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Feel like I am losing everyone.

Posted: Wed Sep 15, 2010 7:34 pm
by JennaXXX
I am feeling completely crushed at the moment and am thinking that it might be a better idea to just stay away from everyone and put my guard up. It was something I considered a few years ago and I wish I had thought to do it now. Whenever I get close to someone it just seems to end in disaster or heartache.
I used to think that no matter how awful my friends were, at least I had one true friend. However, he has now been sacked from his job because of kid related stuff which I can't go into for legal reasons but I am sure you know what I mean.
Not seeing him anymore has turned my life upside down. I used to see him most weekends, text him a lot and we used to have a good laugh. Losing that has been awful especially under the circumstances.
Then stupid me, I ended up falling for a coworker and now he is leaving and what hurts me most is that he is now avoiding me/blanking me as obviously I am of no use anymore.
Then today I had another horrible shock. I look after a colleagues little boy in my creche. I have done so for 2 years so ever since he was a baby. We built up an enormously strong bond and his mum always encouraged it and got him to give me hugs and to say that he loved me etc. I became close to her as well and it was lovely. I knew he started school in September so was preparing for that but today I realised he hadn't been in for a few weeks so I texted his mum asking if he was now in nursery fulltime as I had a horrible feeling that was true. She didn't really answer my question so I said *I will miss him so much.* and she said *You will still see him. Dont worry.* xxx but I won't. They live miles away from me and it is too far to travel to myself. If they lived closer, I could babysit them and it wouldn't be a problem but it is. I kind of feel like she isn't bothered and that she doesn't understand that I am hurt. She herself is in work tomorrow and I just don't know what to say to her. What hurts me more is that all the colleagues in her department probably knew about it and yet the one who loves him and who has looked after him for 2 years never did and she left me to work it out for myself. She always says that she and her son love me but I think I was just being used.

I really do think that loving someone is too much of a risk. Yes it can be brilliant but a lot of the time it ends in pain. I just want to stop losing people that I care about but I don't know how to stop it.

Re: Feel like I am losing everyone.

Posted: Thu Sep 16, 2010 9:40 am
by ILoveChristmas
Hi Jenna,

I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are about your friend. I know you've spoken about him on here before and it must be hard to simply cut contact with him but it's something you have to do for your own sake. You can survive being upset, but it's very hard to bounce back from having your name tarred with the same brush as his, particularly given that you work in the same profession.

When it comes to the little boy maybe i'm misunderstanding things. His mum works in the same place as you, and you look after her little boy in your creche, or have I got that part wrong?

I understand that you build relationships and bonds with the children, it's impossible not to, but you need to remind yourself that what you have is a business relationship with the parents and to a lesser extend the children. Evidently the boy's mum knows that.

I agree that it would have been nice for her to tell you that he wasn't coming back, but only from a courtesy point of view. I'm trying to word it without sounding harsh, but why should the boy's mother have done anything else? She doesn't need to understand that you're hurt.

I think maybe with everything else that's going on in your life you've developed a bit of an unhealthy bond with the wee boy. For me, talk of going to visit him or babysitting is confirmation of that and it's as well that the bond is broken now before it gets more of an issue.

I'm sure others will have a different take on the situation, but as a father who sees the normal bond that child minders/nursery nurses/teachers have with children on a regular basis, something isn't right here.

Re: Feel like I am losing everyone.

Posted: Thu Sep 16, 2010 10:07 am
by RagDoll
I agree with ILC. I think you've taken it way too personally that your friend and colleague's little boy is no longer at your creche.

At the end of the day, she's his mother and is perfectly entitled to do whatever she thinks is best for her son. I understand that it would have been courteous to tell you, but in the kind of role you have, I think it's necessary to develop a relationship with the children and care for their well-being, but nothing more, forming strong bonds with them isn't necessarily healthy. Especially as children grow up and will move on to school etc. - if you keep forming strong bonds with them, you're going to be heartbroken 1000s of times throughout your career.

When you say she says that her and her son love you, but you think you were just being used, what do you mean? I don't see how you've been used. You were just doing what you were paid to do and I'm sure you did it very well. Plus, I am sure his Mum thinks a great deal of you, as does her son, but circumstances change. I suspect that he may have been moved from your nursery because you had developed such a strong connection with the boy it was no longer healthy.

I'm sorry to say this, but I really think you need to re-examine your outlook on life, perhaps some counselling would help?

Re: Feel like I am losing everyone.

Posted: Thu Sep 16, 2010 12:53 pm
by JennaXXX
In ordinary circumstances I would agree with you that the bond I have with him is more then you would expect of a child and it's daycare worker or whatever. I have worked in childcare for 10 years, got all the qualifications etc and so am not naieve and stupid. I have let thousands of children go and have had the appropriate relationships with them. However, this wasn't just one sided on my part. His mum encouraged it as well. She sent me picture texts of him, said that if I lived closer I could babysit for them and said a lot that her and her son loved me. It may not be the *normal* or the *right* way to be but these aren't ordinary circumstances. I never pester her outside of work or anything like that so I refuse to feel ashamed or to even entertain the idea that I am acting abnormally or wrong. The one thing I have done wrong is let myself get so involved with them both as now I am the only one suffering.
I do feel used because when her son isn't in she won't talk to me and that hurts. Perhaps I will get jumped on for saying that as well. :-? There are many other things that have happened in the past as well which I won't go into here but that does lead me to think that I have been used.

I do wish I hadn't posted this now as I don't feel I am making myself clear and the replies are only making me feel even more paranoid and upset.

Re: Feel like I am losing everyone.

Posted: Thu Sep 16, 2010 1:08 pm
by ILoveChristmas
I'm sorry you're feeling more paranoid and upset, but we can only give advice on what you write, and what you wrote led us to think that your relationship is not entirely normal, and I still think that.

I think you and this boy's mother have been reading off entirely different hymn sheets. My impression is that she's said if you lived closer you could babysit because the boy knows you and she knows you to be good with her son.

If i'm right in thinking you haven't had any contact with this child outside of the creche; if the woman hasn't asked you to come to the house, hasn't asked you to do anything above and beyond your duty and hasn't done anything inappropriate, surely that must mean that it's your interpretation of the situation that's caused the issue?
JennaXXX wrote:I refuse to...even entertain the idea that I am acting abnormally or wrong.
I'm afraid you are, as hard as that is to accept. He isn't your son and you're not a family friend or relative. He's just another boy at the nursery.

Maybe his mum shouldn't have sent you picture messages or whatever else, but if one of the other mothers had done that you'd have passed it off as a nice gesture and moved on.

As always, my comments are only my interpretation. Ignore them, heed them, respond to them. Your choice and i'm not here to try and judge you.

Re: Feel like I am losing everyone.

Posted: Thu Sep 16, 2010 1:10 pm
by RagDoll
I don't have time for a long response, but I just wanted to say that I am sorry if you feel upset about what I said, it was never my intention to upset or cause offence. However, I have been on PP a little while now and have noted that you do seem to get very easily upset and paranoid about situations. I am not saying those things to offend you, I just think they are things you quite possibly need to address, for your own sake and happiness.