I'm still with the Italian guy. We've broken up three times in two months and I can't seem to stay away, even though he insults and disrespects me frequently, never apologises, and constantly doubts my loyalty. My friends don't like him and I'm losing all credibility because I keep going back. When we split, he doesn't try to fix it, he simply doesn't bother, and I chase. Now we've decided to give things another shot (in other words, I persisted and he merely sat back and enjoyed the attention, giving but the slightest of assents) and I think he's been lying to me about his Tinder use whilst we were split. I don't care, we were split, that's not the problem; but do I really have to add dishonesty to the mix of poo I can't seem to break away from?
I got chlamydia recently and we both got treated but failed to abstain for the 7 day treatment period so we probably both got it again. I missed a period and it's been a horrible pregnancy scare (during the last breakup, which lasted a week) but all tests negative. I'm scared it may be the chlam advancing. I don't want to become infertile.

I feel so hopeless about my relationship with him that I feel ashamed to even try and defend it, but I've got it into my head that he's too good for me and that's why I'm tolerating so much from him; I suddenly need him to like me because otherwise I'm unworthy. He can be sweet and he's very much a 'man's man' - will pay for dinner and open doors and do all that stuff. Fancies himself some kind of Scarface/Robert De Nero wannabe, swears a lot, but can be very affectionate too. But the biggest thing is just how much I fancy him. He's so so so gorgeous in my eyes, the sex is the best of my life, and I respect him for being the polar opposite of me: where I struggle to draw a line in the sand and stick to anything, once he makes a decision, that's it; he's like a fortress, where I struggle to defend even the smallest boundary. He's one of those guys who thinks it's weakness to pander even when you are in the wrong; I pander even when I'm indefatigably justified.
He's a serious hard worker, and I slack off all the time. I have so much regret over how I didn't try at uni, and how I've been dossing about for around a year. I had these big big ideas about starting a charity and getting a book published, but somehow, I'd find excuses to waste time everyday and nothing has really happened; I haven't achieved anything but my bank balance has been decreasing steadily, and by March, I'm down and out. The clock is constantly ticking and I bury my head in the sand. I saw this amazing charity job the other day but didn't even get invited to the open evening, even though I thought my CV was very impressive for that sort of thing, as I've been involved with volunteering for six years and have won awards and things. So that threw me completely.
I went to an assessment day for a graduate sales role last week and although I made it to the last six, got rejected by the end of the day. That was less of a surprise as the last rejection but served to cement my growing sense of being a loser at life. I'm scared I'm not good enough for any decent job and will run out of money and ultimately not amount to anything.
I was volunteering two days a week for an addiction charity but I kept skipping days because I'd spent the night before with Italy and can't seem to sleep well when I'm with him. So eventually I just gave up going in altogether and I feel I've let them down too.
I'm scared my friends will stop being my friends because they keep trying to support me through separating from this guy but I keep going back. He just impresses me so much, with his no-BS attitude and work ethic and good dress sense and overall badassness. But the flipside is that he can be rude and abrasive and he's not exactly a soft and cuddly kinda guy... except when we're alone together in bed and then he's exceptionally soft and cuddly which is what I cling to when he treats me bad.
Everything seems so hopeless right now. My relationship will probably not get better although I'll keep trying. Even if it does, my friends will never accept him now, and he won't give a monkeys about that. They've been appalled by some of the things he's said to me. And by now I wish I hadn't said anything ever about him, but it's typical approval-seeking behaviour. I want to prove to everyone how sorted I am with my super cool Italian bf and budding career. But nothing could be further from the truth right now.
I want to believe that if I make a special effort to try and understand him and not annoy him, he'll do the same for me and maybe there is a happy ending here somewhere. Sometimes he says things that make me believe, like when I told him about the pregnancy scare (and I thought he'd get mad!), he said he would definitely come with me to the clinic either way (without me having to ask) and even said that there's a part of him that would want to keep it..! He seems very future-orientated, serious about settling down, and all that stuff. I just hope that my flippant dumping him three times now hasn't knocked me out of the running for that. :/
This post has no particular structure or conclusive question. I just feel quite lost and down and ashamed right now.