Newly married but little to no intimacy

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mrlee2000
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Newly married but little to no intimacy

Post by mrlee2000 » Thu Apr 25, 2019 3:01 am

Not sure where to start but here goes...
Im a newly married man, but my wife is reluctant to have sex or have any intimacy. We were married last July and on discovering that i use viagra that coupled with a disastrous month of sex, due to coming too early ( Which is not a prob i usually suffer with). This prob of coming too early was further compounded by the fact, she was getting moody about sex that in turn led me to not perform. My emotions have an effect on my performances, if i perceive that shes not into it, or giving me sex because she feels she has to, then im likely not to peform well so its a vicious circle. She has said that my lack of performance has upset her and made her feel heartbroken, however this was around 9 months ago and we are still experiencing the same problem. She doesn't seem able to get over the stint of my bad performance, now if i ask for sex i either get a no or no answer, which i perceive as a no, however she says that no answer doesn't mean no. When in bed and i try to initiate sex she usually does because she feels she has to. She denys not giving me sex, but for me her just lying there and not putting much effort in is as good as denying sex that coupled with no's or no answers is destroying our marriage. She has said in the past she needs time to get back to normal but i feel its been too long. The one time she initated sex and was really into it , i didn't have any performance issues.

Thanks for reading any advice will be gratefully appreciated

Update

So this happened a couple of days ago. After all the problems we have re sex i thought i would leave it for a while. 2 nights ago my wife got out of bed i went to the front room, i asked the following day what happened thinking she couldn't sleep and didnt want to disturb me and she said it feels like we're brother and sister not a couple, so I said ok we will have sex tonight then, so fast forward to when i finish work and i get in bed and join her only for my advances to be knocked back.
Last edited by mrlee2000 on Fri May 17, 2019 1:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

boulding
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Re: Newly married but little to no intimacy

Post by boulding » Thu May 02, 2019 10:06 am

Hi Mr Lee

I’m sorry to hear that you are experiencing difficulties so early in your marriage – you are newly weds and this should be a happy time in your lives.
Please don’t be offended but you do sound a just little bit like an unreconstructed Neanderthal. Surely you can’t believe that a marriage revolves around someone “asking” for sex and getting a yes or no answer and you can’t seriously believe your wife is “heartbroken” over a few initial sexual performance issues. Isn’t it more likely that she’s heartbroken because the lovely man she married has turned out to be an insensitive clot. You say she is “moody” as though this is something that has dropped out the sky. Isn’t it more likely that instead of “moody” she is just plain “upset” at the lack of romance or emotional bond between you both.
You say you don’t usually have any sexual performance issues but why on earth would a doctor prescribe you Viagra? It just doesn’t make sense unless of course you were stupid enough to self prescribe and buy on the internet.
The only way you can find out what’s wrong in your marriage and to try to resolve the problems is to communicate. Try to see your wife’s point of view and understand her feelings. You might want to try talking about something other than sex.
So get talking and the very best of luck.

mrlee2000
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Re: Newly married but little to no intimacy

Post by mrlee2000 » Fri May 03, 2019 8:13 am

Thank you Boulding for your reply.
Just to clarify i dont demand sex, i do know that marriage isnt just about sex thats kinda obvious. Her own words that she felt heartbroken not mine due to the peroid of lack of performance and ever since sex has become a touchy subject.

reckoner
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Re: Newly married but little to no intimacy

Post by reckoner » Sat May 04, 2019 1:45 pm

Hi Mr Lee,

boulding's post didn't say that you demand sex; I think her point is that asking for sex is not romantic and unlikely to put your wife in the mood for it.

For example, at the beginning of a relationship, you wouldn't just ask the other person for sex. You'd probably spend a lot of time trying to create an atmosphere that is conducive to intimacy and wait patiently for the time when the other person wants to have sex with you (and thus be enthusiastic in the way that helps you perform).

Now that you're married, simply asking her for sex suggests you're not interested in making her want to have sex anymore, it's more like: I'm in the mood > Will you? > Yes/No? So I have to agree with boulding that you might come across as insensitive to your wife. If you don't try to arouse her, she's unlikely to feel aroused.

As boulding said,
boulding wrote:
Thu May 02, 2019 10:06 am
The only way you can find out what’s wrong in your marriage and to try to resolve the problems is to communicate. Try to see your wife’s point of view and understand her feelings.
because to be close physically, you first need to feel close emotionally.

For example, one thing I wondered was, when she found out you were taking Viagra, if she worried that you were taking it because she doesn't arouse you naturally, and this concern was compounded by your performance issues. So perhaps her heartbreak is to do with the insecurity she feels as a result of your taking Viagra and having performance problems rather than the performance problems themselves. I think this is the kind of thing you need to learn her feelings on.

But this is quite a heavy topic that you both might feel awkward and defensive about until you feel confident in each other so, again as boulding says, talking about non-sex matters is a good way to open the lines of communication.

Best of luck.

mrlee2000
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Re: Newly married but little to no intimacy

Post by mrlee2000 » Sun May 05, 2019 4:50 pm

Thank you reckoner

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