his job coming between us

[jo marie]

This is a long one so i hope you dont mind. my husband is a saleman and done this job for the past 10 years. he as stayed away for training over the past 10 years going away for two or three times ayear up and down the country and even went abroad. everytime he as to go away i start on him because i get jealous and im left to look after the kids. he says he hates having to go away because he sees what it does to me and how im not happy with it.

i know he would be happy if i was one of those wives who dont mind there partners going away but i cant be, i wished i was. he is a way at the moment and he only told me 3 days before he was due to go because he said he was scared to tell me. before i knew he was going away we had got some tax money back and i said we should get away for the night and he agreed but he hadnt said nothing about us getting away before i mentioned it. what hurts me is that he knew he was going to be away with work and he hadnt told me this and he had known a good week before hand but said nothing then he sent me a text saying that we should go away for the weekend because he was going to be staying away himself and i felt really angry because i knew he had only said for us to go away because he was going and because he had not told me about him going away.

not once as he ever said that we should get away or need a break, its always me and i feel like he just wants to work all the time. we havent had a break for 7 months and that was only for 3 days or not even had a holiday in the past 7 years. i really need one. i have suffered with quite bad depression the past year feel im heading for a break down. the last night out we had was 3 months ago and ive had enought of it all.

another thing he didnt tell me about was that he was supposed to have a week off work and when i asked if he had got the time off he looked me in the eyes and said he had. i was wondering why his phone was still ringing instead of being switched to voicemail and then i found out he had lied to me because and didnt have the time off but didnt want to tell me because he said he had cocked up and said he was just going to pretend he was off and not say anything to me but because i kepted asking why his phone was still ringing thats why he told me. now i cant trust him and i feel i dont know him anymore.

he said to me before he went away afew days ago that i want to destroy his life because i feel he as destroyed mine and he is right. when we have argued in the past i sent some emails to his family to tell them what hes like and how hes treated me. i know i shouldnt have but i was so angry and upset. i feel like i am destroying his life because he wants to get on and do his job and provide for his family and said all i do is try and stop him because he as to stay away which i dont like.

i have always looked after the kids and only been away from them 2 days in all these years as they are teenagers now and the last time i spent away from him was two and a half years ago which was 1 night at my sisters wheres he as had 6 days away from me and the kids in the past 8 months and thinks thats ok. he said that i have stayed away from him and i said yes at my sisters not nice hotels like you or for afew days at at time.

he said to me that i should of put the kids in nursery when they were born and gone out to work but i didnt want someone else looking after my kids and i enjoyed being there for them and being with them. i think he would have respect for me if i had done that wheres i think i have done the hardest job out of both of us bringing them up while he got on with his career.

im thinking maybe we should split. he said may be if we seperate for 6 months we might find things better but if we did i couldnt see myself going back to him because i wouldnt trust him to not go with someone else behind my back as he as texted other women behind my back and maybe even more. i worry for the children if we split but i want to be happy and i havent been for a long time and now after all this i just feel i want out.

[Sussexlady]

I have read your posting very carefully, and twice.

I would never say this lightly, and would rarely ever say this at all, but I think splitting up is genuinely the very best thing you could possibly do. Accept the six months break, grab it with both hands.

Why am I so convinced this is the only way/ You've been together for a very, very long time, and yet the relationship is nothing but utter mess and misery. It is overshadowed 24/7 by such massive resentment, lack of any sympathy or understanding, and by lies. I genuinely believe that, if you haven't got into a decent sort of rub-along after two decades, then there really is no hope whatsoever. You're wasting your lives, both of you, when you could be happier with other partners after a suitable break to sort yourselves out, of course!

You'd certainly be better off without him. I'm sure there's no love left here, you seem to be together out of habit, and out of fear of the unknown life you'd have apart.

Jeez, life is too short. There could be a wonderful man out there for you; give yourself 6 months apart and I bet you won't even want him back.

[Jo]

Hi Jo Marie - this post seems really familiar - have you posted it before under a different name?

[jo marie]

Hi jo and sussexlady, yes jo i did put this on a while back but cannot remember my other login name i used so wrote it all out again. sussexlady is it all my fault because of the way i have been with him and not understanding that he as to stay away for his job or because we dont go out and stay away ourselves and im taken for granted? thats why you think it would be best if we split up for 6 months or even forever and better of without him. i still love him but i admit i have often thought if i would be better off without him but i am scared to be by myself and think thats why i might of stayed all this time. i am sick of him not telling me things and him lying to me as well. do you think i have destroyed his life? is he selfish for not thinking of me by not taking me out and only thinking of himself? he as just got back 10 minutes ago, it is now 10.25pm and i am really annoyed. what makes me mad is that its a friday night and he should be home to take over from me as i have looked after the kids for the past few days and really fed up and low and in need of a break from the kids and house and yet getting home at this hour is annoying and i am thinking of emailing his boss to tell him that he should of been home 5 hours ago as what if he was a weekend dad and had to take the kids for the weekend yet doesnt get home til this hour. i just feel like a fool and getting walked on but i am convinced now that i have to get out of this marriage as its stupid and im takeken for granted and i want out. should i email his boss and tell him that hes a father and should of been home earlier. its all as if i was going away myself for the weekend or out the night yet i have to wait in for him to get back like i should always be around for him to carry on with his life but forget mine.

Edited for swearing - don't forget, kids visit PP too.

Peecee

[whoopsie]

No. Don't email his boss. How much hassle was it when you emailed his family?

Maybe he's lying and keeping things from you because he knows you don't agree with his working hours so is trying to keep you and his work happy. Sounds like he's stuck between a rock and a hard place. It must be hard for him, working all these hours, knowing how much you hate it, and I guess he's missed a bit of his children growing up due to this? The poor guy must be exhausted.

I think it is imperitive that you two spend some decnt quality time together. You need to explain to him how you feel, in a calm way. Let him vent his frustrations too. Is it possible for him to cut down his hours? Or maybe one or two nights a week, he makes sure he's home by 5 for example so you can all sit down as a family and have a meal together.

I don't think you should split up. You can work on this. It's just going to take time and effort.

[snail]

i am convinced now that i have to get out of this marriage as its stupid and im takeken for granted and i want out.

It's fair enough to leave for relationship-related reasons but if you're considering leaving for practical reasons remember that day-to-day life will be much harder on your own. You and your husband will have to keep two establishments, which means more financial commitments, and you will no longer have a live-in baby-sitter.

[jo marie]

snail i know it will be really hard on my own but is it worth staying with someone when we are both unhappy and like ive said, i dont get taken out, we dont go anywhere together, doesnt take time off to be with me so i dont see the point staying with someone for the sake of it when we coluld be better off splitting up. he got 1,500 back from the tax and he hasne once said that we should sit down and sort out where the money should go he is doing it all himself and i feel like its,well its my money not yours kind of thing. i said about putting some of it away in my bank account so he wont spend it for the kids to take them away when they are off school and he said no, he will keep hold of it so i know it will all go before anything will be spent on them and its like he likes to be in charge of it which he as always done with the money. we have never once sat down in all these years and said what we need to pay or put to one side, he as always done it and now i relise i was a fool and should of said i want to be involved and know where its going instead of leaving it to him. do you think its right that he is keeping hold of the tax money, cos i dont.

[jo marie]

also he once said that prostitutes were legal and im scared he might be going to them thats why he keeps control of the money. we havent slepted in the same bed for 2 months now, we havent had a night out for 3 months, and dont do anything together at all. not once as he ever said he misses going out with me or wants to go out with me.because he as been addicted to porn in the past im wondering if he would go to prostitutes to satify what he been looking at for years and see what its like with one of them. when we didnt have sex one time for 6 weeks not once did he say he missed having it with me and it went through my mind that maybe he is getting it else where. i went to see a solitor yesterday if i do decide that enough is enough and she said because we are still living together it will make it harder for the court to see that we are separated. she said it would be easier if he moved out then i could get a divorce after a year of being seperated. she said because we still do things together with the kids the court wouldnt see it that we are separated even thou we dont do anything else together.

[Planty]

Blimey, my partner works away a lot and we never go out but I haven't in the slightest considered splitting from him - you know why? Because I love him and he loves me. I think the things you are putting on here are excuses because it all seems a little petty to me. If you really loved him then not being taken out wouldn't matter.

[Bel Bel]

If you are the same poster as before you keep asking and I myself have told you several times to go and get counselling together. the counsellor can be objective and sort out between you what the problems are and if not help you split amicably

Why aren't you trying to get it sorted. Continuing to moan about it but doing nothing proactive won't solve anything

It's almost like you just want people to tell you you are right so you have a reason to leave

If you want to make it work you have to do something different than you are now, because lets face it it's not working is it

GET SOME COUNSELLING TOGETHER

[mysterychild]

I think that this situation is compounded by the fact that you're depressed. Perhaps he stays away because he's unhappy when he's with you.

However, I feel that there is a lot more here than meets the eye. He's defensive, he wants to control the money, he's away from home a lot, and he doesn't want to spend time with you.

In the end, I don't think that his job has come between you - the inability to communicate in your relationship has come between you. Why does he stay?

He is the one that wants to leave, otherwise he wouldn't suggest a 6 month split. He just does not have the courage to say it.

[cmancini]

I agree with mysterychild, you both sound deeply unhappy. It doesn't sound like a relationship, more like a battle of wills.
From what you've written it doesn't sound as though theres much for him to come home to, or that you even enjoy each other's company when you're together. No wonder he's working so much.

That doesn't mean i'm critisising you, just that if you were in his position i'm sure you'd be doing the same as you've both forgotten what it was that got you together in the first place. Couples drift apart all the time and you're almost living seperate lives.

If he won't see a counsellor with you, go alone, if only to sort out in your head what is it you want not just from your husband but out of any relationship.

I don't think it's just the not going out that is bothering you, there's trust issues too and you need to step back and see if you have any real reason to mistrust your husband or if he's just pulling away from you as you are arguing so much? nagging someone to do things doesn't work, believe me.
He has to Want to take you out, spend time with you, and you have to both try to see things from the other's point of view or you'll just go round in circles. Men, and women lie if they don't like confrontations and it's unfortunate but some people would rather lie to have a quiet life. Your husband sounds like one of those people. It's not right but continuing the way you are is not going to solve anything and without a magic wand you'll have to take the initiative.

I'm not putting the blame on you, it might sound like some fifties housewife advise but could you not try, even for a month to try to get on more, not give him a hard time for working away and see if his attitude changes? it's worth at least giving it a go. Then your husband might be more responsive when you say you want a night out/holiday together, cos you want to spend time together not just because you think he should.

As for the tax money, i don't know about your finances but could you not work out when he'll get some time off and suggest using it towards a much needed holiday, a make or break if you will, and see if you can enjoy being together again as at the moment you're both just existing and not living.
If he doesn't ever listen to what you say when you're calmly explaining how you feel then i'm afraid you're wasting your time and perhaps a break would be the best thing, as you only live once.

[jo marie]

He spends time away when he as to for training, which is usually 3 days at a time every few months. as with the tax money i said about putting some away for a weekend break with the kids as they need to get away too so he said he will give me some money, about 190 pounds to put to one side but only cos i kepted saying about it otherwise he wouldn't of suggested going away or would give me the money. out of 1,900 he gave me 272 pounds out of it but that was all, he said the rest went on bills, food etc. he took control of it and didnt once asked me what it should go on. i cant believe it as all gone so soon. i spent 272 on a night at a travelodge which i needed to get away from him and buying some clothes i needed. we had a night out a few days ago and again only cos i kepted going on about it and i feel like i have forced him to do something he didnt want to but just to shut me up he done it. he as said he wants to spend time with me but when we are always arguing and not getting on he doesnt want to. i sent him a email the other day saying that i couldnt take anymore and to tell the kids i was sorry. i wouldnt of done anything as it was a cry for help but i looked in his email and he had read it then he had gone and put the email in the trash which really hurt me, as it what i sent didnt bother him. i wanted him to keep it in the inbox like he as with emails from his friends and work contacts from months ago but he hadnt. now i dont know what to think or feel anymore towards him. he as gone and booked a day off work for monday only because i have said to him he never takes time off to spend with me so now he as done it but again i feel i have forced him to do it. i have been to a solitor to see about getting a divorce and she said because he cannot afford to move out the court wont see it as separation and we have to be separeted for 1 year before we can get divorced. she said if he moved out that would be better cos hes got proof that we are living seperarte. part of me wants to get rid of him, yet the other part wants to hold on. do you think it was nasty what he did with my email and showing that he doesnt give a damn about me?

[cmancini]

hiya mate, look to answer your question no i don't think he was nasty about the email. sounds more like he's getting fed up with it all and knew you were over reacting. i don't honestly think he would have ignored you if he seriously thought you would do something stupid. not being funny, i've been the same in the past i nag and nag doesn't get you anywhere and they switch off, now i've learnt to be more selfish, if my fiancee doesn't take me out (he's good with holidays but he's a football freak so when the season starts if he's not working and then saying he's tired in the evening he'll be at football - funny he's not too tired for that though heh lol) i make other arrangements now. i'm always springing things on him having people over, or i'll go out with friends, stay round families houses etc. he just goes along with it cos he knows it keeps me happy.
i'm just more social than he is.

It sounds as though you're unhappy with your whole situation, being dependant on him for money, having the responsabilities with kids and him swanning off working, staying away but that's what loads of people have to put up with. if you're not happy not having any control of the money get a part time job, tell him he'll have to share some responsability, baby sit while you go out. small steps but hon you have to change things yourself not nag someone else to do it. if you're happier you'll be nicer to him, he in turn will be nicer to you and then when you do have free time together you can enjoy it. i've been there in the past, battling with my partner neither backing down until you have a massive row and you don't get anywhere. you end up not standing the sight of one another until you calm the rows down, then you realise why you love them etc. don't rush into divorce until you try other things first. like counselling. you just seem like you're rushing into things without thinking it through properly or making threats, giving ultimatiums without carrying it through so your husband thinks to himself, yeah yeah i've heard it all before and doesn't take you seriously.

i haven't got kids, am financially independant, we have our own houses but he lives with me, but if i'm honest we will end up similar situation when we do have them. we're used to our holidays but things will change with children, we'll have to sacrafice things and who knows if that will cause rows but i can say hand on heart the thing that causes most rows with any couple is money. do i think it was right him giving you a measly £272 or whatever out of a grand? no i don't, selfish prat. he needs a good kick up the bum but my point is he doesn't care at the moment, he's had enough of the rows and that's why he's staying away not taking you out or giving what's fair. my fiancee does the most sweetest things sometimes, books a romantic holiday just because or my birhtday or a new restaurant, but my god if we've been rowing i don't get anything, barely a grunt if i want to talk. so i've learnt to be a bit clever about things and it really does work. not everyone is the same but most women want to talk, think if their man cared they'd change do what we want as WE'D never do something that pee'd them off would we? try asking the bloke lol it's just give and take at the end of the day. if you're the one doing all the giving (not verbally by the way) and he's taking you for granted, fine do something about it but try stepping away from it for a bit try to see why he's doing it. if i'm honest he doesn't sound that bad, a little selfish maybe but there's a lot worse out there, he just doesn't know how to change things back to the way it was so he's emotionally shut down.
try what i said for a month, even if it kills you at the time, if i can anyone can

[Bel Bel]

to be fair I can easily see how £1900 would be needed to cover bills etc. We don't know enough about your money situation to comment and as you haven't been involved nor do you

i will repeat, yet again, you need conselling with your husband

you are ready to divorce but you know it isn't really what you want

why do you NEVER respond to the conselling suggestion??