Am I being unreasonable?

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Tarantula
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Am I being unreasonable?

Post by Tarantula » Sun Aug 11, 2019 5:09 pm

Hi all

I want some honest opinions on the subject of money.

My partner and I are at the very start of planning our wedding, despite being engaged since Christmas, but for a number of reasons haven't done anything (and if I don't bring it up, he won't). His family are now asking questions and we've said it'll happen next year.

First thing: venue. I found a suitable arrangement which covers all the points we agreed are ideal. It's renting a special tent. He agrees it looks good. It costs 4800 euros.

He says it's too much. After his mum offered to contribute €5000 towards all costs, he STILL said it's too much. There is no workable alternative so far, and he doesn't make any effort to find on unless I insist that we go out venue hunting.

He has about €120,000 in savings (the bulk of which was given to him by his parents), earns £2400 net per month, and doesn't pay rent or mortgage. He's therefore able to save around €1000 per month without really needing to think about it.

I have £15,000 in savings and earn about £18,000 per year, up and down, as I'm self-employed. I've offered to pay half of the venue fee. He still says no.

His point seems to be that it's not about how affordable it s for him/us, but that it's overpriced for what it is. I disagree. I see the value in it, so far there is no alternative which has all the things we want (despite us agreeing for him to take four weeks to find something - he did nothing in that time) and it allows us to get on with planning everything else, instead of rolling it back to 2021 (and we've already rolled it back one year, though not just for this reason).

His parents have weighed in saying that it's too much, but then again they live in a humungous 4-story house and spent €1500 on a sofa recently, so you know.

I feel really bad about it because I'm starting to feel like I'm some kind of crazy person who's not getting it. I'm also keenly aware, at every stage of this, of the absence of having my own family to support and contribute (I have zero family support, financially or otherwise). So I feel like the little guy trying to fight a losing battle, which it really shouldn't be. I'm exhausted and we've barely gotten started.

Dave777
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Post by Dave777 » Wed Aug 14, 2019 10:47 am

This guy sounds a good catch but is careful with his money, happiness is not how much you spend on a wedding, many couples just have a civil marriage, a party for friends and a long weekend away, others blow £20k plus. £4800 on a marquee might be good value but how much comes with it, catering, toilets, bar the price will escalate quickly.

Numbers, how many from your side and from his, write a list out, ask him who he wants, try not to be too unbalanced on numbers then choose a venue to suit numbers. Good luck and go with the flow.

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Tarantula
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Post by Tarantula » Wed Aug 14, 2019 11:49 am

Thanks Dave

I'm a bit calmer about it now. Just needed to vent. We are mostly on the same page with money, but I think the venue is worth splashing a bit out on, and we seem to be clashing on that.

I mean, I couldn't care less about 'nice tablecloths', fancy invites or any of that showy rubbish what some other people find value in. I got a simple dress made in Ethiopia for like 60 euros.

But the venue is important. We live in the countryside and want to make a paragliding entrance with our entourage of pilot friends :) - the venue has to be right for that, and a tent is ideal as it offers maximum location flexibility. Moments like that are, to me, worth a bit of extra spend, especially when we can easily afford it.

Thanks for replying. Pretty quiet on here nowadays, where is everyone??

reckoner
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Post by reckoner » Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:03 pm

Congratulations on your engagement!
Tarantula wrote:
Wed Aug 14, 2019 11:49 am
We live in the countryside and want to make a paragliding entrance with our entourage of pilot friends :)
Seriously?! Wow!

Can your fiancé give you a price that he does think is reasonable for the tent? Is there a chance that he doesn't like it as much as he says he does, but he knows your heart is set on it so he's using the price as an excuse to say no to it? I'm not saying I believe that - as Dave says, it's clear he is very careful with and values money (a quality you both seem to share, which is good).

I completely agree that the venue has to be right - but it has to be right for both of you. I think you should both have power of veto for any reason at all; unless you both give it the thumbs up, it's off the table. If he and his family were to go with it grudgingly, they'd be waiting for something to go wrong with it, subconsciously or otherwise, and you don't need that kind of tension on the day.

Because the entrance you're planning is supremely cool but also quite ambitious, rather than each of you dig heels in on the matter, can you use this as an opportunity to go over the specifics of your plan and make sure you're both on the same page regarding what's required? It may be that, after going over the plan again and exploring all the other options (together, as you said), that you circle back to this and he is better able to see its suitablilty for your plans to the same extent as you. The other possibility is that you find something even better.

Put any concerns about your lack of family support right out of your mind. There is a well-established tradition of families who have been absent from weddings. It's perhaps not how you would have dreamed it, but at least they won't be there to somehow spoil it for you. More importantly, I think it's to your enormous credit that you have accumulated the amount of savings you have on your income and put yourself in a position where you are able to contribute yourself to get your favourite options.

But I think it's all down to the art of compromise. If the tent is the best option for you both, he has to reach that conclusion for himself having weighed it up against all the options and requirements.

Yes, it is quiet on here these days. I don't know why, but I guess there's a lot more to compete with nowadays, both online and in 'real' life. I'm mindlessly optimistic that it'll pick up. Even if it doesn't, us admins aren't going anywhere, even if it takes us a bit longer to respond. Always nice to hear from you, and great to have new contributing members (thanks Dave!).

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