me moaning :s this could be long...

[evanescence_x]

Hello, I'm just posting this to get a few things out it the open, some things will probably sound trivial, but thats me in a nutshell.

Well a few days ago (I think it was 4 days ago? Not sure...) I was at my girlfriends house, in her bedroom (Hiding from her parents since she hasn't came out yet) and we were just messing on, enjoying each others company, as you do, holding hands and snuggeling (assuming thats a word) and just spending time together

Then we were getting all lovey dovey, and I took her top off I'd never seen a topless girl in real before that, and all I could think was how beautiful she was and how much I loved her. Then we made out She asked me to take my top off too, only I wouldn't She didn't force me to or anything but I kinda feel as though I let her down. I'm 14, shes 15, were both in year 10, and we have known each other for 3 years, and have been going out for 2 of them.

I love her really much, and I know shes 'the one' so should I just go ahead and take my top off? I am really self concious, and to tell you the truth I dont have an awful lot 'up top'. I really hate my body, I think it all started in year 8. I got raped by some guy ( I haven't told anyone but my girlfriend, who has had a similar experience) I don't even know. It happened again after that though. I haven't seen him since I changed schools in year 9 so it's not like its still going on.

After I got raped I began to cut myself. I was not attention seeking if thats what anyone thinks, and its not something I did to get sympathy. And it wasn't a cry for help. I felt like I deserved to be punished for getting raped, as strange as that may sound.

I cut my arms, my legs and my stomach. I don't have the cuts anymore, but I have scars that are really unattractive. Especially the ones on my stomach, because they kind of pop out of my skin and are really noticable.

My girlfriend is the most amazingly stunning person you could ever imagine to lay eyes on and I feel inadequete. So I don't know if I should take my top off to appease her, since she did for me I kind of feel like I owe her.

Sorry I wrote so much for such a stupid thing, but I think you have to really understand everything to answer me

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope you can comment with something constuctive.

Later
- Charlotte
xxx

[ayeaiii]

Oh evanescence_x,

It is not at all trivial, this is a big issue for you xxxx

I think it is LOVELY that you feel, after much unhappiness, you have found the One. You very much deserve it. BUT, just because you feel so strongly, it doesn't mean you have to have a physical relationship. You are very young, you have a long time to do that, so don't worry. It sounds as though you and your girlfriend have a very special relationship, so I am sure she will be completely understanding that you are not ready for that yet.

May I ask, is she aware of your issues about body image and cutting? If not, maybe, and this is a of course a BIG maybe, and ONLY if you feel comforable to do so, explain to her about it, so that you don't worry, as it will be out in the moment. If not, that is of course fine too.
xxx

Bless you, your sweetness to want to do this for your grilfriend, and repay her for showing your herself topless, but you really don't have to. It doesn't work like that- just because she is comforatble to do that, it doesn't mean at all that you have to. And just because you feel (and I stress FEEL, as I am sure you, too, is beautiful) you cannot compare, it doesn't matter. Physical relations are about the intimacy of sharing the whole of yourself, not about repaying a pleasure by an equal one. And share is what you must only do when you feel ready.

You have many, many years left, there is no rush. You have been through a lot, so this takes time. One day, I am sure you will be able to share your body with your girlfriend, but untill then, there is no rush. It sounds as though your rlationship is a good one, I am sure, not only that your girlfriend will iunderstand, but that there is a lot more to it than the physical, so you shall still have a wonderful, fullfilling relationship.

Oh, one more thing.. WELL DONE on overcoming self harm. that is AMAZING and you should be very proud. Many people cannot achieve this in a whole life time.

I hope things go very well for you, as you deserve. I think ahead of you, you have a wonderful furute with a special lady, and all these things, given time, will happen for you

*hugs*
xxxxx

[PoisonedWounds]

sweetie, this isn't at all trivial! You haven't let your gf down first of all! does she know about the cutting? If so I'm sure she'll understand why you feel concious about your body, although you really don't need to be!

Don't rush into anything you don't feel comfortable with huney!

[Kurly_K]

Firstly, i want to say that i understand how you feel about needing to punish yourself after being raped and to do this you cut. I felt completly the same way after it happened to me. I am just recovering from what i suffered and I'm so glad to hear that you have got such a good girlfriend that you can talk to. It's not good to bottle up feelings and i think its wonderful that you can open up to her.

As for taking off your top to show your girlfriend that you love her, i don't think you have to. If you do not feel ready thats understandable, no matter how much you love someone. Opening up to someone in a physical way is something that cannot be rushed and if you do rush into something you may regret it at a later date. Talk to your girlfriend. i would tell her how much she means to you and when the time is right you will show her in a physical way but for now this is enough for you.

The fact that you can have such a close with relationship with another person after what you have been through is great, but don't rush yourself coz feelings like that run deep, trust me i know, iv been in a bad place because of it. I really hope that you do what is best for you and if you want to talk some more about anything, then feel free to PM me.

All the best
K xx

[xbeanbabyx]

Woo! Congrats for stopping self harm through all you've been through! That's fantastic! You should be really proud of yourself!
As for the whole thing about taking your top off...you don't really need to, if you both love each other so much she honestly wouldn't mind if you took your top off for her or not, there are many other wondeful ways to show that you love her. So leave it to when you feel comfortable...like they said before, I would tell her about the cuts if you haven't already. If you tell her your not ready to do it yet, when you finally are ready and do decide to take your top off, it will be such a big moment for you both! It would have so much more meaning too! So do what ever you feel comfortable with! She'll be happy no matter what! xXx

[anne1]

Hi evanescence_x

This really isn't trivial.
It's fantastic that you feel the way you do about your g/Friend, and I'm pleased that you have enough faith in humanity to feel like this. It took me a very long time to regain that after my experience.
Taking your top off is a huge deal and something you should do when, and only when you are ready and comfortable.
I know you feel as though you have to give her something back, that you "owe" her, but if this girl is as special as you say, she will have no objection at all in waiting for you.
Good luck.
A XX