Is he normal?

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Itsme
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Is he normal?

Post by Itsme » Thu Sep 26, 2019 8:48 pm

Hi I have a few problems with my bf. We have been together for around 1 and a half years and we live 60miles part. He has a 4 year old daughter and I have An 8 year old boy.
He is very jealous and hates me going out and questions me none stop when ever I do. Also has ago at me as I should be with him as we don’t see each othertht often( I go down every Tuesday night and have to be up for 5.30, I go down every other weekend when my boy is with his dad and spend weekend with him and his daughter Friday to Sunday)
I don’t go out often maybe once every two months. He is completely obsessed with seeing me and if he can’t then massive argument. He is constantly asking for pictures of me and constantly sex texting me. The second I walk through his door we have to have sex and another three times that evening. If I don’t send pics it’s because I don’t love him and don’t want him. Other day we fell out as I had my little boy for the weekend extra as his dad was away and he said it’s supposed to be his f- I got weekend with me and Iv gone and had my son! Yet he has his daughter every weekend. Plus my mum booked a weekend away for me and lad for Xmas but it happened to be on the day of his daughters birthdY he went ballistic and told me he had been to doctors and was ill may have cancer. He has since continued Thai and said I shouldn’t go out with my friend in couple of weeks as I should be with him supporting him so I don’t care about him and I don’t want him. He has only been to one doctors appointment and we know nothing as of yet( if it is even true)
He has gone on about it constantly saying I should cancel night out as his health comes first.
Another thing is his obsession with his daughter. He cries when she’s gone to her mums and sniffs her clothes. He sits on end of bed looking at her crying when she has a cold. He is completely obsessed. Is all this normal? Sorry for essay thanks

boulding
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Re: Is he normal?

Post by boulding » Thu Oct 03, 2019 8:39 am

Hi Itsme

No it's not normal and for the sake of your son and yourself you need to get out quick.

reckoner
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Re: Is he normal?

Post by reckoner » Thu Oct 03, 2019 10:56 am

Yes, I agree. It sounds like controlling and manipulative behaviour, which sounds normal for him, and so a huge red flag for you.

Your post includes only negative details about him and not a single reason why you want to stay with him, yet you seem to doubt yourself about whether or not you should be tolerating this behaviour. Your post suggests that your instinct is clear that you shouldn't, and provides me with no reason to disagree.
Itsme wrote:
Thu Sep 26, 2019 8:48 pm
Other day we fell out as I had my little boy for the weekend extra as his dad was away and he said it’s supposed to be his f- I got weekend with me and Iv gone and had my son!
It is telling that he expects you to put his needs before your own child. However much you doubt your concerns about this man, this is the one point on which you can be absolutely certain: your first priority is to your young child. If this relationship becomes more committed, for example you move closer to each other (and am I right to think that the expectation would be for you to move, not him?), you would effectively be inviting him into your family. Do you want to expose your child to the behaviour you have described?

His behaviour with his daughter suggests to me that his controlling behaviour towards you comes from a place of intense emotion and deep insecurity rather maliciousness. So I'm not suggesting that he is a bad person or that he is trying to hurt you deliberately: whether it's intentional or not is irrelevant, it's just not healthy and not something to expose either yourself or your daughter to.

With regard to his cancer scare, you can still offer to be there to support him, for example accompany him to an appointment with the doctor. If there is a chance that he's exaggerating the seriousness of his illness in order to manipulate you, as you've suggested, then he may be unwilling to have you accompany him so that he can control what you know and exert guilt over you.

Manipulative people prey on the self-doubt of people to control them. You can't afford to let this happen for the sake of your child as well as yourself.

Dave777
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Re: Is he normal?

Post by Dave777 » Thu Oct 03, 2019 8:08 pm

This guy is anything but normal just get out as soon as you can and ignore any sob stories about cancer scares, classic manipulation

SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988
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Re: Is he normal?

Post by SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 » Thu Oct 17, 2019 11:32 am

Hi

This is not normal, this is very controlling & manipulative behaviour. I myself have just left a relationship very similar. I would get out before it gets messy because people like this don't change.

It took me 2 years to get out, even though I knew I should, don't make the same mistake. Have a look at my previous posts, plenty of similarities in behaviour & advice also. You become the centre of their universe, they cant live without you etc, well guess what, my ex has already moved on and declaring his love.... Don't get me wrong it was difficult but the total relief I felt when I got out. The constant walking on eggshells has gone, constant feeling constantly anxious, The feeling terrible if you don't do what he wants as this meant "you don't love" or "respect" him.... this is bull****. The making you feel guilty about anything & everything so you back down.

I know this isn't about me but if you are feeling any of the things I felt then I would advise you get out. I have just found out the hard way at the weekend that these people will never be reasoned with. They believe their own lies.

The sex/sexting & constant photos sounds quite aggressive . Another way of controlling you to get his own way.

I would love to think he wouldn't make up or exaggerate a cancer, that would be a low blow but nothing would surprise me these days.

Yes he loves his daughter very much.... that is clear but the behaviour isn't healthy. I agree with reckoner on this one. He may not be doing it deliberately (I still don't think my ex did) but I realised that's just the way he is and wont ever change. You need to decide if you are willing to put up with living a life like this or find someone who can make you truly happy.

Go with your gut, I ignored mine way too long and it gets you nowhere.

So sorry if I sound harsh.

Really hope you figure out what you want to do x

Kimkim
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He lied

Post by Kimkim » Sun Oct 27, 2019 7:45 pm

Hi I have been with my bf nearly two years. We are 60 miles apart so can be difficult seeing each other but we manage it once to twice per week most of the time. We both have one child each.
He has never liked me going out he accuses me of cheating every time I go out but always says it’s because he wants me to spend time with him. About a month ago I went away with family for two days. But it was the same time as his child’s birthday party which I Apologised about many times. We didn’t speak for a couple of days after he said he’s not letting me hurt his daughter the way I hurt him. Anyway we didn’t speak for two days and he messaged me saying he had bad news. Turned out he had been to doctors who said he could have cancer. I tried to support him he pushed me away and wouldn’t let me come to appointments. He said if it’s bad news with the blood tests he won’t want me to go out Saturday coming. Anyway I went out and he was accusing me of cheating agains and my friend heard and said something to him. He the. Told me I need to choose between him and my fried . I refused to choose. Also told me he was sick blood and was going to a and e and refused to let me come. As time went on I decided I would surprise him and just turn up to doctors to support him but I called doctors and he didn’t have an appointment. I started to question all this. Eventually I asked about it and said I need proof to believe him. He got me a print off from doctors. I straight away noticed things like typing errors and that dates wrong ext. he kept making me feel so bad saying I’m not there for him he’s proved it and he can’t forgive me for not believing him. After hard work and looking into he has admitted he’s lied about it all. He is saying he loves me so much and he needs me I don’t know what to do I love him so much but also all the lies I just don’t know what to do I need help? Thanks

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