took a loan behind my back

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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby snail » Tue Mar 27, 2018 11:29 am

David020549 wrote: you and the kids much worse off.

I think this member's children are grown up and independent, so that is one thing she won't have to worry about.
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby lena12 » Tue Mar 27, 2018 12:47 pm

We are renting privately and he pays all the bills. the kids are all at uni but one will be home for summer. no i dont work so have no income of my own nor am i getting any benefits.
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby peecee » Tue Mar 27, 2018 12:54 pm

Have you been in touch with Citizens Advice Bureau? They can advise you on your options and point you in the right direction; check this link.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/famil ... ationship/
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby David020549 » Tue Mar 27, 2018 8:35 pm

Lena

You definitely need to visit the CAB, the first question they will ask is "why aren't you working" and the council will ask the same question, so unless you have some disability and cannot work your life is going to change dramatically. To get benefit you have to take any job offered, cleaning, care work, shelf stacking, shift work too, all at minimum wage, your life might just change from comfortable unhappy to very uncomfortable and very unhappy, the benefit a woman gets without resident kids is meagre indeed.

If you live in rented housing you will get very little from your husband the only bright side is that the divorce will be cheap - there will be little to argue about.

I suggest for the time being, say a year or so don't leave, GET A JOB. You are sitting at home worrying about your husbands imperfections, we all have them, myself included, porn and loans are pretty much normal these days. Work will enable you to save cash of your own and get some other life away from home, your husband must love you a great deal because if he had designs on any other woman you would already be out!.
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby lena12 » Mon May 14, 2018 1:18 pm

we went to marriage counselling and thought i would try to work at it. things were getting a tiny bit better for us then i found face book on his phone on google bookmarks. he denied he as looked at it and said he isn't looking for someone from in his past or up to anything. i never bother with it as i don't see the point and he as always told me he isn't interested in it. he said he doesn't know how it got there. there were other things listed on the bookmarks page like ebay, the bbc, wikipedia. so doesn't that mean he as listed them to go back to them when he wants to and as looked at them and that's why facebook is there as well?. there was also a message from twitter to say, share a link on Twitter. he said he isn't on this and it doesn't mean anything and that he will be proved right. before i found this yesterday i had said to him a few days before about having sex that night. this was on Wednesday and he said he had already had it that day. at the time he was putting pictures on my phone and he said he wasn't thinking what he was saying and he meant was he would be having it the first time with me that night. i shouted at him said i hope he is lying i started accusing him and he just sat there after a bit he got up and threw his cup on the floor denying he is doing anything. i think hes lying. he keeps denying he is cheating. its making me so insane i cant do this anymore and i don't know how to escape from all this. i want to be independent and i want to be in control of my life at the moment its just a complete and utter mess. i've been crying my eyes out how i let my life get this way. i feel so trapped and helpless. i don't have one person i can turn to for support or help in anyway and i really don't feel like carrying on with life but i know i must for my kids even thou they have there own lives now. i just want to pack my bags on this life and leave. its all my own fault not having money. i had £10.000 last year and i didn't save a penny of it now it i had i could have some independence. its true my life will be like this forever unless i change it i just dont know where to begin and i really want to get myself out of this mess with him and begin a new chapter in my life. i don't know what its like to be happy anymore. i told him i want us to separate he said ok but i will have to wait until he gets paid. i assume he will move out. i also said i wasn't happy and he isn't and he doesn't say anything and i know its because he is as miserable as me.
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby Tarantula » Tue May 15, 2018 6:48 pm

What's wrong with him being on facebook?

You cannot police him 24/7. It doesn't matter how much you play detective, if he's gonna cheat, there's not really much you can do about it. So give yourself a break from all the stressful snooping.

It's clear to me that this relationship is dead and you need to find a job and move on.
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby snail » Tue May 15, 2018 6:55 pm

I'm really impressed that you went to marriage counselling; that must have been a hard thing to sort out, and very stressful to do as well. It's interesting and admirable that he went with you - he must be very committed to making things better, for him to do that?

With regard to things like Facebook being pre-loaded on his phone, this is totally plausible - on the last computer I bought, Facebook, Youtube, Ebay etc were all pre-loaded as bookmarks. I think you're looking for reasons to doubt him, perhaps because you want to believe he's done wrong, because it's easier than admitting that you want to separate from him for your own reasons. But you don't need a reason - if you don't want to be with him any more that's your right.

There's no point in regretting spending that £10 000 last year - yes of course it's better to save, but when you're unhappy you want to treat yourself, and I expect it was the first time in a while you'd been able to. With regard to practical things, have you been able to look for a job at all? Part-time would probably be enough to give you independence. I can't remember the exact situation with your kids - could you stay with one of them at all?

I would continue to go to the counselling if you can, even if it's on your own - it won't make things worse and at the very least it will be somewhere you can talk to another person about how you feel.
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby lena12 » Tue May 22, 2018 12:54 am

My children are grown up and live away at the moment sharing with others because they are all at uni so i cant stay with them. it would be lovely to have somewhere to go and not come back and get away from him. i wished i had saved some money and i blame myself. i know i need to get my confidence back get out of this rut im in and get myself a better life for me. i never thought my life would turn out like this being so unhappy and i feel i'm not destined to have a good life. i found out today that his boss had said to him about a phone call that he received in the office on Friday. he said it was a woman who had the same accent as me. he told my husband the woman had asked for him and his boss had told her that he wasn't office based. i do not know who this woman was and it was not me who his boss thinks it was. last year when i was drunk i rang his boss when my husband was having a night away with him and some other work colleagues. i told his boss that i thought my husband was cheating with the office woman and i cant recall what else i said but i heard my husband say to his boss to put the phone down. my husband started the job he is in 4 years ago. he had been there 6 months and i was in the car with him and i swear i hear this office woman say because she rung him up, don't forget to get me a present. it was near Christmas time. he said she didn't say this and said, don't forget to get your wife a present. he said i over heard a conversation and it wasn't at Christmas time. so if it wasn't near Christmas time why would she say to get a present. that's why i remember it was near Christmas because we were waiting for his money to go in to buy gifts. his boss doesn't know this is the reason i think my husband as cheated with her. there was a receipt for 2 bottles of perfume and only one was in the bag because i looked without him knowing. he said he didn't give her any perfume and it was in the bag all along but it wasn't. i asked him why he as never told his boss what i heard her say on the phone in the car when i was with him and he said if he knows i was with him in the car on a work day he would be wondering why. i said well it was nearly Christmas and he denies it was and said it wasn't. now he only told me his boss had rung up today to tell him about this woman calling the office because i had started on him earlier this morning and he thought i had rung the office to speak to this office woman. i have never rung to speak to her but i have wanted to so many times and ask her if she is or as cheated with my husband. if i do he will lose his job, this house will go and her husband might leave her. i have stopped myself due to listening to my husband because he as denied anything as gone on and maybe because i haven't a place to go, if i did i probably would of rung her by now. whoever this other woman is that rung the office to ask for my husband i do not know. he said to just leave it and he believes i didn't call the office but i said i want to know who she is. he denies he is cheating or knows her and it isn't anyone from his past trying to get back with him and if it was he would tell them where to go. i told him to record the conversation with his boss and so i can hear about this woman and what she wants him for. he doesn't want to ask his boss but i don't want to be accused of calling the office when i haven't and looking like i'm some kind of mad woman. i want his boss to know it wasn't me and i want to know who this woman is. am i right or wrong.
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby lena12 » Tue May 22, 2018 12:18 pm

Also to add he said he wouldn't know if to tell me if a ex got intouch with him. So if one of them did would he be meeting her and catching up on old times and be cheating behind my back, why else not tell me. He said would I tell him if a ex got intouch I said I would tell him so he would know nothing is going on and I would want nothing to do with them.
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby Tarantula » Tue May 22, 2018 12:43 pm

You need to stop being a victim and take charge of your life.

Seriously, there's no need for more details on how dysfunctional your relationship is. We get it. The question is... what are you going to do about it?
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby lena12 » Tue May 22, 2018 2:46 pm

Tarantula it's nice to get it off my chest actually because we stopped going to see the counsellor a while back and its nice to get other people's opinions. Yes the relationship is certainly dysfunctional. Tell me if you were me and he had said all the stuff what he said and saying he might not tell me if a ex contacted him what would you do. He keeps saying I will be proved wrong and he wants a apology when I realise I have destroyed this relationship
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby Tarantula » Tue May 22, 2018 6:16 pm

Well, it's easy to say, but... if I were you, I would leave him and rebuild my life.

It doesn't matter what he said she said they said. It doesn't matter about right and wrong. It doesn't matter what he thinks, what I think, or what anyone thinks.

All that matters is that time is slowly ticking by... and you're still in the same situation. It's time you can never get back.

Yes, it is nice to get things off your chest... and once that's done, then it's time for action.

How much more getting off your chest do you need? Serious question. Five more posts? Twenty?

However much it is, do that, and then focus on building a strategy for how you're going to change this situation. Otherwise it's just endless complaining, right?

You've got to stop caring about the petty details and start caring about where your life is going. If you need to post on here about the petty details IN ORDER TO get to that point, then ok, go for it. But when it's done, it's done, and the page has to be turned.
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby lena12 » Tue May 22, 2018 11:36 pm

Ok tarantula I hear you loud and clear. It's a wake up call toget my s.. t together and think about me only and what I want and where I want to be. I once got told when I lived abroad to start thinking about me and trouble is with having 3 kids even though they are all grown up and done really well I still think about them and don't want to ruin there lives about the problems with him and me. I think my daughter would say, you should of divorced years ago like she once told us to. Like you said the clocks ticking so here's to changing my life and getting what I want from it instead of going round in circles day in day out. You didn't answer my question and that is he didn't know if he would tell me if his ex had been intouch. To me that's cheating and he would cheat behind my back. So by keeping the wife out of it if proves he is a lying scumbag and not worth p..... g on if on fire.
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Re: took a loan behind my back

Postby Tarantula » Wed May 23, 2018 8:33 am

I did answer your question. You asked what I would do if.... and I said, I would leave. Not just because of that one detail, but because of the boat load of reasons and events - the whole picture.

Good, that sounds better. Now we're talking! I'm sure your adult children just want you both to be happy, and it seems your daughter already knows that the best way for that to happen is by divorcing and going your own separate ways.

What can you do today to take steps in the right direction?
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