He has made me feel like ending it all

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Littlekitty
Just Landed
Just Landed
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Apr 28, 2020 7:52 pm
Gender: Female

He has made me feel like ending it all

Post by Littlekitty » Tue Apr 28, 2020 8:00 pm

Where to begin. I am a 47 year old mother of 4 and met my partner 2 years ago. At the time little did I know he was an addict, and I a compulsive liar and a thief. I did wonder why most of his family don't talk to him really but I just never questioned it. He also only has 1 friend which I thought bizarre. After a few weeks together he admitted to me that he was a cocaine addict, but was well into recovery. The irony is that I am a trained drugs counsellor and I accepted that he was telling the truth. It soon transpired that he was still actively using when he stole money from my food shopping bank account, stole my children's money boxes, and constantly lied and stole in order to gain drugs. Christmas was breaking point where I saw him steal his cousins purse at a family do and he denied it so i outed him in front of his entire family. They all took my side as they've had years of him stealing from them, and they cut all contact with him. Two of his 3 teenage children have also cut contact only leaving 1 younger one who occasionally speaks to him but knows what he's about. I recently asked him to move out and rent a place as his aggression and anger is wild. I'm assuming it's at its worst when he isn't able to pick up as he is constantly losing jobs, so far 4 in a year and all because he's been caught stealing from the company. Time and time again I have taken him back on his promises to go to AA, and see a therapist etc etc... None of which ever happens for more than a few weeks. A month ago he just didn't come here one night when he still lived here and unbeknown to me, he had driven back to his old town an hour away and done 3 grammes of coke alone in a travelodge funded by child maintenance that he should have paid to his ex wife. Still, I took him back thinking he would change. His aggression is now worse than ever, so he has again got no job and is here alot in lockdown with me. He has his own room but me asking him for time out and to go away to his room always ends up in him going mad at me and it's just too scary to deal with. I am feeling so low, and so unloved and so worthless. We were engaged, and he promised me the world yet delivered nothing but heartache. I even have a safe in my house now to lock my purse away. I am stuck in a rut of loving him but hating the life he has given me. My children are older, and 2 in their twenties and 2 in senior school. None of them have a clue of the abuse I have suffered and continue to suffer as I've had so many failed relationships and they think the world of him. I am so low I feel like taking my own life. I just want to shut my eyes and never have to wake up and deal with this nightmare again. After a row where he's usually threatened to kick my door in or called me all the names under the sun, he just cries and tells me he knows he's an addict who needs help and that he's messed up in the head and that this is all his fault. And every time I just allow him back in and it all goes wrong again. I don't know what I'm even asking for. Maybe just some kind and wise words to tell me I am a good human being who doesn't deserve this hell that I have to live week in week out. I know he has to want to change but he never sticks at recovery for more than a few weeks. I just don't know what to do anymore x

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Tarantula
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Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2007 7:37 pm

Re: He has made me feel like ending it all

Post by Tarantula » Sun May 17, 2020 12:24 pm

Hi there

I sympathise with your situation and feel that there's little I can say that, as an addiction counsellor, you do not already know. So, fine, let me say things that you already know deep down, but are perhaps not ready to accept.

Your presence in his life is enabling his addiction. He doesn't respect boundaries and isn't going to change with you.

Now I know he has his reasons, the events in his life that caused him to embark on this downward spiral to begin with - an abusive childhood, mixing with the wrong people, perhaps a bereavement, chronic unemployment, other mental health problems etc - but whether he can't respect boundaries, or he won't respect boundaries, the end result is the same. You cannot change him.

You wanna blame that cross he bears, but, well... look just listen to this, and really take it in, 'cause this is for you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uEJi0x-49E

You need to tell your adult children what is going on.
Once again.
You need to tell your adult children what is going on.
You need support and to stop living in denial about how bad things really are.

You already know all this, the problem is that it's really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really

really HARD.

You say you don't know what to do, but you do know what to do. You've always known.

As soon as it's safe to do so, you need to break up with him and focus inwards. You've got to get him out of your life before it's too late. Enough about him, what about you? What happened to you, that you are willing to endure this situation?

You can care for someone, and wish them well from afar - but you don't have to be with them on that journey. In fact, it's better for him AND you if you're not. Him, because he'll have lost one more distraction between himself and his illness. You, because you'll be free to heal yourself, and learn to care for yourself, so that you can avoid these situations in future.

Obviously, you need to look into co dependents anonymous and attend your nearest support group immediately. As you know, you're both addicted. Him to cocaine. You to saving him.

You don't deserve this hell - no one does. Niether do you 'have' to live in it (well, in normal times. In corona times, perhaps you DO have to live in for a while before you can get rid of him). Recognise that you have agency and, whilst you don't deserve this treatment, if you tolerate it and stay, you invite more of the same. Deservedness and causality are two different things. You don't deserve it, but your staying is part of the reasons why it carries on. Yu have to make a different decision or nothing will get better for you.

You must read 'women who love too much' by Robin Norwood. And if it's sitting on your counselling bookshelf, read it again.

You could be living a much healthier, better life in 6-12 months from now. How will that feel? How will it enrich your counselling practice? Your relationships? Your future?

All of this chaos could be a thing of the past. You could be on your way to a peaceful, enjoyable life. Or... you know the alternative.

What happened to you? That's the focus now. Not him. You.

There is no point in blame. There is only choices we can make.

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