Worried about my husband

[Happyandhopeful]

Not sure what to do about my husband. I left him 4 months ago and have moved into a place of my own with our 8 year old son, my husband is at our family home with our 14 year old son who chose to stay there.

It must be hard for him as I knew for a long time how unhappy I was in the marriage and was very down for a long time. But to him it was like a bolt from the blue and it seems hard for him to accept. I know there is no going back as I do not feel any passion for him anymore. However, I still care about him and am getting quite worried.

He just seems like he is giving up. He worries about money constantly and I am always there to help him go through the finances and have even lent him some money. He feels he is working for nothing but has no less money than he had when we were together. He doesn't ask to see our 8 year old and never has him stay over, but has just started having him for a few hours when I go to college. He was talking about going bankrupt and I managed to convince him not to do that as I didn't think it was fair for him to lumber me with the joint debt. But when I spoke to him earlier he just seems to have had enough, he doesn't even get excited about going to the gym or doing anything lately. Even though his personality is not like that anyway as I was the one who always used to get excited about things and that would boost him, but now I am not there he has gone downhill.

For the last week or so I have been feeling as though he is just going to give up on life and he hasn't said it in so many words but when I spoke to him this morning I got that impression again. He just feels so hard done by and that he will never have any luck again. I think he is suffering from depression which is understandable, but wish I could do more. The only thing I can think of doing is going back to him, but I can't do that, it's not what I want.

[RagDoll]

I know this might sound harsh, but it is not your responsibility to worry about your husband's well being anymore. Obviously I understand why you're concerned, as it's only natural having spent so much of your life with someone, but in reality there is very little you can do.

Also, I think you need to remember that this is probably a temporary lull. You haven't been separated that long, and it wasn't his decision, so it isn't surprising he is feeling down and depressed. I am sure he will turn it around, but it's going to take time. He is an adult so his life and mental health (and finances) are his responsibility.

The most I think you can do is tell him you are concerned about him and suggest he might want to visit his doctor.

[highlandcow]

I agree with Ragdoll. It's horrible but there's nothing you can do. I remember feeling something similar when I split up with my fiancé (years ago) I still cared about what he was feeling. And I made him feel worse because I was always in his face asking him how he was. Ah youth....

But anyway, it does sound temporary, and he's got good reason for it. He may need help but I don't think he'll appreciate the suggustion if it comes from you. Not in a bad way, but he may see it as you rubbing it in and patronising.
Did you say in a previous post that you still see his sister? Perhaps mention to her how you feel he is. She can take it from there.

[Happyandhopeful]

Hi Highlandcow yes I do still keep in touch with my sister in laws. So I know you and Ragdoll are right it isn't my problem and he is a grown man. I will mention my concerns to my sister in law when I see her this week and maybe she can help.

[Bel Bel]

Agree with the others that it's his families responsibility, if anyones, to look out for him. Also agree it is likely to be either temporary or a tactic to try to get you back.
Also look into what you can do to severe any joint financially commitments.
There are often ways to deal with these especially as you are separated , please talk to citizens advice about it.

[Happyandhopeful]

Bel Bel I know you're right and probably is another tactic. Today I discovered he is back on the dating sites and has been for a couple of months which is fine now as we are separated. But it also tells me that he is ready to move on and all these times when he says he cannot cope i really think he has been trying to mess with my head and I have really been falling for everything.

Time to put some distance between us and let someone else worry about him.