Need to clear my head

[MisterModest]

Hi, I don't really... know where to start here... but I will just dive straight in. I am 21 years old and have been involved in a (far too) Long Distance Relationship for almost 4 years now this coming new year. Although it feels like I have been together with h-her my whole life, as well, she is my life h-heh. I am beyond just happy in the relationship, except from of course wanting the distance to finally be gone... but apart from that I couldn't and don't want nor need anything more but more and more of her each and every day. B-but anyway... *takes a slow breath* it's just.. recently she had been forced by her parents to move a whole entire country, now her parents hate just the mere fact that I exist and I couldn't help but blame myself for the move- as I am just like this, all the time. But now that she is where she is, there is even less communication, almost none whatsoever throughout a day, as her parents have enrolled her into a strict private school where she HAS to stay during the week because, well her parents are just controlling and incompetent. But before she had been enrolled, there was this gap of a whole month without any communication between us, as we used to at least find the time to make sure the other was ok- and well there's nothing else we both want to do but talk endlessly with one another- always. But because of this month apart, I had fallen really, extremely, low... i started to feel unwanted and unneeded and I do understand that I'm coming off desperate or overly attached but to be completely honest, I really don't give a damn as I would completely agree as I'm helpless when it comes to her. B-but this is where it gets really... discomforting for me... as I had started to feel completely inadequate and agitated by other men, which had then turned for a turn for the worst... as one night I-i had a dream of my cousin having sex with a man... *uneased* j-just recalling it makes my stomach turn, but then it had grown more and more vivid as nights went on as dreams of the same kind grew more frequent. I never had a single dream of myself partaking in, and just to top it off other nights I-i would have dreams of me and my girlfriend which I'm not complaining about h-hah. I had started picturing my girlfriend with other men, which I had thought, better looking men than me- u have never had any self esteem for myself apart from her as she truly makes me feel good looking and vain even at the worst of times. And this all keeps relaying over in my mind today... i get agitated by the word "gay" now because I'm simply discomforted by the whole thing, I'm not the most homophobic person mind you, nor do I want to offend, but gay people have always sort of freaked me out. I have always been interested in women as well... i have always been infatuated with breasts since a young age. I probably just sound like a desperate pervert h-haha. And again I love my girlfriend with every part of me even though I have recently been feeling as I have been failing at doing such because of all this as it has made me grow rather, distant and discomforted with myself. It's not that I question my sexual orientation, nor do I wonder if I'm gay or straight, I'm just really conflicted by these reoccurring thoughts and even scared at times if I'm honest and really just want to know what the hell brought them on and just want to clear my head. Thank you.

[David020549]

I think trying to maintain contact with this schoolgirl is dangerous, her parents are aware of her contacting older men and she may be contacting other men as well as yourself. However old she says she is her parents are obviously responsible for her wellbeing and have gone to a lot of effort to stop contact, if you persist they could complain to the police and that is going to be really bad for you.
The second part of your post is about sexuality to sort this out I suggest you socialize with company your own age 18 plus at least you will find out soon enough wether you prefer male or female company. Don't believe everything you are told online or texting, it could be all lies, fabrication or half truths and the photo that you are sent might be another person, online deception is so easy so have fun but be sceptical.

[MisterModest]

Um... well first of all, can I just say I find this quite disrespectful... you hadn't really shined any light on my problem and have basically just spat on our entire relationship. For one, I honestly don't care for this "danger" otherwise why would people get into relationships in the first place? And how dare you try and place doubt on our judgement. She does not contact any other men, old or young, I know this because we have shared details a long while back genuinely in open sincerity. And her parents are not in the slightest even concerned of her well being... They are clueless and undeserving. As all they want to do is run her life for her, that isn't even close to looking out for someone's wellbeing. They don't want her involved with boys, men or just relationships in general, only with who they choose as "worthy" so.. and yes the second part is, but it has become a general problem with my mentality, I do respect your decision with that, but I don't enjoy company in general male or female unless I'm with her, but I have been overwhelmed by male company ever since I was a child as I have always been very awkward and shy with girls- except her as she is my only comfort and being torn any from her and having only male- unwanted company may i add to take up that space has just made me even more paranoid and anxious of what I have been dealing with. I understand the skepticism about online but I know without a single doubt that just isn't and never has nor will be the case, so I don't mean to be rude but thank you for nothing kind sir.

[rufio89]

I agree with David. If you're 21 and in a relationship with a schoolgirl then you're playing a dangerous game - it sounds from your post like she's a lot younger than you and if it's already been going on for 4 years, well then Im afraid I would have to side with the girls parents. I'm quite sure her parents didn't move country just to get her away from you, don't underestimate the enormous amount of stress, hassle and emotional strain caused by a big move like that. She's a child, she's living in her parents house, is of school age and at the end of the day, is their responsibility. I'm quite sure they're just doing what's best for them. I'm not a mother myself but if I found out my school-age child, male or female, was having an intimate relationship with a much older person they'd met online, I'd have real concerns about it as well - as I'm sure most people would.

With regards to your dreams etc - just dont overthink them. Everyone has dreams, everyone's dreams are weird. Some people believe they mean something, but I'm not part of that group - your brain is a hugely complex system and dreams are just a muddle of thoughts that pass through some part of your brain on each day. Just take them as they are and don't read too much into them.

Im not sure what it is that you're hoping to get here other than that though - David was only trying to help.

[snail]

You don't say how old this girl is - I assume there is only around 5 years' difference in your ages. So, while it is not appropriate for you to be together at the moment, there is no reason why you couldn't be together in the future. If she is under 16, I don't think you should contact her at all. You could ask her to wait for you, and contact her again when she's 18 (and you will, I assume, be about 24). If she is 16 or over, then I think it's OK to be in contact from time to time, but still regard yourselves as waiting until she's older before you have a proper relationship. And I would try not to make things difficult for her with regard to her parents. As Rufio said, whatever you think of them they probably are doing what they think is best for her, and to be honest 'running her life' is what they are supposed to do. If you want to wait rather than pursuing any other relationship then that's up to you.

In terms of your mental health, you do sound very low and agitated. Is it just depression about your relationship or have there been other sources of stress recently? Even if, as you say, you don't enjoy company in general it's still very important to mix socially. Are there any activities that you could take up? Whether you want to do these things or not try to make yourself - they will benefit you in the long run. Are you working at the moment? If not that can make someone lonely and depressed. If this agitation has come on suddenly and you really don't know why, then I would suggest talking to your GP about it.

[David020549]

MisterModest, you do not have a relationship with this girl you are a pen friend, someone to confide in, a shoulder to cry on when authority says " no you can't", you will probably never meet and if you do there probably will not be a second time, so don't get an emotional hang up on her.
You say you are 21, when you started corresponding you were around 17, she was probably 12 that was inappropriate and if I was her parent I would be concerned and stop it, so would most caring parents, parents do have a duty to protect and act in the best interest of the children. Kids need protecting until they are mature enough to make the correct decisions themselves, girls especially because the consequences of making the wrong decisions, bad partners, pregnancy, exploitation etc are more serious than for boys. Puberty for you was probably no more than shaving and becoming aware that girls existed, for girls it is a big deal, body changes, hormone changes, emotional changes and relationship changes, not all girls cope well and need a lot of help to adjust.
I am a parent of 3 girls, the eldest and youngest were not a problem but the middle one was, there were many arguments, sulking, foot stamping, tears, rages when she could not have her own way. The usual retort was " when I have kids I will never be mean to them like you", now that she has her own kids she is far tougher than we were, that is how much girls change.
At 16 most girls can make the right choices ( some never do ) before that they are children and protected by law, being a pen friend is not a problem but sympathizing with her might be seen as encouraging her to rebel against parents, could be construed as grooming and quite a lot of young girls run away from home to meet a secret boyfriend, that is why parents are so concerned, and why you should not get involved.
My advice on your "mentality" is spot on, socialize with your own age group both sexes, if you are very shy, then do it online at first, build up your confidence, join a club, it does not matter what, common interest is what starts most relationships. Most of us are dominated by our own sex when we are young, it's called role modeling and many guys that only have female close relations have problems cause there are no positive male role models, if you look around you there will be mostly male or mostly female groupings, that is normal for young people.
Age difference does not matter much amongst adults (18+) what matters is maturity and common interest I guarantee there are girls that are a match for you, just as shy, awkward and lacking confidence. One problem guys have is that if they are not confident they don't know how to approach a girl, so they stand back and look or watch, too afraid to make a move for fear of rejection, girls find that really creepy so avoid that. If you want some pointers how to approach girls just ask on this forum there are plenty of experienced women that will tell you how.
My final word STAY AWAY FROM UNDERAGED GIRLS (or boys)

[MisterModest]

Wow.. its gets more and more disrespectful. I can admit I had not mentioned how old my GIRLFRIEND is, I just simply enjoy the assumptions and lets just be honest here, the bigotry. Someone reached out, and basically just gets everything thrown back at them. My girlfriend is over 18 I will just point this out... the only reason I refer to it as "school" is because I don't see it as any different, school, college etc. (I had a very crappy educational experience) as I find them all as pointless as the other... that doesn't mean I find it disgusting that her parents decided to enroll her, I just find it disgusting how she has and always has been enrolled into school after school beyond her will, however which way you look at it, that's wrong. Also, I understand the stress of the move- which was again beyond her will or choice.. why do you think it bothers me so much that I can't speak to her when I know how much stress she must be under now? Jesus. And no, I'm sorry but, that is NOT how a parent should be. Controlling and domineering, I don't think so. I wouldn't want my parents to run my life, and I seriously don't see why anyone would at any point in their lives. I'm no expert on parenting, but a parent does not control, they guide. Especially when you have a full-grown child. On regards to the other stuff, I just accepted to live with it and deal with it all, it will fade over time when I can finally be out of here and with her, as much as others- I won't mention names- doubt it, we are meeting finally this coming winter and I'm more than positive it won't be the last. Again thank you all.

[David020549]

Reviewing your original post and replies I am quite concerned, probably for the same reasons that the girls parents and I do think it would be best if you see your GP and get a professional assessment of your issues.

[MisterModest]

Hi, I just want to take this opportunity to apologise, mostly to you, David, I realise- I mean I always knew you were all only trying to help, and I'm more than appreciative of either of you just taking the time to even read through my problem, I am truly sorry for being so.. defensive. I just felt very attacked as I am just truly in a very low, and bad state at the moment... (I even thought of suicide tonight) as my head has truly become my worst enemy. I have signed up for an online Therapist, as the area I live it seems to be free with my GP, so hopefully I can get back onto my feet. Regarding everything else, I'm just trying to cope with getting whatever time I'm blessed with to be able to speak with her. I'm feeling very unwanted and vulnerable, which is probably the reasons as to why this all happened... i don't know anymore. And the thoughts are just making me hate myself more and just growing more and more sick with myself. But once again, thank you all, I wish you all good health. And again I'm very sorry for being so hostile.

[snail]

Have you seen your GP at all, Mister? If you're feeling suicidal this counts as a medical emergency. Online therapy is good, but face to face would be much better.

[reckoner]

Hi Mister, just to say that I was moved by your apology to the other posters. It's not easy to apologise and demonstrates a valuable quality. You have made a friend over here and I wish you the best.

[MisterModest]

No, Snail I haven't as of yet. I have seen my GP about a physical problem I have been dealing with not so long ago, where I had to take blood tests, urine samples and even a testicular scan, she had mentioned it could all be stress related, and apart from that just said everything i was experiencing was a normal thing amongst men (basically one sudden day i had this really bad sharp pain in my groin, or to be more blunt my testicles, and they had completely retracted- as if they were being sucked up into my stomach, i had extremely bloated and from then on my groin had become drastically cold, like that cold feeling you get were its so cold it actually burns to touch, was permanently stiff, not erect, and had a number of problems even achieving an erection-- and that was then, now it just feels like I have no genitals at all- I really have no other way to put it, which just piles more and more onto everything as I feel at a complete loss of masculinity and just plain depressed by it all) but I hadn't received any word of results on the matter until I saw an entirely different GP a few months later. And this isn't the first time neither, as a year ago apparently I had a kidney infection that I never even knew about (which could have possibly killed me as I only have one kidney) and only found out when I saw the first GP from above. I think I have just lost trust in the field, but most of all as the reason I am here in the first place is because I fear I have lost trust in myself... but with face to face, I really don't feel I would be able to hack it. It's more than nerve rattling for me just to speak online, as I am very self withdrawn, and have only ever opened up truly with my Long distance partner. But at least with typing it gives me some sort of confidence to take as long as I need and not feel pressured in any form of company. I will slowly ease myself into actually therapy, hopefully, once I have gained more confidence in myself from my online Therapist which should be getting back in contact with me today.

Regards to you Reckoner, thank you very much, as much as I am a distant person, I truly appreciate knowing such. I hope all the best for you too.

[reckoner]

Hi Mister,

Many thanks for your note!

I sympathise with your mistrust of GPs. My mother suffers from a number of problems including diabetes and liver sclerosis and she is always concerned that the various medications she is given treat the individual problems and don't interact well with each other. She rarely finds her increasingly frequent visits helpful or reassuring. However, I also sympathise with the pressures that GPs are under, and how difficult it must be for them to understand confusing, conflicting or unusual symptoms. Perhaps you can arm yourself with your own research on the internet so that when you see your GP you can get the best from it by asking specific, targeted questions to help them help you?

When things go wrong physically and emotionally, your body becomes a prison and your mind becomes solitary confinement. It seems that you have taken an important first step towards dealing with your emotional problems by describing them on here, and the first step is the biggest. It takes a lot of nerve to lay your issues out in the open.

I can see how daunting and frightening it must be to be isolated from the one person you felt you could be open with. But perhaps, in the long run, it's a good thing? Even a necessary thing? Because it forces you to deal with these issues, that you might not otherwise feel the pressure to understand and resolve as long as there's someone out there who doesn't require you to. Without her support, you have to stand up on your own, as it were. The more painful it is, the more important I think it is to do.

I am a firm believer that emotional stress or trauma manifests as physical damage. However vague and unhelpful it is for your GP to say it's stress related (which is consistently what my mother is told), ultimately I think it's the truth. So, I think the path you're now on as a result of not having your girlfriend will lead you to better physical and emotional health.

Let us know how the online therapy goes. My best wishes.

[MisterModest]

Hey Reckoner,

You're more than welcome, and can I just say.. I'm beyond thankful to get your messages... just, knowing I have somebody on my side right now I-is very comforting. I am so very sorry to hear your mother has to go through all of that, but aye, I can see how hard it must be for GP's on a daily basis, as much as I know I always depend on an answer without hassle, I can understand sometimes its just harder. I had been doing alot of searching around online, about my first mentioned problem along with now, I think it may have made things worse for me the first time around as my mind was playing with me making me believe I had countless amount of things I haven't even heard of before (this physical problem still continues to this day also..) but, with this new problem I have been dealing with, I had found similar guys going through the sort of same, but all that was told about it was that its just hormones. If I'm gonna be even more honest here... *discomforted* I have even tried to confront it all by searching up gay porn... which most likely just made things more vivid for me... but I wasn't in the least comfortable with it but just ended up feeling worse for actually doing it. Its just starting to feel like I can't escape myself, as crazy as that sounds... I did however find myself drawn to the bodies of the men in the pictures, simply out of envy, which is the reason I pictured my girlfriend with other men.

True, maybe it would be a good thing, as they say distance makes the heart grow fonder don't they? As we won't always get to be together- as much as we want to, but its just the feeling of being so.. torn from eachother I guess, as we have always had to deal with it being so far away, plenty of things would come up, but now... it seems impossible to even be able to have a conversation. Which is all we can do at this point in time. To make matters worse, she has an online diary? That she had given me the details for a while back- same with me to her, and she has been writing about how shes been trying to avoid me as shes scared of making me feel unwanted. But you're right, this is something I have to tackle on my own, I mean I know I have her support, I always have- as she knows about all of this but I just got to keep on going 'til I find a resolution.

And aye, I strongly believe its much to do with stress, and maybe even depression, from the constant yet inconsistent interruptions we have always had- making us feel at fault, and not to mention I just hate where I'm living, I feel completely alone in my family- like an outsider, I feel completely wrong in company in general if it isn't just talking with my girlfriend (as I have spent most of my life as the laughing stock for "friends") I don't know when I became so cold and distant towards pretty much everything, and have grown so... emotionally attached and involved with this one person, no matter how far we may be apart- I just cannot picture, nor as it seems go a single day without her.

I will be sure to do so, I seem to have been pushed back on the waiting list but thank you very much, truly, for helping me through this. Kindest regards.

[reckoner]

I'm very glad if I can say anything helpful. I should be clear that I'm no expert on depression or anything of the kind; I'm an observer at best, with no real idea if I'm any good at it :-/

Immediately after posting (why is it only after posting?!), it occurred to me that conducting your own internet research on your symptoms might make things worse rather than better - in the absence of a concrete diagnosis, we can fit all kinds of unhelpful self-diagnoses into the void (thinking of my mother again...). So you're quite right to treat that idea with caution. I think the important thing is to try to approach it with a calm head - the good news is that the professional opinion so far is that there's nothing fundamentally wrong with you. Keep that thought in mind and try to trust it.

Regarding sexuality, I can only speak for myself. In the right circumstances (for example drinking too much!), I think I could easily have got it on at some point with both men and women without ever thinking of myself as gay, straight, bi, bi-curious, pan or any other term I've seen used (I have a big personal problem with labels). Personally, my sexuality is waaaaay down the list of things that contribute to my sense of my own identity (that in no way means that I disagree or disapprove of people that openly describe themselves as gay / straight / bi - not at all, I fully respect everyone's choices and deeply regret and see no reason for the social stigma attached to the sexual choices people make). Leaving your girlfriend aside for the moment, should you ever have an actual homosexual encounter (rather than just porn), I suspect that would place you in either a big minority or a small majority of 'straight' people. I don't think it's necessary (or helpful!) for you to judge yourself on it. And further to the matter of stress manifesting in physical symptoms, I can't help noticing the connection between your mental preoccupation with sexuality and the physical symptoms you're experiencing in your groin and wondering if it's more than coincidence..?

That your girlfriend invited you to read her online diary shows she trusts you - it also enables you to read things that perhaps she would find difficult to say directly to you, for example her fear of making you feel unwanted. She obviously feels great responsibility for you, and I don't think that's good for either of you. If you can deal with your emotional issues, I think you'll be able to take your relationship with her to a whole new level where you don't have to worry about each other.

Reading your posts and replies, I fully believe you're more than capable of dealing with these things, you are simply locked in a dark perspective on things. I think your discomfort in company is a matter of practice and experience. The more you do it, the less strange it will feel. I only began to feel truly comfortable in my own skin past the age of 35, and even now, I'm hardly invincible. We're all a work in progress and always will be. I think the pain you feel now will become the foundation of your strength later.

Thanks for your kind words about my mum! All the best.