There. I said it.
Wrote a thread about a boy recently in the other section; suffice to say, the story continued back and forth until eventually it turned out he'd been messing around with another girl behind my back; I found out from her, text proof, they're both eliminated from my life. Seriously. I even unfollowed him on Twitter.
So here I am two days later: burned by someone I cared about, completely out on my ear, no male leads whatsoever. It is blemin' difficult.
See that guy had been around since my big breakup out of a longterm relationship a few months back. We were 'friends' then. Now I have one other male friend, and we can all see where that's going, so no. It won't go that way. But boy is it tempteding. Just because he's there.
I feel uncomfortable when I don't have male options/when I'm not being validated by blokes. It is seriously like an addiction; or like what I imagine an addiction feels like. I worry that there's something wrong with me or I'm running out of time to meet men. I'm 23. I struggle to enjoy my life if I don't have a boy to fixate on. Consequently, boys are pretty much all I've had, you know what I mean? So I gotta sort this or I'll never have a healthy relationship.
I try to focus on other things, but there is simply no replacement that's as fun as a date. Nothing feels as good as feeling wanted by someone. I do other stuff, I have friends and all that, but it just isn't the same.
Time seems to go by so slowly; life is just so boring without someone to focus on romantically. The excitement I get from being around blokes/a bloke can be dizzying. And the drama when it goes wrong? Oh so compelling. I don't feel complete without it.
So there, that's my problem. I've set a target to go a month without a date and it feels difficult to stick to.
On the other hand, am I being too hard on myself? Doesn't everyone have a constant ongoing drama with the opposite sex? Whenever I ask a new person 'how's your love life', there's always something to say, it's almost never 'uhh, I'm not really involved with anyone right now/I'm really into other stuff'. Everyone's texting someone or seeing someone or trying to get with someone. Am I just a product of a codependent society which enforces the belief that we - especially wimmin - are incomplete without a partner/partners to prove how much of a 'somebody' we are?
Nah I'm not gonna let myself off that easily. This is a consistent problem in my life. I go from one t'other t'other, I always have the intention of taking some time off between relationships but then before I know it, some new guy has shown up and I tell myself I'm just being foot loose and fancy free.
How can I genuinely feel happy by myself when I'm so used to having someone to fixate on?