To forgive when you cant forget?

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To forgive when you cant forget?

Postby retrochav » Tue Jun 29, 2010 12:47 pm

Hi Guys,

Well i've just come back from the seaside with my mum and two mates. We had a great time doing the usual pub, club, sunbathing things and all was going well. My fella lives down there so i spent my nights with him.

One of my mates is a "gay for pay" escort and extremely good looking. Its quite humourous really that everywhere we go people hit on him - until he graciously tells them his fees! Comming out of a bar one night, he pulled me to one side and asked me was i really into my bloke? It seemed an odd question, as i cuddle up to my partner whenever and wherever we are. He looked very tearfully at me and told me my bloke had asked to hire him. I told him that it was fine, business is business and i didnt have a problem with it.

However, it hit me hard. My mate could see it in my eyes far better than words can lie. He put his arms around me and said that he'd never hurt me like that anyway, but wanted to warn me that my guy might be a player. He asked if i wanted to go back to the hotel and have a cuddle and talk (we usually sort our problems out that way - its not a sexual thing). I said that i wanted to talk with my bloke about it, and going back with him would look a bit funny.

I took my bloke to the beach and confronted him. I'm strangely very calm in these situations (i'm not stranger to boyfriends who cheat on me!) I lay on the beach smoking my ciggie whilst he gave me every load of lies under the sun - wanting to be mates with my mate (fine i said, but why hasnt he took the phone numbers of my other mates then?) telling me his dad was dead and it had hit him hard (funny your dad decorated your flat the other week then) and finally because he wanted to know what it was like to pay for sex (well chuck me a tenner next time we get hot under the sheets i laughingly replied)

He then started crying and saying how lonely he was, how bad life was, and just really freaking out. I decided that it wasnt safe to leave him in such a state, especially since he was so drunken. I walked him back to his place and spent the night.

The next day i noticed his tax credits application, so completed this for him. The poor soul is next to broke from what i can see. I never believed all his stories about running prestigous bars and clubs, but to see his income really brought it home to me just what a load of twaddle he spouts. That didnt really bother me as i am not materialistic, but it just confirms that i really dont know my man at all. In four months of dating him, I am no further on as to who he really is. He must get money from somewhere as his tattoos wouldnt come cheap - so is he dealing drugs?

Despite desperate appoligies all of the next day, saying it was a drunken mistake, I just dont know what to think. I feel more hurt that he hit on my mate than anything else, although it just brings so much more into question. The money situation doesnt add up - he seems to have plenty but earns next to nothing, he talks like a ganster yet its me who has had to fend off would be queer bashers one night months ago, and he has a family who are alive yet suddenly dead!

I can forgive, but how do you forget so much that just doesnt add up? Any ideas guys?
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Re: To forgive when you cant forget?

Postby ILoveChristmas » Tue Jun 29, 2010 1:30 pm

Are you sure that you should be forgetting so much that doesn't add up? I'm not sure it's a good idea to get more involved with someone who isn't throwing straight dice.

I'd say as a minimum you need to get to the bottom of the lies you know you're being told.

In terms of the financial aspect, he seems to have money and yet earns next to nothing, so is there a possibility he's not declaring his earnings, or he is in some way trying to fiddle the tax credits system? As you say, the money he uses to go out, pay rent, eat and get tatoos has to come from somewhere. How common is it for dealers to be clean themselves? I don't know the answer to that, but i'd be surprised if you had absolutely no idea that was going on, if it was. He'd be getting calls all the time etc.

Whether he's a player or not is hard to say, but to me he sounds just a little too unplanned for it to be a well practised thing. Of all people to approach he picked someone he knew to be your friend. If you were a player and wanted to keep it quiet, you wouldn't do that, irrespective of how good looking your friend may be.

I wonder if his financial situation is getting on top of him and he's seen your friend as a temporary release.

Did you broach the subject of his earnings with him? I'm assuming he must have realised you saw his earnings with his tax credits application being complete.
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Re: To forgive when you cant forget?

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Jun 29, 2010 4:17 pm

I am worried too. This isn't the kind of person you can trust. He basically has lied to you about lots of things, it seems it is a compulsion to him

I think that if you want to stay you must confront him about all the lies and tell him up front you want nothing but the truth and see what happens. If he can be honest on this one occasion then he needs help for his compulsive lying. If he can't even be honest when confronted I would be very wary of being with him in a relationship.

Trust is key in any relationship.

You friend told you because he cares and he knows this kind of thing is a no no.
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Re: To forgive when you cant forget?

Postby retrochav » Wed Jun 30, 2010 11:20 am

Thanks guys,

The alarm bells rang even louder as i posted that message. I dont think he could be drug dealing, because as you say, i would see the signs - my phone rings all the time because of mates calling me, where as his never does. So i guess drug dealing is unlikely, plus i would probably find the evidence somewhere.

He does seem to be a compulsive liar, whether that is to impress me in some way i have no idea. I am not materalistic in the slightest, as i told him when we first met, i would live in a cardboard box as easily as a mansion if i wanted to be with someone.

He is comming to stay this weekend so i think i will discuss everything further with him. I can see friendship might be the best way forward here.

thanks again for the replies.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Re: To forgive when you cant forget?

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Jun 30, 2010 12:17 pm

Hope it goes well, let us know the outcome anyway. It will be interesting to see how he reacts
If he really likes you he may well confess that it's an insecurity thing, to make himself sound better he has to have this imaginary life that will impress people
If that's the case and you still wnat to persue things he need to understand that you are impressed by honesty not falsehoods
Good luck
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Re: To forgive when you cant forget?

Postby Peanut1977 » Wed Aug 04, 2010 9:36 pm

Hey, reading your post it is as if you are an adult and he is a child. You sound so much more together and 'with it' than he does; I think you're totally right in what you said: be there as a friend for him as it sounds as if he needs this more than anything else - as for you, from reading your posts for a couple of years now, you sound like such a wonderful guy, someone who deserves someone as mature, sensitive and caring as you are. I hope you find him :D
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Re: To forgive when you cant forget?

Postby ennis81 » Tue Aug 31, 2010 11:49 am

Hey retro chav,
I just read this so dunno if your still with this bloke or not? I just wanted to say that you sound like such a kind wonderful person in all your posts and I don't reckon someone like this deserves you. We all make mistakes but I don't think he sounds very genuine. Hope your ok X
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Re: To forgive when you cant forget?

Postby james125 » Fri Sep 03, 2010 8:20 am

hii

if after forgiving , you will not forget you will always be in tension.so better be cool.
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