Boyfriend loves drugs...

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Cherry_123
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Joined: Mon Apr 08, 2019 8:30 pm
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Boyfriend loves drugs...

Post by Cherry_123 » Mon Apr 08, 2019 9:09 pm

Hi All,

I am currently in a tricky situation, and don't know the best solution for it so would love some advice.

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years, and we have constantly been arguing about silly things. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, so I have a constant battle with that, and on top of that I have a boyfriend who will not change his ways.

I have full respect that everyone is entitled to do what they want with themselves, and so when it came to trying to understand why my boyfriend loves drugs (mostly cocaine), I found it rather difficult. In the past, I have been in a relationship where I was constantly looking after my ex when he was on MDMA, and looking after him the next day when he was crying because he was on a 'comedown'. He then left me because he got depressed and said it was my fault. So I feel my attitude towards drugs in relationships stems back from this.

But once again, I have fallen for another man with love for drugs. I personally feel sick when he tells me he took something on a night out, or that he loves cocaine. But, I brushed it under the carpet because despite our arguments and differences to drugs, he is a loving, very thoughtful man who has done a lot for me. So recently I discussed with him that it is about time we think about moving in together because we are both at the stage where we can't keep texting everyday, and planning every week when we are going to see each other. Plus, I am 23 and he is 28 so we are old enough to have that responsibility.

He seemed over the moon that I finally asked. But the first question he said was.... 'So, this does mean though that I can have my uni mates over once a month, and invite my mates over for parties and BBQ's, and of course there will be loads of drugs..'. This made my chest hurt. We went from something so exiting and positive, to him only thinking about one thing.. cocaine.

A couple days have passed since this conversation and he knows how i feel about it, but he is quite stubborn, and will not listen to what I want in this situation. I now don't know whether it is worth wasting part of my life with someone who isn't going to change, will constantly lie behind my back that he hasn't taken anything, and to live in a drug party house!

It makes me feel boring, and feel like a stereotyped clingy 'you aren't allowed to do anything' girlfriend. But the thought of him snorting something up his nose, and being so coked up he becomes an asshole is not what I want to see or be around, and frankly puts me off him. He said he wants a family and to settle down, stop partying and doing drugs at 30, but I don't believe that for a fact. I feel I got the 'getting wasted' bit out of my system at uni, but he seems to keep wanting to carry on.

What do I do?

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Tarantula
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Re: Boyfriend loves drugs...

Post by Tarantula » Tue Apr 09, 2019 8:04 am

I think this isn't going to work out.

I think you'll keep going back and forth in your mind about it, bring it up with him, get shut down, make excuses for his poor behaviour, write on a different forum about the same thing, tear your hair out some more, convince yourself that it's not so bad, realise how bad it is, argue again, worry that you won't find someone as thoughtful/cool/high status/whatever as him, try to get a return on your investment in him, become crazier and worn down from all the inner conflict, become more depressed, hold on because by now your friends don't take you seriously when you talk about leaving him anymore, EVENTUALLY break up in about a year from now and wish you hadn't wasted so much time ignoring your own inner wisdom, which knew almost from the start, and definitely knows at this point, that he isn't going to change for you.

We've all been there at 23. :oops:

You can skip all that, but it involves recognising that you have a choice here. That means, you can't be a victim anymore. You know how things are, you have all the facts of the situation to make a decision. If you carry on beyond this point, he's to blame for not being as you'd hoped, but you're also responsible, for choosing to stay despite your better judgement.

Find someone who supports and builds you up in life, not someone who's okay sometimes but ultimately chooses drugs over you. You don't need more stresses; your mental health is at stake here. There are good, reliable, kind men out there... but I suspect they don't interest you. Why is that?

It's not a coincidence that you find yourself in the same situation again.

So in the short term I would say, it's time to go. But that's not enough if all you end up doing is repeating the same dynamic with someone else. You need to get a grasp on what's driving your selection in men. These are choices you are making, and you're responsible for unpicking the true reasons, and hopefully resolving them so that an emotionally available, loving, good, drug-free men doesn't just end up in the friend zone.

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