What's The Point?!

[mattmxl]

Well, here goes then. Totally flat at the moment, could do with a lift, in fact I think one will soon be necessary.

I’m not entirely sure what’s caused it to be honest, probably the complete lack of anything going on with my life at the moment, its literally work and home, work and home, work and home. Not quite Bill Murray Groundhog’s day but enough to be well and truly stuck in a rut.

There’s nothing to focus on at present and nothing to achieve. Work is the same daily dirge of unappreciated mediocrity, though at least it isn’t stressful. The love life is non-existent as is the norm, there are no projects to compete, and it’s just constant vegetation.

I’ve tried random walks, trips to the pub, reading, none of which seem to have any point to them. It’s the pointlessness of everything that’s getting to me at the moment I think. Don’t normally post this kind of stuff but it’s an attempt to get it off my chest and see how I feel afterwards.

If there is a simple cure to this that I can’t see for looking too hard or anything else along those lines, do please let me know, I might even offer you some money if you’re able to fix this haha.

[Bel Bel]

Ok so you have money, have you thought about a trip away. Somewhere completely new to you. Getting away from your current environment and routine could really give you a boost. Also you could get some consistent sunshine (if you like that )

Have you thought about taking up a new hobby. You may meet some new friends or even a potential partner.

Do you want to date? If yes how about trying some speed dating.

Could you book a really random experience like white water rafting or jumping out of a plane.

I think we all have stages like this where everything seems to stagnate. You usually just have to do something different to get your mood kick started again.

[rufio89]

Hello,

I was feeling very similar to this at the beginning of the year and I'm feeling much better now.

Obviously everyone is different and different things work for different people, but as you are saying you just need to get out of this rut, I'll just share my own experience rather than offer suggestions and you can take what you want from it.

These are the changes I have made to get out of the 'work-home-eat-bed-work-home-eat-bed' cycle. Might give you some ideas:

1. I go to yoga every Tuesday with my Mum and sister - this is a really nice evening for us, my sister and I go to my Mums house and we have tea together then go to yoga together. Obviously this is a bit of a girly thing, but you could do something similar with friends perhaps (or just take up an activity like that on your own).

2. I'm learning Mandarin - I had a few reasons for doing this, but the primary one was that I felt like I was stagnating in my job - I'm not learning anything here and I felt my brain was starting to atrophy. Learning Mandarin has been really challenging and it gets me out of the house one night a week, talking to new people. I'm doing it at the University with a class so it's only £100 for each block of 8 2-hour lessons.

3. Me and two of my friends have started 'random sport night', where we have to try a new activity. We're in the early days of this at the moment, but we try to do it bi-weekly and so far we've tried archery and we've tried to learn how to roller skate.

It doesnt sound like a lot, but even these small changes have made a huge difference. Just having 2 nights where I am reliably "busy" makes me look forward to being able to come home and chill out a lot more. It gives me time to read my book, to practise my mandarin, to cook myself nice meals or just keep the house tidy.

I hope this is of some help! x

[mattmxl]

I’ve considered a trip away many times to be honest, but when it actually comes down to booking it all and handing the dosh over, something always stops me in my tracks. It’s probably the going on my own thing that does it in the end. I’d still be doing the random walks I try and do but the scenery would be different, doesn’t somehow seem worth the expense.

I’ve been desperately trying to come up with a new hobby for some months now. I dud used to have one but all the fun went out of that quite some time ago. I ended up doing it because I had nothing else to do, but even then it wasn’t worth it in the end. I’ve never found anything to replace it with though, nothing has seemed to have a point to it. Though I am hoping to have a go at getting back into cycling, have to get my bike from the repair shop first though.

I’m not sure how well equipped I am socially for a go at speed dating, I’ve never been the life and soul of the party kind of person. More the quiet one that stands in the corner surveying everything. Plus it all seems a little bit forced for my liking, sorta like what they do with cattle, not sure how comfortable I’d be with the idea. You get two minutes to decide if someone is nice or not, doesn’t seem long enough for me somehow. Though I would like to be in a relationship, not sure I have much to offer to somebody.

I could see about the out of the ordinary thing, trouble is what to do. That’s an avenue I haven’t explored so far so will have to take a look into it.

Rufio, correct me if I’m wrong. It’s a shared activity with friends/family, self-improvement and a random fun element. There can’t be too many things that fit those particular critera so it should be easy to narrow down. Dunno if any of it will work but giving it a shot. Thanks for the words guys (by which I mean girls obviously!)

[rufio89]

For me it's been about pushing myself to do things that are out of my comfort zone, to do things that I wouldnt normally do - I wouldnt believe the change in me from the beginning of the year to now, I'm much more balanced, happy and feeling in control than I ever have done before. It also means I'm busy enough that I dont miss having a boyfriend. I'm not a 'naturally' active person either so pushing myself to do more exercise has done wonders for me and I quite enjoy it now.

What hobbies did you do previously, how do you usually enjoy spending your time?

Yeah, as you say, it might not work but give it a shot! Give things a chance as well, you might not fall in love with an activity the first time you do it, but if you dont HATE it, it's worth seeing if you start to enjoy it more.

[Bel Bel]

There are companies that arrange holidays for singles so everyone on the trip is in the same boat. An independent travel agent is the best person to talk to about this. At least then you can choose to be on your own or socialise if you feel up to it.

I think Ruth is right you need to get out of your confort zones. You don't know until you try if you'll like something new.

Ok speed dating doesn't sound like it's for you. How about dating in general? Getting on a dating site. You can put your are into "friendships only" initailly and that way you don't commit yourself before your ready.

Reading your replies and other posts you have a lot to offer. You sound grounded, intelligent, thoughtful, independent and finacially stable. Quite a catch a lot of people would say.

[mattmxl]

The lack of being busy doesn't help I know that for sure, its almost like I have to be achievenig something or working towards something productive or I'm wasting my life. Which is probably a silly thing to be thinking but its how I honestly see it.

My major hobby was photography/videography. I used to go to amateur football clubs and sports matches and video their games using my handheld SLR I acquired as a Chrsitmas present. I did a bit of jornalistic work for the local team where I live which got printed in the local rag with one of my photographs every week, before moving on to another club and doing a "Match of the Day" type thing for them. Then ended up as a camera for hire putting DVD's together that the clubs could sell, from which I got a gig at two boxing events, so I was earning a little bit of money on the side to go with it. There was a time I was doing two matches (sometimes three) a weekend which was massively time demanding and kinda took me over after a while. This seemed to have no point to it after a while, like I wasn't contributing anything meaningful to the world with my existance, so I dropped it all in pursuit of that meningful contribution. I haven't yet found it.

I suppose I'd like to retain some part of that in whatever I decide to do next because some of the work I did is kinda fun to look back on, but the passion for football and sport in general has pretty much gone. Didn't like the way it made me behave and think in the end, like a lot of other people I had the "pleasure" of meeting in those circles.

Quite a catch a lot of people would say.

How typical I know none of these "lot of" people lol. It's like the people that regularly say to me "don't worry, you'll find someone soon", never seeming happy to receive the response "define soon! You've been saying that for 5 years now!" haha.

Singles holidays? Another concept I'm unfamiliar with, that's gotta be worth a look into just to see if all the people that go on those things look exactly the same as the sterotype may suggest haha. I'm worried what I might get back if I type that into Google though haha. Will look into that. Would certainy be a departure from the comfort zone!

[seahorsesally]

hey
whilst I do agree mostly with the other posts here I think that you should focus on yourself and getting either back to 'normal' or bettering yourself. I don't think it's a good idea to go looking for a relationship when you are feeling like this because you could end up feeling like there is no point being in a relationship if you are down about other things which could potentially ruin something special. Or you could find someone lovely thus changing your mood significantly but you could end up relying on them as an emotional crutch and if things didn't work out long term you could crash worse than before. I'm not trying to put you off the idea altogether but just think of it like this, If you are to meet your potential wife/life partner would you not like to be a happy healthy you??

Hobby wise I can recommend something which I think would be really beneficial for you in all aspects of life. Kickboxing(if not then a similar martial art) I have been going to a class for nearly two years and it is honestly one of the best things i've ever done. Not only is it a great workout which in turn boosts your mood through the release of endorphins, you also get to beat the rubbish out of inanimate objects which you could picture as the mundane ritual you are stuck in or your boss etc. You get to meet lots of new people and there is no pressure to look good as we are all a sweaty mess by the end of class It is also a great discipline and you learn things that you can take with you into the wider world. They also focus on respect and self respect which is great.
I see your signature of Gandhi - my sifu also offers some profound teachings and at times hilarious anecdotes. depending on how serious you are about the sport you can enter competitions or even go along to help/learn and it provides a great way to travel and meet people. Basically I could not recommend it enough.

As for going away on your own I think you should go for it. ask in a travel agents and see if the idea of the single holiday appeals to you. if not consider a backpacking holiday, check out hostel world and you could see a few different cities in one trip.

xxxx

[mattmxl]

Well, since my last post on here regarding this issue, the whole relationship problem has been more or less cleared up. I don't see myself ever having another one. This isn't a case of me wallowing in "I've nothing to offer" land or anything like that, its more that I've already met the girl who was to be my future wife, she didn't see it the same way. There's probably a massive posting in the relationships section about it knowing me, it'd be some way back now though as I met her four and a half years ago. I'm deluding myself to think I'm in any way over her and at the rate this is going, that I'm likely to be over her any time soon. Those conditions make any future relationships impossible. There's no adequate way of conducting one whilst you're constantly thinking of and wishing you were with someone else, nobody would tolerate it and rightly so. So I suppose with that issue slightly clearer, the working on and fixing myself issue automatically becomes the first priority.

People have asked me to join kickboxing and taekwando before today but the thought of it never really appealed to me. I nearly joined up to capoeira once but thankfully I was able to research it and was totally put off, people that do that are mad! lol. Kickboxing though, see, I'm too much of a pacifist/wimp for stuff like that. Things you can relate to aggression and confrontation aren't good for me, I avoid confrontation as much as is possible as I find it upsetting. The ideology behind it is perfect though, if I can apply that to another activity then perhaps I am on the right tracks. I'm grateful for the suggestion but the head scratching on that one my yet continue.

I did look up the singles holidays which actually appeared to be a pretty unique and interesting concept, but reading a little further about them kinda made me take a step backwards (where have we heard that before eh? ). All the appealing schpeil about "travel to picturesque places and experience new sights with like minded people" was followed up further down the page with "all of our accommodation is double with private facilities". This made me think that the reason people go on these things is purely for a "hook-up" in a three star knocking shop, not something that would interest me in the slightest!

After reading that, if I go away I'm going on my own! But I think it's going to come down to that to be honest, even if its just a weekend somewhere with a view.

[mattmxl]

Well whatever forms a part of the new me, it certainly won't be drunken karaoke! Despite my rousing rendition of "I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major General" from The Pirates of Penzance bringing the house down, I was no more fulfilled lol.

[snail]

I love that song!

[Bel Bel]

Seriously mattmxl are you going to spend another 4.5 years or more hankering over something that wasn't meant to be?

You met this girl, it didn't work, she probably isn't the girl you have fantasized her to be anyway. No one is worth chucking the rest of your life away for, especially if they aren't reciprocating in some way.

Real love is surely better than holding onto a dream that isn't going to come true.

I think this is part of why you feel depressed and you need to address this issue.

[mattmxl]

are you going to spend another 4.5 years or more hankering over something that wasn't meant to be?

It rather looks that way, I don't think I know how to do anything else.

she probably isn't the girl you have fantasized her to be anyway.

There's no fantasy involved here, the time we spent together was most definitely real! My view of her is most definitely real and based on time in her company and conversations.

No one is worth chucking the rest of your life away for

I didn't realise that was what I was doing. In my head I was trying to better my life, certainly had no interest in throwing the rest of it away.

Real love is surely better than holding onto a dream that isn't going to come true.

Those two concepts seem to have a very fine line between them.

[Skarlet]

Are you sure that you aren't holding on to her as a means to protect yourself from getting hurt?

[mattmxl]

I'd certainly hope not! If anything, thinking about it is slightly painful. It certainly isn't joyous! Already been hurt, so the protection doesn't exist.