No fun in my relationship

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No fun in my relationship

Postby Boomer1233 » Wed Apr 04, 2018 8:43 am

Hi all. I have a problem eating away at me. I have a wonderful family Lovely kids the youngest 4 I’ve worked hard run a decent business we own a nice house nice car etc everyone gets everything they want from me.including my wife .Problem is I’m starting to recent her and my life . She doesn’t interact with me or the kids I work all week and then weekends when the weekend comes she wallows in bed until mid day and when sh gets up she’ll avoid us whilst I’m left to entertain on my own often taking them swimming beach etc. I love my kids but I’m becoming quite lonely my wife will not go out with me share a drink a movie or have sex with me . She told me she just doesn’t like sex and I won’t make someone do something they don’t want to do and if I ask to go out it ends in a row.im 33 she’s 27. Sometimes I tell my self I should be great full of what I got but is this wot being a dad is sapposed to be like?
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Re: No fun in my relationship

Postby stephie2 » Wed Apr 04, 2018 10:00 am

I think that you need to tell her how you feel. Tell her that you feel neglected and that you need some time and attention too. Life sometimes does become boring and dull but it is down to you both to keep putting the effort in or else it will never work.

Try having a chat to her and get her to open up about her feelings too. It sounds like there are a few issues for both of you that need to be discussed.
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Re: No fun in my relationship

Postby Boomer1233 » Wed Apr 04, 2018 10:21 am

Thanks stephie, we’ve been over this time and again she gets defensive and says don’t start this again. She won’t change it’s been going on for years I’m just struggling to be content with the situation. I mean how ungrateful could I be attractive with fe lovely house thriving business I’m smart good looking fit and healthy. Some people would love to have wot I have. But if she doesn’t want to go out with me or share a drink or time together there’s no point in making her because it will be false forced and she’s told me point blank she doesn’t want to.she also doesn’t like doing the family things like each and walks bike rides. Again point blank refused .
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Re: No fun in my relationship

Postby boulding » Wed Apr 04, 2018 3:38 pm

hi

On first reading your post it seems your wife is a selfish monster and you are a saint for putting up with it but there just has to be a back story here. You say you are comfortably off so she's not exactly worn down by drudgery so something has happened to make her disillusioned and hurt to the point where she disengages from her own family.

Usually its a really bad idea to bring another person in but I wonder if there is a close family member or friend who won't take sides but that you could trust enough to confide in and who could perhaps give a perspective on the family dynamics. There has to be something here that you are just not seeing.

You say you have tried to discuss things with your wife but have got nowhere so it seems you now have to take a firmer line not just for your own sake but for the sake of your children. It is not fair on them to have a mother who distances herself from you all. Tell her that you have organised a babysitter and that you want the two of you to go out for a drink as you need to discuss family business with her. If you are on neutral territory it will be more difficult for her to fob you off. Just tell her calmly how you feel and ask her why she is rejecting family life.
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Re: No fun in my relationship

Postby reckoner » Thu Apr 05, 2018 12:35 am

It does sound like a bleak picture. Not wanting to get out of bed sounds like a lack of enthusiasm for life suggesting that your wife's not happy, as comfortable as your life together is, either. You don't mention what role she currently has - if she's working or has been a full-time mother. If it's the latter, perhaps she is struggling to understand her role now the kids are growing more independent. She's still young at 27, do you know what aspirations she may have for herself for the future?

Do you think she might be depressed? I think people tend to experience the symptoms of feeling down or depressed before understanding the cause so maybe you can gently explore with her what's behind her lack of enthusiasm. Maybe you can join her at her level, as it were, and make breakfast in bed for her one weekend as a way to achieve some intimacy to encourage her to open up.

That you described it as wallowing shows you are understandably frustrated but I don't think it's going to help you find out what's wrong. If you let your resentment show through, I think she'll just shut down further so you'd need to go into it with a mind to be the most patient and compassionate you possibly can be, even if you don't feel it.
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Re: No fun in my relationship

Postby David020549 » Thu Apr 05, 2018 7:14 am

Maybe she is depressed for some reason, if she is generally down and lethargic all the time with no will to do anything, it is probably general depression, try and get her to go to her GP to get help. If she refuses point blank and it is only you that she is "off" with there is something else happening, does she suspect you of having an affair?, if that does not apply, maybe she is having an affair.

Assuming she is not depressed a 27 yr old woman in reasonable physical health would normally have a strong sex drive, if you are not benefiting maybe someone else is, could she have a boyfriend that she is seeing during the week, while the kids are at school or maybe an evening out without you. Don't assume it's a boyfriend, has she got a girlfriend she spends a lot of time with, it's less likely but F/F affairs do happen.

Whatever the reason, if she is rejecting you continually the marriage is not going to last long, divorce is looming so prepare yourself for that.
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Re: No fun in my relationship

Postby stephie2 » Thu Apr 05, 2018 8:31 am

I think everyone is being quick to judge her saying she might be having an affair. This could purely be some kind of depression that is going on and nothing to do with her sex life. I would imagine if she is suffering from depression, going out and sleeping with someone is hardly going to be high up on her list of things to do.
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Re: No fun in my relationship

Postby Boomer1233 » Thu Apr 05, 2018 9:15 am

Hi all thanks for th replies , just to clear up a few points there’s always so much to these things I couldn’t write it all just the main points. Yes she works weekends in a restaurant 4 to 10 this is her reason for staying in bed when we argue then when she does get up she’ll spend the next 3 hrs doing hair and make up . Which again within the arguments I’ve asked about an affair because she goes to such great afforts for work and doesn’t for me. And yes she’s admitted to depression and anxiety again I’ve asked her to see a doctor again she will not and will not take any medication .and yes I’ve bought in a family member which caused a massive family rift apparently she’s behaved like this before with an ex. And the family member confronted her about an affair. She then told them and me every thing was lies and didn’t speak to them .
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Re: No fun in my relationship

Postby David020549 » Fri Apr 06, 2018 7:16 am

No surprises that family getting involved was not helpful, family relationships are fragile at the best of times and personal issues are taboo. As your wife's problem has occurred before, any depression is a symptom not the cause, we can only speculate what that might have been, some kind of neglect or abuse when she was young is probable, someone in her family will know the cause but wether they will tell you is doubtful.

When she was young, a teen maybe, it's likely that a doctors help was sought and she was treated then for depression which she hated, did nothing to help and made her feel awful, that would account for refusal to get help now. Girls are very sensitive to any kind of emotional or physical abuse and that affects their whole life they just cannot get it out of their head. Boys on the other hand more often exhibit violence and criminal behavior, both are prone to self harming.

Because of the children you have to stay with her and make sure they are safe and protected from any neglect, sorry but it is not going to be " fun" more a labour of love, you should be very tolerant and don't argue with her, the weekend job is probably escapism, her only chance to get away from her issues. If you google Personality Disorder, depression and abuse I'm sure you will find a lot of information that will help you understand her problem.

Maybe others on this forum will give more insight
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Re: No fun in my relationship

Postby boulding » Sat Apr 07, 2018 1:15 pm

This really isn't fair on you. You live a life without warmth, affection or companionship (let alone sex) from your wife and undoubtedly you have a sense of rejection.

Presumably everything was fine when you first married so something has triggered this situation. You need to take positive action for your sake and for the sake of the children as its not the best thing for them to grow up in an unhappy household. You need to organise some relationship counselling. There is probably no hope that that she will go with you but if she sees you going every week she will realise that things are wrong in the marriage and you are taking the problems seriously. Also if you can relay to someone impartial what's happening in the household on a weekly basis over a period of time it will provide some insight into the situation. At the moment there are more questions than answers.

If you haven't already done so take the children for a meal at the restaurant where she works. There's no real evidence she's having an affair but it wouldn't hurt to send a clear message to her and her co-workers that she's a married women with children. If she doesn't like it, it doesn't really matter.

Of course you need to be kind and understanding of your rather troubled wife but this doesn't mean you have to pussyfoot around her to avoid a row. I think if you stand up to her a bit it might just cross her mind that she doesn't want to lose a good provider and she might be prepared to meet you halfway to sort out the problems.

Good Luck
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Re: No fun in my relationship

Postby stephie2 » Mon Apr 09, 2018 8:24 am

Totally agree boulding, great advice :)
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Re: No fun in my relationship

Postby reckoner » Mon Apr 09, 2018 10:04 am

If she's working front of house in a restaurant, then it will be important that she's presentable and in good spirits at work. Three hours does obviously sound like a lot, but I think makeup can be as much to do with concealing and assisting with self-esteem as it is to do with glamourising. So if this has been the biggest piece of evidence of her cheating, and if she wasn't, then she'd have every reason to feel victimised and angry.

If you accuse your partner of cheating, you are telling them that you don't trust them and effectively burning a bridge, so it has to be on very strong evidence indeed. If she hasn't been cheating, it leaves her in a situation where she might wonder what the point in being faithful is. So if you're wrong, she'll have had her reputation dragged through the mud, in front of third parties, and knows she is on her own. From that point of view, I almost hope she has been cheating, because if she hasn't, she must be absolutely livid.

As a lot of stones have already been thrown and the atmosphere is already bad, maybe you can suggest, after all that has happened and been said, that you come together for a sort of truth and reconciliation meeting, perhaps with the help of a professional mediator as suggested. I think you need to understand the bottom lines: if she has been cheating, does she want to stop and reconcile with you? If she does, would you be able to forgive her? And if she hasn't been cheating, can she forgive you?
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Re: No fun in my relationship

Postby David020549 » Tue Apr 10, 2018 7:03 am

You have tried to be positive encourage your wife not to stay in bed late at weekends and it only leads to an argument and has not changed her, so let her lie and take the kids out for the day. It has been suggested that you take the kids to the restaurant she works unexpectedly, NO, don't do that, by all means discretely check it out and wether she does work there both days. Hopefully everything is above board but there are many other possibilities and if you turn up with the kids to give mummy a surprise it might go horribly wrong.

Don't discount an affair but she is very troubled, because of that her reaction to you leaving is going to be very unpredictable. Most women would want custody of the kids, there is no point contesting that unless she is really out of control but she might leave them with you!. Worst of all she keeps them and cannot cope and they end up in care, best option for now is try to understand what is happening and why.
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Re: No fun in my relationship

Postby stephie2 » Tue Apr 10, 2018 9:10 am

I think you have to let her know how serious you think this is and tell her that things must be discussed or your relationship will be in serious trouble. Make her see that this is something that is not going to go away without discussion.
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