What to do now I'm leaving home

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What to do now I'm leaving home

Post by SillyMistakes » Tue Aug 20, 2019 11:07 am

I don't know what I'm looking for to be honest, I guess just some advice...

I've got a house lined up I should be moving to in the next few months, I'll be away from home properly, with my own quite nice space I can be proud of unlike others, and it's making me wonder about how I'll deal with the next step of my non-work life...

For the last few years I've been excelling in my career, I've taken on a lot of extra duties that honestly I spend a lot of time working from home to complete but that suits me because I get paid more than somebody whose never had a qualification other than experience should get paid, I know I've been lucky and that continuing to be as capable as I am will allow me to excel further than ever. I already get paid more than both my parents combined and I have less formal education than either of them.

My personal life is pretty good I think, I have friends, intellectual interests and hobbies, but I am fat and I know people find me less attractive than my teenage hedonistic self...

I struggle with personal sexual relationships, to start with I'm quite picky, hygiene seems to be a huge problem for the guys that are otherwise attractive and interested in me, and as pompous as it sounds, an an interest in things which I find interesting is lacking in others. I have a fair amount of confidence, I need it to maintain my position in my job, but I know I can come across as stubborn or patronizing, my friends often joke with me about it because I lecture them on what they should be doing with their savings, or their aversion to established medicine over homeopathy, or one of them, their inability to source-check the articles they read before talking about them as fact. I mean honestly I consider myself right in every instance but I do drop things eventually because I understand it's their life. But I feel this may be a big reason why it's difficult to be in a romantic relationship with me.

The next reason is a little more personal, I really struggle to treat people I meet for dates as... Well, as I'd treat my friends. Like people. I judge them on everything they do or say and make generalisations in my mind about what that means they're like and honestly it's almost wholly negative. I wasn't always like this, my last relationship I was head over heels in love with him, everything I ate around him tasted better, everything we did together was more fun and memorable, he broke up with me due to things I'll cover in the next paragraph, but I haven't really totally gotten over him which is embarrassing because it's been 5 years and in the grand scheme of things it wasn't a very long relationship, but then I've always been quite obsessive about certain guys if I'm honest. I kinda think the reason I disbelieve anything guys I date now tell me or judge them or think negatively about them is because I'm scared about becoming obsessive over them as I've done before, it's like in order to avoid one negative trait I've adopted another but I can see the positive traits I want but can't see the path to being like that.

The final reason I'm worried is sexual, quite honestly I was struggling with sex, a lot, I had to feel in control to maintain an erection, and in the end I gave up on sex in my actual dating life, and when that got... Hard to deal with I started paying for it so that I could satisfy my needs and feel in control without impacting a relationship or someone's opinion of me.

So, yeah, I feel like my life is not in a position to improve when I move out, I feel like I need to get it there, but physical and mental barriers are in the way. I don't really feel lonely, Im happy with my friends and my work and my life, I'm happy with the sex I pay for which is the best since I was a teenager, but when I look at the whole picture, I think I don't want to be 30 or 40 and carrying on this pattern. I don't want to be 60 and leering after 20 year old prostitutes, and I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. But how can I get out of the short term happiness for long term self-esteem with the difficulties I face... I don't know, I'm blstherong...

Any thoughts/opinions/advice etc is appreciated.

I'd rather if possible you didn't comment on how this relates to previous posts, I try to solve problems in certain ways and end up running into more, so I like to try to fix the ones that're relevant

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Re: What to do now I'm leaving home

Post by boulding » Mon Aug 26, 2019 4:55 pm

Hi Silly Mistakes

I think you are being a little bit hard on yourself and trying to analyse things into the middle of next week. If you've only just left home I'm assuming you're quite young (early twenties?) so surely you have time to relax and see how things pan out.

You seem to have a lot of awareness about your behaviour and attitude to others but it's shouldn't be a problem. It's quite possible to have one persona at work ie uncompromising and being "right" about everything and take a different approach to friends. ie let them believe in voodoo if they want to. It's no skin off your nose.

There's nothing really wrong with being "picky" or critical. After all we all make judgements all the time and it's often wise to do so. However if you measure everyone you meet up in terms of a life partner it will all be a bit fraught.

You have a good job. You are intelligent, articulate and sensitive so of course you will meet the right person eventually and then all the problems sexual and otherwise will fade away. The problem is you don't know if you will meet the right one in a fortnight's time or two or three years in the future so don't spoil your present life by over thinking everything.

Love the life you lead and let Fate take care of things.

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