when I had chance because he will have moved on 😭. Ultimately I had a choice but i still had feelings for my ex. its a really hard situation to be in but i put MYSELF in that situation.

Worse case scenario my ex finds out and I lose him and the other guy. It could be months before it "comes out" and say by then, me and the ex are back together and things are absolutely fantastic (i have my reservations about that ), the other guys moved on and in a relationship- lets say were all doing great and then boom - it comes out. There will be fireworks. Sure I wasnt with him when it happened but he wont be happy considering its one of his friends. And it could potentially harm the other guys relationship too.

Part of me wants to try again with the ex and see if hes really changed or just feeding me BS (like my Mum said, as soon as I see any tell tale signs, ie cancelling dates, hardly seeing me, ignoring messages, OTHER GIRLS, then Ive to walk before I give him chance to humiliate me again), part of me wants to tell this other guy how I feel before I lose that chance. And part of me thinks to get rid of both and be single and enjoy my youth because theres plenty of time for relationships. And its not like i wont ever find someone else because I know I can..although a few weeks ago my confidence was low and I thought I never could.

My career is doing well, I have fantastic friends, who says I need a man to complete me? Im starting to believe I can do just fine without one

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Re: I've slept with someone else while on a break!

Post by boulding » Mon Nov 11, 2019 3:17 pm

Hi
I think you know what the best advice is - take your courage in both hands and get rid of both these creeps. Do it now. Block them on your phone and social media and make a conscious decision not to go to places where they are likely to be. There are decent guys out there but you won't meet one all the while you're bogged down in this wierdo scenario.

Good Luck

G2002
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Re: I've slept with someone else while on a break!

Post by G2002 » Mon Nov 11, 2019 4:43 pm

Hi!
My goodness, it IS a weird scenario isn't it?!
And yep they are BOTH kinda creeps now I think of it.
Neither of them are loyal really...the ex isn't loyal to me and his friend isnt exactly loyal to him is he? Like theres no "Bro Code" being adhered to here...if the other guy was a true "Bro" to my ex, he would never have gone there with me. Im just as bad though really aren't I..yeah we weren't together but I shouldn't have done what I did, well not with one of his friends anyway. I would never dream of sleeping with one of my friends exes! Ever!!!
Its funny actually, because when my ex had upset me for the 3rd time (bearing in mind he ended it 6 times in 6 months) my Mum took me to collect some of my stuff from his house and he came out to my Mums car to apologize but she lost her s**t with him and told him he either leaves me alone and lets me move on OR gets his s**t together and steps up and be the man I deserved (God I love my Mum, she doesnt mince her words 😂). This was the first time my Mum had met him too 🙈.Anyway he told my Mum his "friends" had been encouraging him to stay single, that he didn't need a girlfriend. I'll never forget what my Mum told him and shes 100% spot on. She said , "Ok Jack** (name changed), so you're "friends" are telling you to be one of the lads and be single? Thats fine. But don't for one minute think that your so called "mates" won't try it on with my Daughter as soon as your backs turned. Because I'm telling you now, they will! No doubt about it. Double agents the lot of them. So yeah, you listen to your mates, thats cool, but when you realise how shady they can be then you'll realise that you should never have listened to them in the first place". And oh how she proved that to be true!!!
Im not innocent in all this I know that but Ive literally had 4 of his other "mates" messaging me asking to take me out since we split. I havent responded but he knows about it, Ive told him and he wasn't happy at all but that could be a smoke screen..acting like it bothers him to try and make me think he still loves me...who knows.
They just like to pee up each others backs really and they don't care about anyone but themselves.
My exes ex was crazy but apparently he made her that way..who am I kidding thinking that hes going to change for me?! And his "friend" will just carry on doing what he does best and feeding off everyone elses scraps (exes). Not that Im referring to myself as scraps but you know what I mean. So no, im nothing special to him either!
I need to listen to my Mum more and realise that I AM BETTER THAN THIS!!!

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Re: I've slept with someone else while on a break!

Post by Tarantula » Mon Nov 11, 2019 5:00 pm

Hey

^^ Lol so direct, boulding. But I agree.

You say it's going to take 'a lot of work' before you trust him again... but you're still seeing him, giving him your time and possibly more. As far as he's concerned, it's back on. You can say what you want to him about how you don't trust him, but the very fact that you're still involved with him at all tells the truth. Men are generally objective. He's not interested in woopty-woo concepts of 'does she trust me or not?' He's interested in the facts on paper: is she spending time with me? Is she sleeping with me? Yes? Great, then I don't need to change anything.

You say he's a good guy. Uh what. He cheats on you. That is not a good guy. I don't care that he's 'hot' and has got like bare muscles brah, when a man is serious about you, you will know it. You will not be coming online to ask us to interpret his behaviour. There'll be no need. Who cares that he's a boxer. I think you should start boxing. I did, last year. It's great. All the things you like about him - think on how you can develop those qualities within yourself.

I think you're feeding yourself contradictory messages because the truth is hard to swallow. That's okay. We've all done it. Probably you'll keep doing it until he crosses a new line with you - or an old one, again.

'Id find out he was sat in the pub at 6pm Constantly on his phone messaging some girl- I had my spies out- but telling me he hadnt done at work til 7pm!)' - Yeah, that is not a good guy. I know you're only 18 - but you're still 18. Not 14. Having your spies out? What is this? You shouldn't have to engage in that stupid drama! Leave him be. Enjoy the satisfaction which comes with being able to walk away and let him figure out why. Stop making him a priority when you're just an option, yes, one of many. I don't know what this other girl's deal is but she's probably messing with him as well.

As for the other guy - how DO you feel? I mean you said you still love your ex, so...

Who says you need a man to complete you - YOU say it, not with your mouth, but with your actions. Men respond to actions, not words. Not snapchat stories. So, yous got to cut the bad fruit off of the tree - make the sacrifice. If you can. And listen to mum.

...

OOOOOK just saw your latest post. Well yeah, good on you!! That's what I'm talking aboot!!! His friends are shady, he's shady... are you shady? No? Good, then don't mix with shady people. Find yourself a boxer or other sporty dude who isn't a cheat.

G2002
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Re: I've slept with someone else while on a break!

Post by G2002 » Mon Nov 11, 2019 6:33 pm

Hey Tarantula!
Ive got to thinking that maybe I didnt/don't like/love my ex as much as I thought or I wouldnt have dared go there with one of his mates.
If anything I shouldn't like him at all after the heartbreak hes put me through...

My Mums friend told me she went through the same thing for a month with a guy when she was my age and that was hard enough for her so she doesn't know how the hell Ive coped with the same BS for 6 MONTHS!!
Thats half a year...wow sounds worse when you say it like that doesnt it?!!
Also when I said good guy, I meant hes got his personal life together...Knows where hes going in life and doesnt f**k about with drugs like a lot of other people he knows but clearly he likes to f**k around with peoples feelings....
My Mum told him messaging other girls while in a relationship is just as bad as cheating. But he still did it. Obviously got no respect for my Mum either because aside from her telling him.off that time she been nothing but nice to him. Shes never hidden the fact that she thinks hes a pratt though 😂

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