What should I do?

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harrassed
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What should I do?

Post by harrassed » Fri Nov 08, 2019 12:09 pm

I am in my late 60’s and own, with no mortgage, a three bedroomed house and live on my own. For a number of years, until August 2018, I had a friend as a tenant who shared the house and paid me rent. In August 2018 she moved out and rented, privately, a two bedroomed flat. The cost of her rent was/is not covered by the housing benefit she receives, and I agreed to make up the shortfall. This is a loose arrangement with nothing in writing.

My dilemma is that I have now met someone else and she would like to move in. However, she is intolerant of the fact that I continue to subsidise another woman who I shared my life with for a number of years. I am reluctant to stop payments to my friend, even though it is now 15 months since she moved out, because she was particularly helpful to me during a ‘dark’ period of my life. Conversely, I would like to move on with my life without the arguments that this situation causes. There are no dependent children involved.

As I see it, I have three options:
• Carry on subsidising my friend, and risk losing my current relationship and, possibly, any future ones.
• Stop subsidising my friend, and leave her “in the lurch”.
• Find an alternative solution that frees me from the subsidy, but enables my friend to carry on where she is.

Has anyone any advice for me please?

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snail
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Re: What should I do?

Post by snail » Fri Nov 08, 2019 2:04 pm

Well a couple of questions spring to mind. You refer to the first lady as a friend - does that mean you never had any kind of sexual/romantic relationship with her? If you did, then that makes her an ex rather than a friend. In that case, I can see why a current partner would not be happy about a continued connection with her. In this scenario I think you should indeed stop the payments, or accept that you can't be in another relationship until this earlier one is fully finished.

If you never had any relationship of this kind with her, then presumably your current partner's objection is purely financial, i.e. why are you helping someone else out with their rent? That seems less reasonable, since your money is your own to do what you like with, and I would suggest you point this out to her. But the other question that arises in that case is, why did you essentially pay this first lady to move out? What was the reasoning behind this? Did you want her to leave, and so made up the shortfall? If so, why did you want her to leave?
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

Najwa Zebian

harrassed
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Re: What should I do?

Post by harrassed » Sun Nov 10, 2019 4:41 pm

Thanks for your reply 'snail'. To answer your questions, yes, originally we had a sexual/romantic relationship, but in later years it was purely platonic and, quite simply, convenient. Regarding her leaving, I think the decision was mutual. I felt increasingly that my freedom was being restricted, and she felt my behaviour was becoming more intolerable. With the benefit of hindsight, it seems to me that she was hopeful of rekindling our earlier relationship. Initially, my willingness to fund her rent shortfall was, I guess, the "sweetener" I used to make the split happen.

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Re: What should I do?

Post by snail » Mon Nov 11, 2019 10:54 am

That does make sense then. I think myself it would be better to completely end your financial connection with the first lady, for everyone's sake really. Could you stop the payments but with plenty of notice (six months, maybe even nine months) so that she has time to make other arrangements? That would enable you to truthfully tell your current girlfriend that the payments are scheduled to stop, which would probably soothe her objections. Alternatively, would you find it acceptable to gift the first lady a one-off lump sum? Something she could invest or draw on for the future, but which would end your obligations to her?
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

Najwa Zebian

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Re: What should I do?

Post by boulding » Mon Nov 11, 2019 3:01 pm

Hi there harassed

Please don't let this small problem spoil your new relationship or cause you worry. After all you've done nothing wrong. You've just tried to act kindly and decently at the time of your ex's departure but that was 15 months ago.

If the tax payer won't fund her guest bedroom why on earth should you. This really is a case of your ex having to cut her coat according to her cloth. I think the previous advice of six months is a good idea. If you can, send it to her as a lump sum along with a friendly letter explaining that your life has moved on and you cannot continue to subsidise her. Then just have a brief chat with your current girlfriend and explain what you have done.

Good luck with your new relationship.

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Re: What should I do?

Post by Country Joe » Sat Dec 14, 2019 12:41 pm

Your being to kind for your own good. If this former resident had any respect for you she wouldn't be taking your money. Move on and enjoy your time with this new person.

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