So a little while ago something happened following the breakdown of a (sort of) relationship I had.
I felt really hurt, alone and as if I deserved better so I decided the best way to forget about this guy was to put myself out there and start dating again.
I decided to try a bit of online dating, talked to a few guys but one stood out for me. We got on really well and the conversation just flowed, I didn't feel any huge physical attraction towards him but I thought I'd give it a go when he asked to meet up.
We met up, had dinner, and he was a perfect gentleman. A Genuinely nice guy! We later went to a bar and had a few drinks and I mean a few, a lot more than I'd usually drink and we did end up kissing.
Anyway as it later turned out I missed my last bus home. I was quite a while a way from home (not walking or taxi distance that's for sure), had no friends in the area and my parents were in bed (mistake 1 - they didn't know I was out on a date with someone). The guy suggested I go back to his place and I initially refused. His response was that he wouldn't do anything, that it wasn't the plan anyway and he'd sleep on the sofa. So I agreed (mistake 2).
We headed to his and at this point I was probably already pretty drunk. He poured another drink, I took a sip and had to run to the bathroom to throw up. So when I came out he wanted to kiss me, and I turned away because I had just been sick. I asked where I'd sleep and he pointed to the bed, so I got in with my clothes on, but he got in too.
Things are pretty hazy if I'm honest. I was facing the other way but I remember feeling him touch me and pull on my dress, asking me to take it off. I said no a few times but he eventually convinced me to take it off. I was going along with it, not because I wanted to but because he wanted to. I remember during he wanted me to do something, I also said no firstly then but ended up doing it anyway.
When I woke up the next day I felt awful about everything. I just wanted to run. He walked me to the bus and it was all normal.
Even though this happened a while ago I still think about this night and how incredibly stupid I was. I regret every moment of it, I flashback and it makes me feel awful about myself.
I stopped talking to this guy so much after that night and he would message asking why. Eventually I told him I wasn't ready to date and we haven't spoken since.
I never once thought anything bad about this guy, he was nice and he was a gentleman, and really, I reciprocated so as far as he was concerned he wasn't doing anything wrong to me. Then a similar situation happened to a friend, and she was telling us as a group and my friends had a, sort of, debate regarding what's classed as "consensual sex". I never told them what happened to me, I haven't told anyone, I feel so ashamed about what I did. I've never had anything that's classed as a "one night stand".
I just really want some clarity of the situation. I want to stop thinking about it and I want to stop despising myself because of it.
So I was just wondering what other peoples opinion of this situation is? I haven't had a friend to talk to about it, any advice on it. So anything, please, would be great.